Hi PM. I appreciate you explaining your stitch and the feelings you have. You sound like such a strong person. I admire your stand where your vows are concerned and patient in waiting for your H. There is something I read in Karen's post that prompts me to ask you this question. Considering that it does take at least three years for "most" MCL/WAH's to come out of their frame of mind and start to regain a certain amount of normalacy, and after you said that he had so much pride.....I wondered if that meant you would have to add even more time to those three years. In a child's life, that is a long time. What I am trying to get around to asking is, if you were to "drop the rope" as it is written about in the DR book, and move back to where your family is and move forward with your life with your children and extended family......would he come for you after all of the mess is over?
You said you've always been there for him, so he probably expects you to continue to be his best friend even though he is cheating on you and wouldn't think of doing a "real" friend the way he is doing you. So, I'm wondering if that is enabling the affair for him and if he is taking you for granted knowing that you will be there if he decides to ever go back home? What would his reaction be if he saw you suddenly pack you and his children up and move away? You said that you wished he would snap out of it, well there have been reports that that has been what did wake the WAS up to what they were losing when the rope was dropped.
You said you needed encouragement and I sound as if I am encouraging you to get a D and that is not it at all. I am merely asking questions and making possible suggestions for you to think about.....which I'm sure you already have....but still wondered how he would react and if you thought his pride would stop him from going to get you or would it shock him into action. Different things work on different people. As you said, you know him. I just hope you don't waste a lot of years waiting around on him when time is so valuable. I have seen so many women and men on this board wait around hoping for the A to end and when they begin to see "cracks" appear, they would get their hopes up that the A would soon be over. But, what really happened was that their S and OP would play the games of breaking up and making up and it about drove the LBS crazy while the others played out their games. Whatever you decide, I will try to support you and give you encouragement as best as I can. I only hope that you have thought of all the possibilities and all the avenues. You talk about him going through a hard time.....like this affair is a hard thing happening to him. What about you? You are the one he vowed to love and cherish and yet he is disrespecting you like this. Please be sure that what you do is the right route to take. Maybe you are right in that a time limit would be a good thing for you to consider. If by the end of the year you see no bigger hope than you see now, I would want to think you would consider moving back home to your loved ones. It isn't fair to you or (if he isn't being a good father)to the kids.
I did not go out of my way trying to see how much I could hurt your feelings and I feel that my words have probably stung a great deal. Sometimes I don't do well in expressing my heart. You are the one that I want what is best for. There have been success stories where the spouse remained the "friend" and finally drew the WS back, but it is a hard, bumpy road and takes a lot of grit and grace. If you have that, then I pray that your wait won't be as long as most.
I can't remember right now if you said if OW is M or not. If so, does her H know of the A? Does your H worry about being exposed to friends, family and co-workers? Does his family live there? So many questions......I apologize, I should just go back and refresh my memory by reading your first post again.
Well, I'll let you go for now. I hope you can have peace of mind with whatever you decide to do.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
