Vicky, I don't know that I would call the the 180's manipulations. Basically, I see it as a wake up call to improve the things that have been lacking in your life without stepping out of your boundaries.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I haven't posted in a while, but I've been reading and keeping up on everyones current events. I hope things go well with commited with his wife's return.
Anyway, I decided before I try a new approach with my H that I would check in with you guys first. So I read DR and I'm now reading DB. I was up to the do a 180 section and liked what Michele said to do opposite to what I've been doing and see what happens. It got me to thinking that since dealing with H and OW all these years, I've been getting angry, making demands for H to stop, and the times we do S (except for this time) I was the one pushing H to come back home and doing all the typical things to make him come him. And like DB says he then does the total opposite and even more of it.
So I was thinking that my 180 should be to encourage H to stay out. To let him know that I think it great that he taking time to figure things out (even though I know its with OW) and that I'm enjoying having the house and time to myself. I was even thinking to tell him that its nice that he wants to be there for OW. Of course, this would definitely be a total 180 instead of fighting against the A. I plan on being happy about all this.
What do you think? Should I give it a try. I know it seems risky to me, but Michele said that 180s are risky. What do you think? Thanks.
Blccccch.
I think the true, DBing "180" with regards to him going out would be to not say ANYTHING -- no nagging, no questioning, no pouting, no pleading. Just GAL and maybe not be there when he comes home, or be less pouty or whatever.
But do NOT tell him "it's great that you're there for OW" -- no way!!!!
In fact, ANY conversation about OW should be off-limits.
Thanks guys. Its good that I have you all to share with first b/c believe me, I can go off on a tangent and then realize in hindsight that it not good.
BTW, where I came up with this is that from what I read in DB, Michele talked about a wife whose H stays out late all time (like my H) and W always argued with him and then Michele advised her to encourage him to go out with his friends. Tell him that she has other plans and to actually GAL. To basically change the game/the cycle, and then her H actually change his habits. I know with my H this has totally been the case, with OW and other things. I find that once I push issues with OW he would then defend her, once I say positive things like about him being there for his son, he says something like he's very bad or something not so positive. Or once I argue, or pursue, he retracts on his position. So I thought about giving this one a try. I even remember Michele saying that for example, to help a depressed person, one should try not being too upbeat. Not trying to cheer him/her up. Give in to their depression.
Truth of the matter even if I tell him that go be with OW if he wants to won't he continue to. Would I be losing anything if I try something new?
Thanks guys. Its good that I have you all to share with first b/c believe me, I can go off on a tangent and then realize in hindsight that it not good.
BTW, where I came up with this is that from what I read in DB, Michele talked about a wife whose H stays out late all time (like my H) and W always argued with him and then Michele advised her to encourage him to go out with his friends. Tell him that she has other plans and to actually GAL. To basically change the game/the cycle, and then her H actually change his habits. I know with my H this has totally been the case, with OW and other things. I find that once I push issues with OW he would then defend her, once I say positive things like about him being there for his son, he says something like he's very bad or something not so positive. Or once I argue, or pursue, he retracts on his position. So I thought about giving this one a try. I even remember Michele saying that for example, to help a depressed person, one should try not being too upbeat. Not trying to cheer him/her up. Give in to their depression.
Truth of the matter even if I tell him that go be with OW if he wants to won't he continue to. Would I be losing anything if I try something new?
I would never want to have my words "go be with the OW if you want to" to come back to haunt me. That addiction to the OW is strong, you do NOT want to encourage it verbally in any way shape or form. You do not want him to say to you someday, "Well, you told me to go to her if I wanted to. I figured you must not mind it that much."
Do more of what the books says in that if he is going with the OW, you leave the house as well...look good, smell good, GAL.
Got it. OK I think that I will hold off on telling him to go be with OW. My H and I are already S, but we do talk from time to time. I probably will try though to do some sort of 180 where I am not trying verbally to get him to move back. I don't pursue him, but DB had me thinking today that I should do something else, a "trial and error" per se and "encourage" H to stay separated, i.e tell him how nice its been to have time to myself etc.
I don't pursue him, but DB had me thinking today that I should do something else, a "trial and error" per se and "encourage" H to stay separated, i.e tell him how nice its been to have time to myself etc.
Yes, but I think DB is more about actions vs. words, so instead of telling him how nice or happy you are, show him by GALing, having fun, focusing on yourself, etc. I think that will make more of an impact than any words you tell him. Karen
I actually must say, I've been trying to make sure that I'm pretty happy, some down says but I've been pretty upbeat. I know first hand that God works best in tough times! It just seems sometimes that progress is so slow that I'm always tempted to try something else.
It just seems sometimes that progress is so slow that I'm always tempted to try something else.
I remember several people warned me when I first started here that the most important thing you can have when DBing is patience. I wanted my M to be reconciled in days or even hours, but I think it usually takes a while. A year or 2 is a more accurate time frame probably. That's why GALing is so important I think, to make the time pass more quickly and you even wind up having fun and becoming a more happy, self confident person, so whether your M works out or not, you'll be fine. Karen
