Shine like the star you are!

[sage]

I think that there's some sick part of me that's constantly trying to sabatoge what the other part of me is so desperately trying to heal. Does that make any sense to you, can you relate to that?
T2

OMG, hon....have you read my earlier threads? (no prob if you haven't ... they're boring!).

For me..the answer to your question of "why do I do things that don't work..that drive me further away from h?" can be answered in a number of valid ways...depending on the sitch:

1. It's habit -- 37 years in the making and it's desperately trying to not go anywhere

2. It's comfortable -- why NOT fall upon "what I know"?

3. I'm terrified -- hey, yah, things suck but at least I KNOW why they suck ('cause I messed up)...what happens if I do all the right things and they still suck?

4. I'm terrified (part II) -- ok, I work my A$$ off and things don't suck anymore...wait...what if they start sucking again??? Yikes...I've climbed up the ladder even further??? Look at how far I have to fall NOW.

5. 'cause mom said so -- ok, a major cop out but I'm taking it -- mom said my h (whoever he was) would cheat then leave...gotta make it so.

6. 'cause mom said so (part II) -- (still a cop out) -- if MY h DOESN'T cheat then leave...well, I've surpassed mom...do I want to do that?

on and on...ad nauseum.

I strongly, firmly, totally believe in DB'ing as a way to get one on solid ground. I ALSO think, though, that to really break thru one has to do some "thinking work" as opposed to "action work" to figure out why one does what one does....I love the balance I have now 90% action (DB'ing), 10% thinking. There's value in reflecting on WHY you may be sabotaging your efforts...and in the meantime...act "as if" and "do what works" even if it goes against instinct!

Sage