Sabotaging EA with OM / OW

[Helpers]

Hi Everyone,

What are some specific ways that you go about preventing the bond between your spouse and the OM / OW from growing stronger?

[Still Waters]

There's little you can do beyond exposure. Confront your wife about it, state your boundaries, then work on yourself.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Shine the light of day on it. Roaches tend to scurry when you turn the lights on.

And PRAY. Lots and lots of PRAYER.

Puppy

[Helpers]

So what would your advice be if you you've exposed it, stated that there should be no contact whatsoever, she did what you asked for 10 days and then started contacting again? The problem is that some contact is unavoidable since they work at school together and share a classroom, but she's over the line by following up on his contact outside the classroom.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What did you TELL her the consequences would be?

If it were me, I'd tell her to leave.

[robx]

Hi Everyone,

What are some specific ways that you go about preventing the bond between your spouse and the OM / OW from growing stronger?

Guilt is good, that's why the feeling exists, it's a personal barometer which tells you that you may not be doing something that is good.

Obviously don't condone this behavior, setup boundaries and limit your contact with your partner if they refuse to stop.

You have to draw a line that can't be crossed, if they are willing to cross that line and have an affair with someone else, they've lost your respect and need to know that you aren't going to be there waiting with open arms when they return to their senses - they are actively hurting you, it's not a good thing.

Don't know what else to say, it's definitely a crap situation to be in, I wish you all the best with this.

Make sure you take care of yourself during all of this, don't let what they're doing hurt you and cause you to go into depression.

[Helpers]

The first time we spoke about it there were no consequences. I just said, "you are going to go into school tomorrow and you are going to..."

That was at the beginning of Jan. and lasted 10 days.

A week ago I said that if she didn't cut off contact, that I'd be out. We had a heat-to-heart and she said that she's not able to feel in love with anyone right now. She was approved for an apt. but seems like she's back home now (hasn't brought it up in last 2 days, and gave me a hug for the first time in a long while when she came back.)

So right now the equilibrium seems to be no calls, no texts, no emails, but she responds to his posts on facebook.

I'm just looking for ways to make her realize that he's the short-fat-integrity-lacking dips**t that he is.

Should I write on her facebook page in her conversations with him to bring him down a peg?

Or, should I just ignore it, like it doesn't bother me.

[robx]

I'm just looking for ways to make her realize that he's the short-fat-integrity-lacking dips**t that he is.

Or, should I just ignore it, like it doesn't bother me.

You make him look bad by being the better person.

Be a great person for yourself, improve yourself for yourself and have the attitude of not caring what she does but you also set boundaries and let her know without being an a$$hole that her behavior isn't acceptable.

If she continues doing it, you know that she doesn't value the marriage/relationship and if she isn't willing to do anything to save it.

Why would you want to be with that kind of a person? Start limiting your contact & communication with her. Cheating is never an option, if she cheats on you, she needs to know she is risking the loss of her spouse and that is something she will live with.

Once you can answer this question to yourself truthfully, you have more ability to do what is necesary with your life.

[Still Waters]

she said that she's not able to feel in love with anyone right now.

As Puppy would say, this is SCRIPT.

People engaged in EAs and/or PAs always say this, and what they really mean is "I can't feel love for two people, and right now I'm trying to determine if I love this other guy."

Have you read Not Just Friends yet? You should, it'll let you know what you're dealing with when it comes to an EA.

[pearlharbr]

I know your first inclination is to put a stop to the EA, but as others have said you cannot control another person's actions. The sooner you can concentrate on yourself the better.

Trust me, I know this is way easier said than done. For me, I tried to ignore it but got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore so I kicked him out of the house. Felt so good to take control of the situation and show him I meant business when I said I would not tolerate it.

You have to overcome the fear of doing something that will push your S away forever. It took me a while to get there even though others were telling me to kick him to the curb. I had to really know that it was the right thing to do. When I felt that in my core I swiftly took action and haven't second guessed myself.

It's been a month since I kicked him out. We have had hardly any contact, only business things. He's moving into an apt this weekend and out of the blue yesterday he says he wants to know if there's any hope for us. I'm not saying that happens for everyone, but being strong and maintaining boundaries is good for you no matter the outcome.