I get the sense that much of your struggle in your M right now hinges on trust and intimacy. My guess is that you carry in your mind's eye a vision of what your perfect M with your H could or should be...what is it? How realistic is it? Is it one that he might share? Or are there parts of the vision that aren't actually attainable (because of water under the bridge, a differnce in the way your H may approach certain things, etc., etc.)
Kinda just throwing stuff out here, but as long as you're spending 10% of your R time thinking, you might as well think about your driving thoughts (and I mean here, not why you think these things (e.g. your parents, teachers, friends, previous Rs, etc.), but rather, what it is you are thinking (i.e. sage's values and motivators)).
Don't get bogged down in it, but like you told me, part of this whole DB process is finding out about yourself.
