fyi: I've made a copy of the steps give me and is trying to put it handy and in my memory.
Ahhh, that is all I need to hear to be excited in doing all I can to encourage you to stay on course!
First, let me say that not believing or accepting what seems to be right in your face is very typical with spouses of the wayward party. I don't know if you have looked at the forum here on the board that has all the abbreviations, but most of us use them and you will get the hang of it shortly.
I will tell you how I felt when I was in that place where your wife is now. Except I met a man over the Internet and became involved in an EA. If you knew me in person, you would understand why I say that I would be the last person on earth you would suspect (besides your own W) of doing such a thing! My H was just as unsuspecting and trusting as you are. He almost had a heart attack when he discovered my messages to the OM....and I'm not kidding about the heart attack.
Right now, she does not feel any of her natural loving emotions toward you. You need to realize that it is a "state of mind" she is going through and those feeling can return if you do what is advised. There are a few women who are too far gone by the time the H comes here to the board to seek help, but I think maybe you have come in time. So, first of all, be prepared for her to act cold and not giving physical affection or loving words or even common courteous behavior. You must be mentally braced for all of this. I'm sure she has already displayed all of this if she has told you she hates you. Now, is the time to back away, or pull back from her and give her space. I do not mean to move out of the house! Stay under the same roof as long as you can. If she begins to talk about leaving, let her know that you want to make the M work and that you will not financially support her to live apart from you and you will do nothing to enable her affair. That will be why she wants to leave is so she is free to do what she wants regarding the EA. I know.....b/c that is exactly what I was going to do after my H found out, but I could not afford to support myself, so I had to stay here and of course I hated it, but if I had ever left....it probably would have been the end of my M and my life would have been in shambles.
As far as giving her "space", I mean to not pursue her by being in the same room as she is in all the time. Do not follow her around the house trying to talk to her. Let her be the one to start conversations. Try to keep a positive attitude showing but don't over kill and act like you've lost your mind being all giddy when she knows there is no reason for you to be that way. Just don't go around the house letting her see how hurt you are, how depressed you may feel. By wearing your feelings on your sleeve (as the old saying goes), it actually will turn her off from you even more. You have to act opposite of how you are feeling! You main objective is to outshine the OM in her eyes. That is quite a goal b/c right now she the excitement of the OM is all she thinks about. But in time, if you are consistant with your actions, she will begin to see either the man she fell in love with.....or a new man that you have become. You need to be attractive to her in your looks, actions, personality, everything. You need to become interesting to her. Let's face facts here. When two people have been together for a long time, things could get rather boring if it isn't given a lot of attention and effort. Sometimes, one of the people in the M may start to not try as hard to look as good as they once did. I know we can't stop the aging process, but we can do the best with what we have to work with. If you need to lose some weight, buy some updated clothes, try a new hair cut, or go to the gym and tone up.....do it and it will not only help your physical appearance but it will help your ego as well. Exercise is the best medicine you can do for yourself at this time. Don't tell her what you are doing and don't explain why you are doing any of this. In fact, you don't explain your whereabouts or your plans or your actions......nothing. If she asks questions, just give vague answers. Never, ever lie to her. If you get all dressed up and you say, "I'm going out for a while" and she asks where, why, and all of that, you just say that you just need some fresh air, or you are going to walk around the mall or whatever.....b/c that may be all you know to do right now is just drive around for a while to get out of the house. In time, you will think of things you use to like to do or get in touch with friends, but you need to get a life (GAL) that does not include her. If she should ask to go to the mall with you, you can say, "If you want to" and make the most of being together. Try to be fun to be around without pursuing her. Don't talk about the relationship at all, and that is hard to do b/c that is what is on your mind. But, it will lead to a bad talk if you bring it up. So, stay away from that. Just act upbeat and try to remember what it was like before you were M and be fun again. Keep your hands to yourself and don't try to hold her hand, put your arm around her or get a kiss. If she should lean in for a hug or a kiss.....then you wait for her and barely respond b/c you are making her work for it. That will throw her a bit.....which is good. Do what we call 180's which is something different than what you have normally been doing. Something that is not "bad" but that she would not expect. That may please her or it may shock her, but it keeps her off balance enough to get her full attention off the EA and onto you. Don't try to "date" her at this time, b/c it is too soon. Later, when things are a little better, you can go that route, but right now she doesn't want to be around you. Pretend that you are not hurt and that you are going to be fine and that you have a life and go on about having that life. That does not include other women b/c you are a M man and you need not to flirt or be in a situation where that could be tempting. But, stay busy at doing something when you are home at the same time she is there. Don't appear to mope around and act lonely, but keep busy. Don't let her see you reading any DB material or M books. You can go to bed early and read if she isn't in the room with you, but don't leave the books out for her to see. Don't tell her about this DB board and keep the history deleted. The reason is b/c all of these things are your tools to help you and you are not going to expose your "game plan" to your opposing team (your W). It is just smart business.
I have to go get ready for work, but I'll be back. BTW, if your W should start talking about divorce.....just refuse to discuss it and tell her that you don't want a D and that you believe the M is worth saving. No matter what excuse she gives, don't agree to anything. You can't control what she does, but just don't give in to help her do whatever she is trying to do b/c she isn't in her normal state of mind. (Of couse, you don't tell her that!)
Talk to you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
