I know about the situation that he is talking about. Since they were separated for nearly a year, I would say that it wasn't an affair and leave it at that. I know he is hurting and it is normal to look at the other person and say well how is this different?
She liked someone, he used her.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I have been sitting bottled up atop my own powder keg for 20 months. I had chosen not to expose except to close family and friends out of hopes that my WAS would eventually come to her senses. Instead she continued consolidating her adultery and building a support system for herself among other pro-divorce "friends". Meanwhile her more conservative Christian family on her father's side obviously knows nothing of all this -- she has not even told them we are separated.
And now that I am just hours away from being served, I am sure STBX is contemplating the fabrication of a story, with her co-conspiratory mother's help, to slander me before the paternal relatives. Her uncle is a minister, and I am sure she's trying to figure out an excuse for leaving her husband after 18 years, especially one that can explain her new "boyfriend".
I am tempted to spill the beans now as there appears to be no reason not to. I am not content to allow the WAS' story continue to stand unchallenged publicly as that entails slandering me as well as butchering the truth.
So for me, exposure represents the nuclear option at this point, as I no longer hold out any confidence that my M can be saved. The only thing that stays my hand is that I do not really want to hurt her. If she is to ever suffer the consequences of her own choices and her actions, part of me would rather not be the one to initiate it.
But then the other part of me is concerned for my sons. I am still debating whether there might be some fallout to exposure that might harm them. Really, that is the overriding consideration here -- would exposure cause more harm or more good for my sons?
Puppy, I know you believe that all cheaters lie. And I understand why you feel that way.
But there comes a point for some cheaters, when they stop. Except for the affair, I am an honest person. No one doubts where they stand with me, and I have been accused of brutal honesty on more than one occasion.
My A days are over. I am not a liar anymore. But when you say that, it cuts to the core. I wish you could find a better way to say it...no, a nicer way to say it. But then it wouldn't be you, I know. Some of us have shed this stigma/label/stereotype and never want to return to it. What do you say about us?
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
Puppy, I know you believe that all cheaters lie. And I understand why you feel that way.
But there comes a point for some cheaters, when they stop. Except for the affair, I am an honest person. No one doubts where they stand with me, and I have been accused of brutal honesty on more than one occasion.
My A days are over. I am not a liar anymore. But when you say that, it cuts to the core. I wish you could find a better way to say it...no, a nicer way to say it. But then it wouldn't be you, I know. Some of us have shed this stigma/label/stereotype and never want to return to it. What do you say about us?
Melissa
Melissa,
By that, I mean people who are CURRENTLY cheating. I believe in forgiveness, and redemption, and I believe that a FWAH/W can -- in time and with a solid transparency plan in place -- rebuild both their spouse's trust and their own believability.
It takes great courage to stare down your demons, turn away from them, and re-commit to your marriage, when it's already been damaged at your own hand. I have great admiration for FWAWs and FWAHs.
I've never yet seen someone actively IN an affair that didn't lie, usually repeatedly, in order to cover up their affair and accomplish their endgame. THAT is who I'm referring to.
[quote=Mellenmack]I've never yet seen someone actively IN an affair that didn't lie, usually repeatedly, in order to cover up their affair and accomplish their endgame. THAT is who I'm referring to.
How about "people in affairs lie -- PERIOD."
I agree. To others, their children!, and to themselves as well. Karen
I have been sitting bottled up atop my own powder keg for 20 months. I had chosen not to expose except to close family and friends out of hopes that my WAS would eventually come to her senses. Instead she continued consolidating her adultery and building a support system for herself among other pro-divorce "friends". Meanwhile her more conservative Christian family on her father's side obviously knows nothing of all this -- she has not even told them we are separated.
And now that I am just hours away from being served, I am sure STBX is contemplating the fabrication of a story, with her co-conspiratory mother's help, to slander me before the paternal relatives. Her uncle is a minister, and I am sure she's trying to figure out an excuse for leaving her husband after 18 years, especially one that can explain her new "boyfriend".
I am tempted to spill the beans now as there appears to be no reason not to. I am not content to allow the WAS' story continue to stand unchallenged publicly as that entails slandering me as well as butchering the truth.
So for me, exposure represents the nuclear option at this point, as I no longer hold out any confidence that my M can be saved. The only thing that stays my hand is that I do not really want to hurt her. If she is to ever suffer the consequences of her own choices and her actions, part of me would rather not be the one to initiate it.
But then the other part of me is concerned for my sons. I am still debating whether there might be some fallout to exposure that might harm them. Really, that is the overriding consideration here -- would exposure cause more harm or more good for my sons?
It is still a lot to consider.
I nuked her hard, but I did not throw her under the bus to our son. In fact, I told her that I would leave it to her what she told our son with the only caveat being that I would be there and would not stand by idly if she lied.
She ended up telling S7 that "mommy made some mistakes", which is funny considering she has shown zero remorse (or any other emotion). My son knows that the divorce was not my idea, and that I did not want it and that is good enough for me. He does not know about mommy's boyfriend, but he is not stupid so I will let him figure out her mistake on his own.
One day when he is older, if he asks me what happened, I will tell him the truth.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
