WAW New life with OM

[25yearsmlc]

PP,

GANL or GAL are mandatory for YOU, not as strategies to win her back, but to make you happy and healthy and model for your kids the kind of healthy behavior you need to demonstrate.

Just wondering what your 180's are now. Would taking a baking or cooking class be one? Even if not, if you like it, do it. But again, you have to think of what you are showing your w would be different if she were to come back and you were to reconcile. So, IOW, what would she be able to say is new and different in you?
Keep that up. And be patient. It takes much longer than you might realize but the good news is that OM will screw up eventually. Has to, he's no perfect guy. If he were, he wouldn't be with a woman who left her h and kids for him...

Sounds crispy and black and white of me to say it that way, but I'm a mom and I can tell you there's no way I'd leave my kids for any man. You have not said she's evil or psycho, so I'm going to assume her maternal feelings will kick in fully (I know she's around...but not exactly how crazy the kids are about this new sitch) And no mother is unmoved by the loving interaction of the father of her children with those children; in other words, she'll notice your play time with them. You and the kids spending
good times together is something that you need to do anyhow. She'll notice...
A lot more than you realize. She may even think at first that it's a GOOD thing she left cuz now you "get it"...but that will pass. She will want in on the family fun time, and will realize in time, that she cannot simply take a family photo and erase your face and put new OM in your place. Life is more complex and these things are messier than the WAS realizes in their fog. The kids and reality won't let that happen...that's when the cost of her choices will begin to catch up.

You have to be careful not to be punitive to her IF you want a reconciliation. If not, do or say what you want as long as you don't cast aspersions on the mother of your children to those children. DON"T BAD MOUTH HER TO THEM b/c it hurts you legally, maritally, and sometimes with custody. Demonstrate for your children how a man handles a blow like this, with strength and dignity.

AND IF IF IF you actually want the restoration of your m, you'll have to ask yourself each time you want to say or do something, why you are doing what you are doing. What is your goal and how will that action move you in relation to the goal? Closer to it or farther? For instance, if your short term goal is to "teach her a lesson" then it's punitive and that won't work for the restoration of your M...so your long term goal will be hurt, and besides, it's not loving. You will have to forgive her no matter what happens in the M, b/c forgiving frees YOU up to live your life well. You never have to tell her any of this; it's about you and how you live your life. Not about "letting her off the hook"...but moving forward for YOU. No one can move forward if they're encumbered with the baggage of their bleeding wounds festering. ((People who don't forgive, or learn to let go, well-- They'll often become bitter people who lose friends and family members and who, ironically, end up being the bad guy.))

So I always remind myself of what my DB coach said (Get a session with a DB coach if you possibly can, b/c they'll know your sitch and their advice will be clarifying for you; which is key...best investment I made in this whole crazy sitch).

She said, KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH...so don't make it harder for her to come home, than it already will be. The more people who know of the OM the harder it will be for her to overcome their judgement. IF she feels defensive, She will want to justify her actions by staying with OM longer than she would otherwise. NOT saying that you should lie to protect her. Just saying that IF you want to restore the M...then the fewer people who know the details, the smoother the road home.


..and "Do not be the one to show your WAS the consequences of his/her actions b/c Life will do that for them; it's not your job as a spouse to 'teach them a lesson' or decide what they 'deserve'..." IF you want to restore your M. DB coach also said, to "lose the anger" in front of the WAS b/c anger will fuel her justifications for leaving ("Oh h has got a temper, is so negative", etc). In your sitch, the fact she said you have no passion is interesting to note.

Is it true? did you both become complacent in the M? It happens and it's insidious. You can own it if true, but be sure to follow that insight (or any other ones) with some comment like "I'd do things differently if I had the chance" IF IT IS TRUE FOR YOU....if not, don't lie. That's a tactic. We are talking about real change in you; not strategies for winning her back b/c then you'll revert to the old ways once she starts to trust you, and you'll break her trust and set your chance of reconciliation way back. Don't promise what you won't deliver if you do get a chance to restore the M. And actions of course speak much louder than words and right now you are not in a pursuit mode. You are in the GAL mode; but among your "new life" is the fact that you'll pursue passionate things in your life b/c you ARE A PASSIONATE MAN...so, think of whatever 180's you can that would go to this issue. Dance lessons?

How long have you been Married and are there physical things you can do to change your appearance or exercise more?
I only ask since they're easily noticed changes and you can act as if they have nothing to do with her...just things you realize you DO want to change and so, you did.

And at some point, even though you won't be able to make sense of her choices, so don't spend a ton of time and energy on that.....but yes you do have to ask yourself about what role you did play in this. WE ALL HAVE TO DO THIS so don't feel "blamed"...just noting we all want to reduce the chance of this happening again. WIth them as our spouse, or someone else...so we all have to do some serious internal analysis. It protects US...make sense?

Hope this helps. Good luck,
(( j ))