My opinion is that custody should stay about the same as it did before the D in most cases. I mean I have kind of the opposite thing going--H wants more custody so he can pay less child support although he doesn't really he has a hard time just seeing them the one day a week usually cutting that day short; I mean I think he wants the support $$$ but not really the parenting duties & responsibility.
I think in cases like yours where you were equal parents then 50/50 is fair. In my case, where my H was seeing the kids less than 10 hours a week, the one night and every other weekend is more than he did in the past 15 years and 50/50 would be crazy. I think if all of a sudden someone is radically upping or wanting to decrease their spouses hours with the kids after 10-20 years of doing differently, it seems to me that $$$ is their motivation rather than the best interest of the kids. Karen
Thanks, everyone, for all the nice words. I can't tell you how heartening it is to hear (read) your kind assurances and support.
Since May, we have been on the 7 days on, 7 days off schedule. That means I have my kids a full week, every other week. I think it works perfectly for the most part, especially for our S's.
Before that we were roughly following the schedule we had followed since the oldest was born: She had weekdays and I had weekends. On weekends, I was "Mr. Mom", even before the separation. But after the separation, I really missed having regular input into their daily lives, especially since they were starting school. So, when STBX and I tried "mediation", I asked for more time with my S's. At the same time W didn't like being saddled with only weekdays, and asked for some weekends with our S's. I was willing to compromise as long as it didn't result in a net loss in time with my S's, and it was difficult getting W to understand that. But S8 on his own convinced her that 50/50 is fair and what he wanted.
Now she's reneging. I am just trying to hold to the 7 & 7 schedule, but she claims she has, as she puts it, "compromised too much." She wants to stick me with just the (year-round school schedule's) track-out period for S8 -- that is a poison pill. That would limit my custody to no more than 20-25% of the year, and it would mean she not only wants to pump up her child support payment, but also "stick me" with the days that the boys are not in school -- I would be liable for additional daycare costs on top of that since I have to work.
If that is her idea of a suitable and fair first offer, then it underlines just how much disregard she has for me.
Karen, it has crossed my mind about the sheriff serving me while my sons are present, and my first thought was, "Nah, she wouldn't be so cold-blooded as to do that, would she?"
But now I am reconsidering -- I don't really know this woman anymore, do I? After the hell this alien person has subjected me to and continues to do so, all the while finding any sort of irrational justification for her actions and behaviors, I can't really rule out anything from her, sad to say. I would hope she would never go so far, but I've been burned so badly before in placing any trust in her.
Still, all I can do is hope, and to pray to God that she won't do such a thing, to embarrass the father of her own children like that, right in front of them. Should I dare ask her? Would that do me any good?
Still, all I can do is hope, and to pray to God that she won't do such a thing, to embarrass the father of her own children like that, right in front of them. Should I dare ask her? Would that do me any good?
I think you should. The worst that can happen is that she won't give you an answer, but if you stress your worry for your children perhaps she will. At least you will have done what you can. And if she does go the Sheriff route, hopefully she will tell you then. Having kids I would never do that myself, but who knows???
I think you should try to hold firm to the 50/50. Don't argue with her about it, but if she tries to get you to change that maybe start forwarding those emails to your L. Let your L deal with that. If you keep up the 50/50 I don't think any judge would change that. Karen
I am still considering saying something to STBXW. I agree with your thoughts on this, Karen, ...but the other part of me realizes that if she is really the sort of person who would do such a thing, then me saying something to her about it will have zero effect anyway, right? She would just ignore me.
And if she has not become the sort of person who would do such a thing to her children, indicating she does still have some modicum of compassion in her soul, then my asking her would just give her more cause to accuse me of maligning her.
Like everything else with STBXW these days, I am d*mned either way I go.
Well,... It looks like I now know the answer to my question. I just got home and there on my door was a nice little 3 x 5 card from the U.S. Postal Service saying they missed me for a delivery. It says it is a certified letter for which I must sign for. No need to guess what for...
...
...
... <sigh> ...
...at least she decided not to lead off with all the drama of having the Sheriff deliver it, and while the boys are with me. Although there's nothing to prevent that from still happening at some point however.
I am now thinking I need to intercept that letter carrier on their next attempt to deliver it -- as soon as I can, or else I am sure STBXW will turn it over to the Sheriff's office (I can just hear her now, "It's your fault you got publicly served in front of our sons, because you didn't accept or sign for the USPS delivery! How can you be so cruel to your own children?!")
I'm not ready yet to suck up my pride and "thank" STBX for not using the heavier-handed method first.
I'm not ready yet to suck up my pride and "thank" STBX for not using the heavier-handed method first.
I'm so sorry NC. ((((NC)))))
Yes, it's better that she sent it certified rather than Sheriff, but I don't think there's any need to thank her for that!!! If it's USPS, I've done that before. You can either pick it up at your local office (it should tell you which one on the card and what hours you can pick it up) or get them to redeliver if you call. I would try to get it soon if you can; I think you'll feel better when you get that over with.
I don't think you should communicate with your W at all. How are you doing? I can guess of course...I'm really sorry. Karen
I am very sorry nocode. Its hard when it becomes official. Don't say a word either way to W about the letter. She can inquire through her atty if she is so serious.
(((((((NC))))))), Just when I think she can't get any witchier, she proves me wrong! I too think it has a lot to do with trying to get more child support. I'm so sorry she keeps piling on all the bad feelings. UGHHHHHH!!!!
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
NC, did you get the certified mail yet? How are you doing? You can be proud that you've tried to take the high road with your W. You'd think some of the actions of our WAS would make it hard for them to sleep at night. I'm praying for you and thinking of you also! Karen
