Stillhope may have a point--it's quite possible your H will never give you any answers. However, I also know what it's like to be the sort of person who has to reach an understanding of the situation before she can move on. Knowledge is empowering, and it makes the world seem a much less random place if you can come to some sort of understanding of why your marriage failed, etc. In my case, I read everything I could for months, until I came to a place where I felt compassion for my H's pain.
My H came out of his fog after 4 years, but only because of an excellent C. Some men, I understand, can take years longer than that. For some, the act of actually confronting their fears is so terrifying that they run for years. There's also the chemical component of depression to be considered: as their seratonin levels go down, depressed men exhibit certain behaviours at certain levels, and the seratonin rush they get from OW, lapdancers, etc, may be as much pain relief as they seek for some time. So, each person's timeline cannot be predicted; it may depend on the level of damage they've sustained.
So, the person you married is in there somewhere. But you're probably the person he loved and trusted the most in his life, so as long as he hates himself, he's not going to be able to offer you anything.
In the end, I see my H's MLC as having been inevitable, given the work he needed to do on himself to "grow up." And agonizing though it was, it forced me to do much needed work on myself, too. Can you see some sort of (backwards) positive like that for yourself as well?
I don't know if this is exactly what you're looking for. I ended up reading so much that I'm not sure where it was all located, but if you have some specific questions, maybe I can point you in a helpful direction.
Good for you for putting on weight--the affair diet is a killer! What kind of classes are you thinking of taking?
