I agree with you in principle, but there is a major difference that dealing like it is anybody. She's the mother of my children and we will be linked together through the kids for at least the next dozen years. I don't plan to be wishy washy in negotiations, but will try to keep things amicable and make sure the kids are provided for.
Trying to stay busy while I wait for the D papers. W hasn't initiated any D talk or pre-mediation negotiations, and I wonder, at times, if I should show my openness by initiating the conversation. Advice anyone???
Spent a little time this week laying out some of our household assets on paper so I can mentally prepare for the dividing up. I think it's helping me get ready for the separation of "stuff". Also spent some time looking at my finances with (estimated) full child support deducted - to see what kind of mortgage I can afford once the D is done.
It can't hurt to ask her if she'd like to discuss anything. She'll say yes, no, or F you.
You could mention to her that if you two can agree to everything beforehand, you'll end up paying less to the attorneys.
You sound like you're at the same point mentally as me. It used to be the worst nightmare. Now it's less scary. It's becoming a reality, & you're mentally adjusting, & preparing for a fresh start. Making the best of a sh!tty situation.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Going OK here, I was going to ask you the same. Limboland can be pretty boring at times. No D talk this weekend as we were busy with kid's games and throwing S12 a birthday party yesterday.
I had a nice Saturday night. We had a school function at a indoor swim center and W mentioned once or twice that we both didn't have to go. Seeing that she didn't want to go there together, I asked her if she was sure, she said yeah, you can do whatever you want. So, once they left, I raced to a movie that I had wanted to see.
It was a little sad as my W and I used to go to movies a lot - also at this particular theatre. And then there was the thought of being alone (not lonliness) that I thought would be something I'd have to deal with more once the D was final.
Anyway, the movie (slumdog millionaire) was great. It got my mind off things at most times completely. I got home in time to kiss the kids goodnight but didn't mention to my W where I went that night - nor did she ask. The next morning, I told a couple of the kids about the movie and we watched the trailer on line.
Wife must've heard and asked me about the movie. Then she commented later that it must've been nice to go to a movie by myself (me thinking she'd have her chance soon enough with split custody). I just kind of shrugged. Then she said, unless you weren't by yourself. I said, no, I was by myself.
Heard you've been GALing lately. Good for you. Hope things are stable in your sitch.
W's parents are driving through today on their way to Florida for their annual 6 week vacation. W said that they were going to ask if we are going to visit - like we do every year. Then she said, that she wouldn't be able to take off work and I told her I didn't want to go on my own with the kids. I then asked if her parents knew of our sitch (something that she's been very hesitant is doing) - she said, yes, she told them last week.
Then, I asked of the D papers were done. She said she had to approve them, then she could give them to me. She commented about how sad it all was, seeing it in print, especially the kids named. I gave her a hug as she cried a few tears.
I know the papers were coming, and am resigned to the certainty of the D, but it still felt like a couple of small arrows hit my heart. Nothing knee-buckling, just heart-sinking. Seems like every step closer to the end doesn't feel any better. I'm sure I have to get through the next few months, before I can get the grieving behind me and start a new and joyful life without her.
D papers not yet received from my W - maybe this week. Feeling a little down last couple of days. Seems like lately that my W and I are doing more and more things separately socially. I think I am totally at terms with the D, but sometimes, not with the acting divorced, before we are. But then again, as I think about it, why would she want to go out of her way to spend time with me - duh!
As much as I want to voice my feelings on the topic, I know it is a no-win situation. I thought about it a lot today. At times, I wish the D was final so I wouldn't have to see us living separately up close. Also, seeing her show so much love to the kids and her bffs, all the while, reminding me that there's no love for me there. OK, now, even I'm getting sick of this pity party.
I believe it. No matter how "detached" you are, living in a state where you are continuously getting rejected by someone you still love (or anyone for that matter) is painful.
I haven't been at this for nearly as long as you have, but I see it myself - my W gushes love to our kids and positively bubbles when she is talking to a friend on the phone, but immediately turns sober and distracted when she is with me.
go ahead and have that party - and then get out of the house for a while.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I go back and forth. Sometimes I am feeling really strong. This evening the continued distance is getting me down.
You are right that the sitch's, feelings, etc are very similar. I am still hoping that things can turn around and that the current distancing is not the long term trend, but...
Thanks for setting a strong example
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
