been following your sitch, just not posting thoughts...but i had to jump in on this one...first of all, isn't amazing how we can be in tune with other peoples sitches but not with our own??? LOL
ok - in my opinion, i would say h has a lot on his mind. this going back to school business has got to be nerve racking at this age (not that he is old or anything LOL) - i would say he is doing what any man under alot of different stressful things is doing, reverting to his cave
remember, lots of things going on in his life right now - school, making a marriage work, etc etc
your doing great, and you continue to be an inspiration for me
yep, definitely he's gone into the cave a bit - let him have that time without pressure to come out and just reflect on the so many recent postive steps you've taken together to boost your confidence that everything's just fine (did'nt you recently gently admonish me on my thread lately for not thinking positively enough?)
met h at school. he seemed psyched to see me. we went to a cool place for drinks and dinner. all kinds of good stuff. towards the end of dinner I asked if he had spoken with a former coworker --someone whose wife just had a baby...guy would have returned to work this week. h hesistated while answering, looked quizzical, wondered aloud if he had spoken with him.
It felt weird to me.
on the way out of the restaurant I said "ya know, that felt really uncomfortable to me. as though you were tying to remember if you had spoken with "someone" or the guy himself." he said "ah." getting the tacit implication that something about the exchange made me wonder if he had spoken with ow.
He asked (good stuff) if there was anything about the exchange he could have done differently. I said "no. I wasn't blaming you for my uncomfortableness. I was just telling you how I feel."
No matter. He's wounded and not talking to me right now.
When we got home I said "do you want to tell me why you're mad?" he said (mad as heck) "who said I'm mad?" I said "sorry, I didn't mean to tell you how you're feeling. do you want to tell me what you're thinking." he said "you didn't? well. no".
okey-dokey.
I'm royally sick of this.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hope you did some tail turning and got back on your horse today!
I do think it sounds like a big step that he did actually ask if there was anything he could have done differently. Would seem to indicate a willingness to work on communication issues.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Minor backslide dahhhhling! Weighed against all the good stuff....actually except for the intimation of "ow" it kind of sounded like one of those "normal" arguments that S's have all the time...you know, in "normal marriages" (Like there IS such a thing!! )
Okay I'm not taking any responsibility for anything I post tonight...it's 2:30 a.m. and half of my brain is already asleep.
Crud. Just lost my insightful post(they're all insightful when they're lost in cyberspace!). Hate it when that happens.
anyway ... thanks for the support guys. Turns out that Friday's events were a positive turning point (and Pam, thank you for pointing out the positive! That h had asked how he might have done something differently!)
h was still upset Sat am. I was dreading a weekend of us sulking and moping. we had been looking forward to spending this time together! he went off to the gym. while he was gone I took a page from Shiny's book and wrote h an email -- apologized for my comment, asked if we could put things aside for the weekend, and ask him to eventually share with me why he had reacted so strongly.
h came home from the gym and went off to watch tv (he hadn't read his email). I sat in the same room and read. After a little while, h reached out and touched the back of my head...breaking the ice (thank you SO MUCH h for being able to reach out!).
we talked. I apologized for what I had said. I asked him why he had responded the way he did. He said that he was so sad that "no matter how good things get, I have laid a minefield (the affair) that will continue to trip us up." I told him that I had forgiven him...that sometimes, though, I still felt sad or scared. I told him that I had just been trying to tell him how I was FEELING that I wasn't asserting a FACT (that he had been in touch with ow). It's weird but true -- for the FIRST TIME since the bomb I was able to really distinguish a FEELING from a FACT.
He said that "this is the way I feel" is a cop out and allows the speaker to say whatever they want without regard for the other person. I jumped into the pool of self-righteousness and said that I would go back to NOT telling him how I felt. That I would continue to manage my emotions all by my lonesome...and that I wanted SOME credit for having done that all along...noting that I had asked very little from him...had not really dragged him thru anything in the process. (I didn't say this angrily...but with a lot of sadness).
I also said that as long as we were being honest...I was still living every day wondering if he even wanted to be married to me...that last time I had asked he had said he wasn't sure (that was in March) and that I didn't want to talk about it now because I couldn't bear to hear the answer...
we talked about forgiveness. About how to ensure that this won't happen again (not entirely satisfying...).
All in all, a good conversation. I didn't sense that it was a major backslide for us.
I got up to go take a shower. H asked me for a hug. He gave me a wonderful hug then said "I love you so much. I want to be married to you forever." TA DA!!!! Another hurdle gracefully jumped. How cool is that????
The rest of the weekend was great...a couple of baseball games, a couple of movies, a few dinners, a bit of
I am a lucky woman.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I don't know about "backslide". Learning to communicate about sensitive subjects isn't easy, and to be expected that there will be a lot of fumbling around in the learning process.
I think Wolfie also has the fear that the A will always be there "like a dark cloud hanging over us".
I told him that I know he'd like it to be forever swept under the rug, but that it's a healing PROCESS. He can either help me work through the process or leave me to stew with my dark thoughts and questions alone--which ends up in blow-ups, miscommunications, and other forms of malignancy.
Some of our best, most constructive conversations have been sparked by something related to the A. As painful as it is for him, at least he has a way to do something--take some constructive action, rather than sit and stew in his own guilt and recriminations.
On my part, I've been only bringing the subject up rarely, and only if I'm really struggling with something.
I hope your H can see the wisdom of reframing the subject as a process, and that he has a great deal to do with how long the process will take!
Quote: we talked about forgiveness. About how to ensure that this won't happen again (not entirely satisfying...).
what was unsatisfying about it?
I know myself I've tried to "get" h to assure me that this wont happen again...asked "how can we keep this from happening again" the first response I got was..."it wont"...that wasn't "good enough" for me...so I re-stated it...what can I or you or we do to ensure that it wont happen...h's response was "well if your doing something I don't like I'll speak up"..ok so thus far h has not "spoken up" (unless of course I'm complaining about him) so I suppose I should just take his word that he will speak up..
what were you looking for from h? what did you get from h?
and btw...yes you are one lucky lady!! and your h is one lucky guy..but he already knows it!
)
and said that I would go back to NOT telling him how I felt. That I would continue to manage my emotions all by my lonesome...and that I wanted SOME credit for having done that all along...noting that I had asked very little from him...had not really dragged him thru anything in the process. (I didn't say this angrily...but with a lot of sadness).
