DO they want to participate in these marriages or simply exist in them as is.
POWERFUL statement. Made me think and I also think it can be turned around on us. DO WE want to be in a marriage where there is more, or do we stay to simply exist and hope for a better tomorrow, but when that tomorrow comes, we exist all over again..
You and I are looking to be at the same place, and I am SO sorry for that. Im sorry for all of us truth be told. I want to scream at times. WHY is this so hard, WHY are we trying so hard.... But of course we know the answer.
Hope your interview went well Cinco. My thoughts are with you. SO sorry again..
First about the interview... $8/hr x 62 mandatory hours per week, 6 days a week, supervising what amounts to a sweat shop, no benefits, no vacation, 6 holidays. With the overtime the overtime about $30k a year. A waste of my time and gas basically. That's 50% more hours and half of what I was making before. I think Wal-Mart pays better than that.
Diane, we have to set our boundaries and stick to them. It is up to them to decide if they can meet it and if they can't then it is unacceptable and we move on. I want to be in a marriage where there is more.
UPDATE:
Last night as I got into bed W has the TV on tuned to Sean Hanity. It was about 11:30 and I'm thinking, "This crap is gonna keep me awake and I've got to get up for that interview." I say, "Is that the only thing on? Haven't you heard enough of that stuff all day long?" and put my earplugs in so I can get some sleep.
She can tell I'm a little pissed about it. All I really wanted to do was to go to sleep. She turns the TV off and thinks I want to R-talk which I didn't. Anyway after trying to explain I just want to go to sleep she keeps at me to talk about what is bothering me.
She gets me to talk all right. By this time I'm angry and all sorts of stuff spews out.
How frustrated I am all of the time.
How I seem to be the only one actively working to try o bring us back together.
How so much of our life has been wasted.
How I don't want to wait to LIVE anymore.
How she has no idea what it's like to obsess about sex because that's all I can think of when it never happens.
How frustrated and angry I am about trying to find a job right now. (Don't quit your job anyone, it's hell out there.)
It was basically an angry rant about everything that is wrong right now that I feel I have no control over. INSTEAD OF DROPPING THE ROPE I YANKED ON IT REALLY REALLY HARD. I didn't even want to talk, I wanted to sleep. Bad mistake... but can't un-ring that bell now that it's rung.
I'm still going to move out and into my mom's empty house. We need the time apart to figure out where we go from here. I can start getting things done over there that need to be done anyway.
I think UPS pays more than that and has terrific benefits. I don't know what type of job you're going for, but obviously if you're going to be forced to take something for $8, you might as well go for a job that you've always wanted to try.
You know, you'll probably catch hell for last night from lots of our friends. I'm not going to smack you around. It's just a backslide. At this point (the end of your rope), what difference does it really make. Maybe you wanted to spew once more before letting go.
When you described the "limp handshake," I almost cried. How awful. When your husband is LD, he can't "fake it" - he has to get into it for it to work at all or nothing happens. An HD wife is at least spared the limp handshake. YUCK.
I hate to say it, but I would bet that your feelings about your marriage aren't helping you look for or land a job. The hunter/gatherer instinct might be out of whack, no matter how much you want to provide for your family. Our MC told my husband that his issues were definitely standing in the way of him "presenting well" in interviews (he hasn't been able to find a new job in 6 years, so he stays at his current one in misery).
All of last night was your basic animal self, not the Great Cinco that's been reading and thinking and working and reflecting. All you can do is get back up on your feet, brush it off, forgive yourself, hold your head up, and look forward with dignity.
Yes my attitude about... well just about everything... aren't doing me a bit of good.
I've been in electronics engineering for a long time. $8 is less than 1/3 of what I was making. $8 would mean selling the house 'cause it would barely cover the mortgage.
I know I'm just at a really low point right now. It's hard for me to find the humor in stuff even. I know I'll lift out of this. For now I'm just in a funk.
I'm sure you've reached out to everybody you know, as you must have many contacts after 19 years. Is there anything different you've always wondered about doing? I know you don't want to sell your house... I'm just wondering if there isn't a way to piece the money together in a creative way. I understand if you want to stick to your career.
I hope you laugh soon, Cinco.
Where the hell is Ali? She'll know how to cheer you up.
You know what? I got a 'real' hug from W when she got home tonight.
It wasn't that mechanical pat on the back thing. It was a real squeeze me 'cause she loves me hug.
Gosh that felt good. At the end of our talk last night we did end up hugging saying how much we loved each other. (I know we love each other that's what makes all of this so dang'd hard.) Maybe something that we said last night finally made sense to her.
Diane, I have always wanted to do some type of audio work, I really have a passion for amplifiers. Recording studio or amp design/repair. Trouble is the economic woes hit these type of businesses really hard. I was trying to get in an audio shop down the road and every time I call them they are still struggling. I'll keep trying them though.
Cinco: That's great! You know, it is hard to "drop the rope," so all of these little instances keep us hanging on. We just want it to work.
Would you ever consider giving music lessons? A friend of ours makes six figures teaching high school kids the guitar in their homes. He is an excellent musician, he's a "rocker" with long hair, and all of the rich folks in his area think it's a novelty to have this character be their kids' music teacher. He first worked at a music studio where he taught lessons, and his reputation became so great in the area, he was able to break off on his own. All CASH. I think he charges $50-60/hr. Even if you don't want to do that, it could be a meantime thing...
I just realized I called you Diane in that post. I was thinking of her at the time I guess.
I actually did teach music lessons for a time many years ago. I wasn't any good at it. Come to think of it I was a kid at the time. Besides I'm a bass player and the kids wanting to play guitar out number bass 10 to 1. Besides I know just a little bit of music theory. I'm self taught and play mostly by ear. Thanks for the suggestion though.
Yeah NMMNG calls dropping the rope "surrendering". I like that term a little better. It's letting go of the things that you can't control and changing the things that one can. "Letting go doesn't mean not caring or not trying. Letting go means letting be."
It is hard when you just want it to work with the partner that you already have.
That's 50% more hours and half of what I was making before. I think Wal-Mart pays better than that.
Come to think of it I was a kid at the time. Besides I'm a bass player and the kids wanting to play guitar out number bass 10 to 1. Besides I know just a little bit of music theory. I'm self taught and play mostly by ear. Thanks for the suggestion though.