Good morning, glad to hear from you. I was anxious to know how things went.
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We did sleep in the same bed though (I messed up?) but without any hagging or cuddling.
Since that nothing happened, that is okay. But she may initiate ML, so you need to know ahead of time if/how you want to deal with that this soon. That is your personal business and I really can't tell a man that is in a bed with his wife not to ML to her if that is what he needs. However, if you can keep from being the one to make the first move, it would send a message.
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She likes romance novels, movies and been little bit of the drama queen lately, so maybe that's why?
I don't know to what extent this has to do with her decision to move back home. I hardley see why she would at that time of night and especially not calling you and just showing up. But let me say this about the romance novels, etc. It sounds really stupid, but I had to realize that I would turn to things like that b/c I was feeling empty and my needs were not being met, so I would read those romance novels and it just fed my need for the "in love" feelings that much more. I have learned to stay away from that now after having an EA. Some women can read those books and it doesn't affect them, but a lot are affected. My H and even my daughter brought up the fact that I was always reading those books and wondered if I expected reality to be like the books were. I was very insulted that they would think that I was that stupid. I knew real life wasn't, but it did not keep me from desiring the same things I was reading about. So, I had to face those pitiful facts about myself.
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We spent the rest of the day shopping.
I'm not sure I understand about that. I must have lost some time somewhere or you live on the other side of the world. At any rate your time zone is a lot futher ahead of mine. So, was this shopping for things needed at home for both of you in general, or for things she "needed"? Be careful and don't pamper.
Not trying to make you feel that you are afraid to make a move thinking you are doing the wrong thing. You can't live like that. However, you do need to get your "plan" in action as soon as possible so she will know your boundaries. I agree with Puppy that she needs to agree to a transparency (sp?) plan about changing her cell number and close any old email accounts and have everything open where you have access to it. If she doesn't and complains about "controlling" issues, then she is not ready to come back and be a wife. If she is truly remorseful and desires to work on the M, she will agree to whatever plan you have. It is true that if she wants to contact OM, there are other computers and phones she can use, but at least it won't be your computer or the cell phone. It will hurt her pride, and you may even tell her that you understand that it may cause her to feel she is giving an accountability.....but she is and she has to in order to prove that she is sincere in returning to a committed M. She will feel resentful if you come across acting like a father figure to her b/c she doesn't want to be treated like a child, however, in a way, that is how she has to be dealt with.......so it is a tricky situation. Just do the best that you can. Talk softly, but firmly to her.
Has she apologized for her affair? This is important. You see, I did not want to hurt my H, which sounds rather stupid to say and then get into a stitch of an EA, but to apologize for what I had done while I felt so much resentment toward him was very hard to do. But she has been the one to show up on your doorsteps. I remember you said that she asked you if you still wanted her back, but I suppose that was as far as it went since you did not get into the "talk"? If I were you, I think I would have to ask her something before I even got to the part about your boundaries. I would have to ask her what made her decide to come back and why did she show up without calling first and asking if you still wanted her.......and even had her stuff with her. Was it time for her rent money? Maybe she didn't have the finances to continue staying in her apartment and the OM would not support her. I don't know; I'm just still wondering about all of that. Maybe she is just that dramatic and does things on the spur of the moment without thinking of calling first. But if I were you, I would certainly get an answer from her before I got into the conditions of your "plan".
It is important that you show a lot of self-confidence when you talk to her about your plan. Don't act like her father, but as I said, be firm. The most important thing is that you act "as if" you will be fine with or without her there. You lay down the conditions and then it is up to her to agree or not and whether she abides by it or not. She needs to understand that if she does not agree or if she does not live by the plan, that she is out of there and there will be no more playing games.
I know you have a lot on your plate. It is a lot to think about and to decide. It is a lot to remember.
Hope it is a good day for you.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi and Puppy gave you really good advice. She WANTS you to tell her to stop, she NEEDS you to help her stop......I agree with Sandi, you need to ask her what made her come back, and then go from there.
I see what you are saying about the drama about coming back at night. The affair was fantasy, coming back in the middle of the night at the doorstoop is kind of fantasy as well. Let her have the warm thoughts of your reaction to her return, but also now is the time to ask for her to do these things. Don't wait.
Sandi; by going shopping I meant restocking the fridge, buying groceries... and nothing else.
She hasn't apologized yet. Maybe she's been waiting for the talk? I don't know. I guess that's a bad sign.
So, the talk: I'm going to ask her about this sudden move. I have to know why. Of course I'm glad she did but this question needs to be answered. Next I intend to say that I appreciate this step but now we have to work on regaining the trust. Even though I want to be with her, get old together and have kids and grandkids I would not tolerate any more games, lies and if something like A or "I need some time alone to think about the R" would ever happen again I wouldn't fight for the M and file for D. Next step: I think that our M - it's worth fighting for but since you have invited the third person (Puppy I like your old script:-)) there is no way it can work unless he will be completely out of the picture. Then it would be time for " no more contact,change your cell phone, email and such" part.
I have to ask you about one thing; the DR book. I think she knows I have it, (she saw it on the night stand when came by the house last week). Should I mention anything. Can I read it when she's around? Of course she doesn't know, and I hope never will, about the DB forum. But the book?
I have to ask you about one thing; the DR book. I think she knows I have it, (she saw it on the night stand when came by the house last week). Should I mention anything. Can I read it when she's around?
Would you leave your game plan out for the opposing team to read? Put it away where she will not likely look for it but you could refer to it when you need to. Do NOT read it in front of her. That would be a terrible mistake. Do NOT mention anything about the book. If she should bring up the fact she saw it and ask about it, just say that you have been doing quite a bit of reading lately and let it go at that. Remember that you don't always have to give an answer to every question she has. When in doubt....smile and say nothing. Don't lie, but you can be vague by being careful how you answer. If she asks to see it, tell her it is something just for you and not her. It may make her more curious and if she seeks it out, then so be it, but I would put it away and certainly never read it around her b/c that is putting pressure on her just by seeing the title of the book, plus it makes you appear "needy" reading it in front of her as if you are hinting. So, "no" to all your questions. I could have said that to begin with, but then that is Puppy's style and not Sandi's (LOL).
Your list of things on the "talk" seem to be good. I like your firmness and yet a touch of kindness (don't over-kill with appreciation for her moving back). If anyone has a better way of saying anything, Pup's your man to check with.
Good luck. Hope it goes well.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
