keeping my sanity

[Silver Fox]

Hi Hope,

My H is starting his "pity party". Stop by if you have a chance.

Sounds like you are staying strong and preparing for YOUR future.

Take care.

[hope3343]

Stopping in just to vent.

No reason. I figure if I come here and yell and scream and cry then all the stuff I want to say to H and the plastic pinata I will hold back.

Just feeling angry and sad. Went for a 2 mile walk last night on the beach walk. Thought it would clear my head but all I could do is think about where my life went. The only joy I have is with my girls the rest is crap. I go to the gym, yoga, read, try and get out and all I feel is empty. I want to go see H and beg him, beat him, cry, and ask for our life back. BUT I know it will do no good. That is why I am here. He needs to come to his own realization and as long as PP is in the picture he will never come out of it.

I think woulda, coulda, shoulda and why did we come here? If, if, if. This move destroyed my M. What I thought would be so good for our family, left us abandoned.

I know I can't do anything but pray and come here and get my daily fix of support. I truly need it these days.

[Hope4us]

I think woulda, coulda, shoulda and why did we come here? If, if, if. This move destroyed my M. What I thought would be so good for our family, left us abandoned.

Don't think I've ever posted to you before Hope, but I read this and just wanted you to know that I understand completely how you're feeling.

My W's a started 5 months after we relocated for work. Worst move I ever made. Even though my W claims this was coming for a long time, I don't believe it. I firmly believe the stress of the move/new job she hates, etc created the environment for it to happen. My traveling for work a lot didn't help either, but I strongly believe the move, coupled with a pre-mentapausal W created the perfect storm.

Enough about my sitch. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Can't change the past. But it will get better.

[Yoyowife]

Hope,
Come here to vent all you need. Sometimes it is the only thing that keeps our sanity.

I don't mean to keep harping on the AD's, but I don't think I could have made it without them. I resisted going to the dr. about 6 months. I was a bundle of nerves. I cried a lot, I couldn't concentrate at work, and most of all I had a hard time being the mother my girls deserved. Please don't think I'm criticizing you, I just see so much of myself in you and the pain you are experiencing.

Hugs, Yoyo

Hugs, Yoyo

[hope3343]

Hi Hope4Us, Thanks for stopping by. Glad you understand. When we moved here it was a completely different culture. Every night is like a weekend, restuarants, malls, movies, bars -- the parking lots are packed.
We would go out on the weekend for dinner and maybe catch a movie. My H had his head turned by all the action. First he started playing golf which he then started having a drink here or there occassionally, then with OW she was a party girl always asking him to come to parties to her house she was having (gee where was my invite?) and he did not go till last summer when I was traveling and the PA started up. Think it was EA prior to that for a few months. H started drinking again - heavily and M fell apart after only a few months when A started. OW was like Disneyland for H while I was the boring wife that didn't like to go out all the time. Without family here for support and no accountability - H went crazy.
Never saw it coming. I feel like the old shoe.
Glad you are making some progress with your M and getting back on track. H never gave me a chance to try and have us work it out. He just shut down and moved out, destroying his relationship with D15. They were so close and she was Daddy's girl. It is shocking. She has not seen him since 12/22 -- her choice. But it still has not softened his heart.

Yoyo, thanks for stopping also and checking in on me. I do have a doctor's appt in about 2 weeks. I never used ADs before and if I can handle it I will, if I can't pull myself out of this funk then I will consider. I am so unfocused at work and need to be since there is only me now. Hate this.

[Hope4us]

Hope, I can so relate.

I'm the boring H who works, cooks dinner, spends time with the kids, etc and OM was the single (well married, but living 1000 miles from his W and kids) harley ridin, heavily drinkin free spirit. After 22 years of marriage, I just couldn't compete.

I understand what you're saying about your D. My S16 and W were CLOSE. I'm close with him too, but they were CLOSE. Now their relationship is strained. He's getting there, and some will accuse me of being at fault for telling him the truth, but he knew before I said anything to him. He was an honor student before the A and is now, but the year during, and before I told him the truth, he was approaching a D average. S16 said to me the other day, after I picked him up from his friends house where he'd spent the weekend, "how was mom this weekend"? I told him she was good. He said something that I've really been thinking about lately, "why is she always good when I'm not around"? That about broke my heart. And he's right. I see a difference in her when we're by ourselves vs. when S16 is there. I told him that she still loves him deeply, but she's dealing with not only the betrayal of me, but of the loss of how he viewed her. That it was her chit to deal with and to not think she doesn't love him still. She just has a lot to deal with. But I know it still hurts him. He must feel like he's the cause of where she is. And that pains me more than I can almost stand.

My counselor told me that moves like this can be a trigger like you mention. No support group. No accountability. And it sure was for us. We lived in a small town where everyone knows EVERYTHING. Town my W grew up in. Adopted home town for me. Anyway, my C said that when someone is put in a situation where that accountablility is not there, they can go ape chit. And he hit the nail on the head. My W found she loved it that she could go to the mall and not see ANYONE she knew. She loved it that she could go to a bar with whomever (OM) and her mom wouldn't mention it to her a day later. She mentioned to me early on that she loved our new location because she felt "free and independent".

And I guess we all know what those key words mean on a board like this.

I don't know what advise to give you. DETACH. It's the only thing that will keep you sane. I really started to make progress, not only with me, but in our M also, when I realized this was her mess, not mine. Try to remember that even though you're stuck dealing with the pain in your D's life.

[InLikeFlynn]

H4U, that Mother/Son16 relationship needs to be repaired asap!! I think if that relationship gets back where is was....that it will help your relationship with your wife!! Once repaired she will not want to harm it again by being wayward again or divorcing you down the line. Just my opinion!!!

[Silver Fox]

Hi Hope,

Thanks so much for staying in touch and for your support.

I'm concerned about what you said here:

Just feeling angry and sad. Went for a 2 mile walk last night on the beach walk. Thought it would clear my head but all I could do is think about where my life went. The only joy I have is with my girls the rest is crap. I go to the gym, yoga, read, try and get out and all I feel is empty.

These feelings come and go with me too. But I've tried the "thank you" approach lately and it's really working. Before I go to sleep I say thank you for.......and list as many things as I can - simple things like: My warm bed, the rain we had today, my great students, no traffic on the way home, my dogs, that great tasting orange juice I just bought, the book I'm reading, my awesome friends......sometimes I fall asleep before I've finished.

Start thinking more about where your life is going rather than where it went. Maybe your H will want to rejoin you someday.

[hope3343]

Hope4us, I have been detaching. At night I think of all the payback I would like to dish out and then by morning it dissapates. It is hard too working with H and the OW. Supposedly they are being investigated at work because he is her supervisor but nothing yet.

I can't understand how these WAS let the kids go too. I was just talking to D15 and she wants to go to a movie with a boy tomorrow. Usually she goes in a group but wants me to go to another movie and she will meet him there and I can "check on her". I said I wish I could talk to your father and discuss it; and she say angry "he doesn't live here anymore, I hate him and I hope he moves out of state, I don't care". How do you deal with that? Totally wounded. This is the same kid that she used to kid around with her father and he used to say "am I your hero" and she would say "yes" and were 2 peas in a pod.

I am going to let her go to the movies (she will be 16 in August), but it is difficult to make these decisions, I am truly alone. I never thought I would be a single parent. H doesn't know she has won all of their soccer games, that she got a goal last week -- nothing. I made an appt with a C today for her. I guess he will find out when he gets the insurance form.
Hopefully your S16 will be able to rebuild the relationship with his M. It really changes the dynamics. My heart goes out to you.

Silver, I will try the thank you approach. I think about how it is said when you marry that 2 become 1. Now I feel as if 1/2 of me is gone. It is like I am grieving for my spouse if he had died. But he is here sharing his life with someone else. I am trying to overcome this pain. It is tough.

[hope3343]

Yesterday ran into H in the hallway at work. Almost walks smack into me. He says Hi, and then he asks about D15.

Told H I have been very worried about her, she has anger issues, been very down and I have set an appt with her for IC. H said well I have been trying to see her and she sends me rude messages. I said I have see every message she has sent to you and they are not rude but she is not saying what you want to hear. We had a conversation. Yes I am in Plan B, and I should not have talked to him as long as I did. (about 10 minutes) I asked how he was and he said I am good, trying to jog at night and taking care of myself (that is why you look like chit). Told H that she was depressed on VD because she knows that H always brings her a small gift. H said tell her I have a gift for her (a week late?) and wants to get together with her.

Said D is angry with him and has shut down to him right now, she feels you replaced one family with another. H said I did not do that and I said it is not what you think it is what she thinks. She is also worried that court would make her see the plastic pinata and even though I told her no because of her age she worries about it. I told H that he has to realize that his girls will never accept the slag (yes that is what I called her ) no matter how much time goes by.

I said, remember how he thought at the beginning that D would be mad at him for a little while "but would get over it" , Even I never thought what devastation this has caused. This is the worst thing you could have done to us. His eyes filled with tears. He also asked about the dog with her hurt paw.

I asked about work and he said whatever and he was looking for another job. Where, out of state and he said of course not.(lie). I said good because we would hate to be abandoned 2x.

Said I hoped that OW was looking for job, he said she is looking too, and then I started to lose it a little bit.

I said you're going to make the sacrifice and leave the Company because of this A and lose 1/2 of your retirement (6 months away from reaching full retirement) and she is going to stay because she can't make more money somewhere else. I said if you go she better turn in her notice the same day. (Get the 2x4s with my emotions) I said there is no way that it will be acceptable for her to continue working here. It will not work. Never happen. H then said well I know there are rumors going around here and I am looking. I said it is probably the worst kept secret in the company. H looked pained.

So I kinda blew it. Did not tell him about work exposure, but I wonder if he will leave before the Company catches up with this. If H thinks he will go to another position and OW stays behind i will go to the president of the company. No matter what happens she will not be working here.

At the end I mentioned that I planned on taking D away in March because she really needed a change of scenery and if I could borrow his GPS. H said fine and I know he wanted me to ask where but he will find out when he sees the location finder in CA!!!