Shine like the star you are!

[sage]

I know myself I've tried to "get" h to assure me that this wont happen again...asked "how can we keep this from happening again" the first response I got was..."it wont"...that wasn't "good enough" for me...so I re-stated it...what can I or you or we do to ensure that it wont happen...h's response was "well if your doing something I don't like I'll speak up"..ok so thus far h has not "spoken up" (unless of course I'm complaining about him) so I suppose I should just take his word that he will speak up..

what were you looking for from h?
what did you get from h?

Hey LL,

well, first off the "how can we not have this happen again" part of the conversation was mired in a bit of confusion because when I asked I was talking about the A. and h thought I was talking about the argument...

What I was looking for from h was "a plan" -- some indication that he had thought about what had let up to the a (his noting of my behaviors, his noting of his behaviors, the early warning signs, etc). Something that says...look, I've really thought this thru and this is what I think went wrong and this is what I think we could have done to stop it and ....

What I got was "it won't".

I probed a bit around that and asked how he could know that. Also asked him if his assumption upon getting married was that he would be faithful (answer was "yes") so I indirectly tried to show that "it won't" might not be enough...

My anxiety around this part is HIGH. My only negative thoughts over the last few days have definitely been around "what happens next time I start feeling afraid of a r. that h develops?"

Of course, my ASSumptions that h would be unfaithful was one of the contributing factors to problems in our m....so, that mindset ain't gonna get me anywhere!

I DO think that we've got the tools to create "a plan" ... I just don't think it's gonna be as cut and dried as some folks might execute...I don't think it'll all come together at once...maybe it's something we could talk about in MC if we were doing that ... but since we're not, I think we're gonna have to "Piece" it together...

So many things contributed...we've got to figure out how to each feel as though we have "a voice" in the m. -- figure out how to articulate the good and the bad to each other in a way that still feels ok.

I still worry that h doesn't feel as though his feelings/wants/opinions are of equal value to mine in our m....Part of that is my failure...my running roughshod over him as a means of control...but part of it feels external to me and really is going to have to come from him. I think that the key for both of us is going to be trial and error (hopefully not too much error!)...the act of cautiously asserting ourselves (maybe respectfully is better than cautiously)and seeing that it's AOK with the other.

I'm still seeing myself "rushing" thru conversations with h and not listening as hard as I should be. I think there's a part of me that does that out of fear...part just distraction...anyway, I'm working hard at really listening to what's being said. I think that will give us building blocks.

So...despite the unsatisfactory nature of this weekend's conversation in terms on this "not happening again" I think we're going to be fine...it's just that it's gonna take small steps to get there instead of rolling out some giant blueprint.

Sage