Expose the Affair?

[sgctxok]

SG, SG, SG . . . where to begin . . . there is SO much here that I disagree with.

IT’S ALWAYS BETTER TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD
The high road is about restoring the relationship to a loving one. Exposing the affair is not the high road.

That's your opinion. I happen to disagree. There is nothing "low road" about telling the truth, especially to a predator's spouse, who has the right to know so that he/she can make their own decisions.

The highest road would involve requesting your partner to give up the other person, working to meet their needs they felt were lacking, making yourself more attractive to them, winning them over.

Wouldn't that be lover-ly. Except that the cheating partner is fogged out and full of deceit at this point, and you'd be making your request of someone who categorically does NOT have the marriage's best interests at heart in their current state!

Also, while they are wayward and actively involved in an affair, they are in no condition, physiologically, to allow you to meet their needs -- they will NOT notice your changes. Most counselors and experts on infidelity agree on this fact.

ACT OF WAR
Your spouse is very likely to perceive being ‘outed’ as an act of war. And now that everyone knows, so why not continue the affair, and by the way, let me tell you how bad MY spouse is, and why the new person is so much better.

I really don't care WHAT the cheating spouse perceives it as. I don't advocate making your decisions, strategies and tactics based on how the cheating, deceitful spouse is going to perceive them. That's enmeshment. WHATEVER you decide to do (and I respect people who have strong opinions on both sides of the "expose-or-not-expose" spectrum, including some like Sandi who are somewhere in the middle), I do NOT recommend that you do it from any other standpoint than WHAT DO YOU FEEL THE "RIGHT" THING TO DO IS IN THE SITUATION. Trying to factor in "Will my spouse be angry with me?" is a losing battle. Will an addict consider it an "Act of War" if you take their drugs or alcohol away from them?? Will a drunk consider it an "Act of War" if you do whatever is necessary to take their car keys away from them and prevent them from driving in their current condition??

You're damned right they will -- and I care not one whit.

Besides, most formerly-wayward spouses report that being exposed DID ruin their affair buzz, not strengthen it.

MAKES YOU LOOK WEAKER
Exposing the affair is actually a bold act, most likely coming from a place of strength…however, the person talking about it is often seen as whiny, weak…highlighting that they were ‘left’.

I'm really not sure where you're getting this opinion from. I've never seen a WAW or FWAW on the boards describe that they thought their exposing spouse was weak. I've seen them be LIVID, but never questioning whether their spouse was weak? Now, I do think that exposure should always come in conjunction with confrontation of the wayward spouse -- you both confront your spouse and you expose them to others -- and if you just expose without confronting, I can see how THAT would be perceived as weak. And I do see people on the boards who try to get the OM/OW's spouse to do their "dirty work" for them, instead of standing up to their cheating spouse on their own.

ALIENATES SPOUSE
The spouse being exposed is often alienated from a child, and sometimes alienated at their job, church, etc…they places they need to be connected to restore and heal in the relationship. This COULD work for the spouse doing the exposing, but could work against as well.

Yes, they are, and I say that's a GOOD thing. Didn't you just start a second thread bemoaning how overly "accepting" society is of adultery and infidelity??? Well, what's wrong with a little good-old-fashioned STIGMA applied to a cheating spouse who's destroying their family? True friends, and good family, should be ready to help not just exert pressure, but to help a repentant cheater back on the road to reconciliation, and so should their betrayed spouse.

UNFAIR BURDEN TO THE PERSONS BEING TOLD
Not everyone wants to know this news. Folks don’t really want to have to take sides. They will feel they are being asked to take sides, and many will. Oddly enough, it might not be YOUR side.

Oh please. Are you saying that another man/woman's spouse may not WANT to know the truth about what their wife/husband is doing? You have an OBLIGATION to tell them, an overwhelming majority WOULD want to know, and it's then up to them and their support system to decide what they want to do with that information.

Ignorance is bliss, eh?

AFTER the LAST RESORT
If you decide to do it, it should definitely be an AFTER THE LAST RESORT technique.

Experience shows that if you ARE going to expose, that it be done sooner rather than later, before the affair is deeply entrenched emotionally. If you want to try the LRT before you do that, I'm not necessarily opposed to that, but once an affair is 6 months or more entrenched, I would generally NOT advocate exposure anymore.

SG, I luv ya to death, you know that, but you are simply misguided on this, or at least you're coming at this from a TOTALLY different premise that I simply don't accept. To me (and a lot of others, judging from the response so far) you either see infidelity as an addiction or you don't. If you DO (and I do, and it's been proven medically -- the wayward spouse's brain actually looks different on a CAT scan!), then it follows that the first order of business is to separate the addict from the source of their addiction, but whatever means necessary. Pussyfooting around and letting them walk all over you and your boundaries is not only not effective, but it destroys the self-esteem and sometimes even the emotional health of the betrayed spouse.

Affairs are horribly destructive. They take their toll on the family's finances, on the wayward spouse's (and potentially the betrayed spouse's) physical health thru the spread of STDs, and -- saddest of all -- on BOTH family's children. I believe that we should try to shorten them by any reasonable means possible, all the while working to make ourselves the more attractive option, GALing, and taking extra good care of any involved children.

To do any less is a dereliction of marital and parental duty.

Puppy

My premise is 'save the marriage' but not just to stop the affair but to create and grow love....so the marriage is really good, one both folks want to be in. So in that light it comes as after the last resort.

Again for all of those who are posting that it works there are so many for whom in ends in divorce or bad marriages.


And if you choose to do it, you have to be ok with the consequences of your telling...the fact everyone will know...and the possibility of the marriage ending over that fact. So here is my next premise......and it has more to do with a newbie and with doing this early on....there are many folks who really can't handle that fallout.

Both sides are valid...just wanted to put this 'out there'.