Walk Away German Wife (WAGW)

[Coach]

The home-equity line is in my name alone because it was to be the bulk of her divorce settlement.

Did you get legal advice on that before you did it?

Maybe I'm being naive, but I've always wanted to be supportive of her, mainly for fear of having her flee from me.

her up and moving to another continent wasn't fleeing?

It would be a validation of her fear and reason for why she wanted the money up-front.

She took your money up-front (HELOC in your name) so she could go home. Bought a car, rented a apt, enrolled in school and you don't want to make her feel uncomfortable?????? Quit worrying about her fears and your fears and do what is right.

[JDOllie]

Take her off the joint bank account.

In this state, if you don't have joint money, and you stop having a physical relationship, you can 'start the clock' - i.e. I can claim my W doesn't get anything from me going back 2.5 years because we stopped ML and she started her own bank account, etc.

Also, I paid off $18,000 in debt in that time period which will all count against her - instead of paying alimony, etc.

I wouldn't hand her the bill when she walks in the door - just put it in with her stuff. Don't make a big deal, don't say anything about it.

It will be hard - I can remember the first time I stopped letting W walk on me. I was sweating bullets - but I was right. I was firm and fair, and I stood my ground - she yelled and blustered, I responded quietly and calmly.

I told her I loved and appreciated her, but the situation was unacceptable.

[PortlandDad]

Sadly, I didn't get any legal advice or input before I took out the loan. It made me sick to my stomach to do it, but it was a month after my W had told me she wanted a D and retained an attorney. I was in so much shock and disbelief about what she was doing that I never even considered getting my own representation. I felt vindicated a few weeks later when she backed off her desire for a divorce and let her attorney go. I was definitely in the mode of trying to appease her, so when she asked for the money with the stipulation that she wouldn't use it unless she was on the way out, I was almost eager to let her have it.

It's a real sandwich atm. I read somewhere on this forum that you need to stop treating your WAS as a friend and confidant when they are like this, and start viewing them as an enemy. I know she feels that way about me, while I have repeatedly tried to take the high and noble road in my dealings with her. In that sense I am letting her walk all over me.

When my logical side is in control, it seems so absurd what I am letting her do to me and our family. If she doesn't want to be with me here, where our family is, then I can't force her, and I certainly shouldn't support her fantasy life. I deserve to be happy, too, right? My kids deserve to have me at my peak parenting ability, right?

But then my emotional side kicks in and I just break down. At the grocery store, the park, wherever I go that we had a shared experience and the memories just flood back.

You are right, Coach. I am in the right on this, and she is in the wrong. I bought into her EA defense that it was all my fault that our marriage is falling apart and that I was totally to blame for why she was unhappy. I certainly contributed mightily, but I didn't make her have an A, and I sure didn't kick her out of the house. She is feeling guilty about leaving her kids, as well she should, but she doesn't (as yet) feel any sympathy or remorse for what she has done to our marriage.

[PortlandDad]

JD: You have convinced me to close our joint account. I'm not sure what the law in Oregon is, but I know that she will eventually run out of money and the temptation for her to dip into our account will surface. Before I got the HEL, she wasn't sure if I was going to give her any money, so she withdrew 10k from our account to take with her. Because she was the only one minding the accounts, I didn't even know about it until she had left and I started looking at the statements.

She did send half of back with my D12 when she returned from visiting her in January, but I know that she wouldn't hesitate to pull money out if she was feeling pinched (which she surely must be, or soon will be).

Bleh, I absolutely hate that it comes down to money! I once told her that if I had to live in a cardboard box under an overpass that it would still be paradise as long as I was with her... and now I'm forced to cutting her off and vindicating her long-held belief that I only care about money.

Makes me wish I was an alcoholic sometimes...

[smith18]

Hi PD -

I closed my joint account and split the money and I recommend you do the same. Since she is seperated, she needs to be accountable for herself.

During the next two weeks, it is your job to monitor the situation with her, but try to avoid yourself initiating any deep R talks. If after the 2 weeks, she decides to move back to Germany for good, it probably serves you best to seek out some legal advice. If it comes to that, I can recommend a great lawyer in Portland that I used for my D - he even tried to get us to use mediation to save ourselves money.

I cant understand your W in wanting to move away from her own kids. I had the fear early on that my W was going to take my kids back to Thailand.

Keep a positive mind set through this.

BTW... Congratulations on quitting the addictive lifestyle of on line gaming.

[PortlandDad]

Thanks KerryK, I think I'll take you up on your offer for the referral.

I am looking forward to the next two weeks. It will be the first time that I've seen my W since she left in November. My MIL says that she has mellowed out a lot lately and even has started sounding normal to her again. Of course, normal to me would be for her to abandon this fantasy and to come home to be with her family, but I digress..

Right now I am have a lot of optimism that this visit will go well. My kids are excited to have their mom back (even if only for 2 weeks) and I'm not planning any deep R discussions. We are going to do some fun family activities and go see some sights that we have never seen before. I'm shying away from repeating any of the activities that she and the OM did when he visited back in Sep and Oct.

I'm stymied too why she would leave her kids with me and walk away empty-handed. I always attributed that part to the EA and the fact that the OM was applying pressure for her to leave the kids and come to Germany with him. I even saw an e-mail he wrote her last Oct that basically told her that her kids were practically grown and they had their own life now (Our youngest is 12!) I don't know if the OM is still in the picture, but despite vehement denials, I believe he still is. This is why the next two weeks are so precious to me: it's OUR familys' turn!

I will definitely be watching and monitoring things. I'm committed to being upbeat and positive and following my best DB principles. I'll keep posting as to what happens.

[PortlandDad]

... and thanks for the kudos on kicking the MMO habit. I wish I had given it up years ago: it would definitely have helped prevent my current sitch, but better late than never!

[smith18]

I always attributed that part to the EA and the fact that the OM was applying pressure for her to leave the kids and come to Germany with him. I even saw an e-mail he wrote her last Oct that basically told her that her kids were practically grown and they had their own life now (Our youngest is 12!)

Any man that would suggest this to a woman is nothing but a low life scum bag. For that matter, any man or woman that is drawn to a married person is lacking honor.

My kids and I took a fun 3 week driving vacation through your native state of Utah last summer. It was hot, but we really liked the scenery. A funny thing the X told the kids on the phone was to find something red on the trip - little did she know that most of the rocks and dirt in southern Utah were red. It was an inside joke between the kids and I. I even mention finding red in this video

[PortlandDad]

Your kids are adorable KK, and I can tell from their demeanor that they really had a lot of fun with you on that trip. Lots to do and explore in S. Utah for a couple of energetic kids! If you don't mind my asking, was that video shot before or after your D?

As far as my W's OM; yeah he is a scumbag. I've often fantasized about being given 3 minutes alone with him in a back alley. Maybe not a very constructive thought, but very cathartic! When I'm thinking rationally, though, I realize that my W is as much to blame for the A as he was. No one forces another to cheat. There has to be means, motive, and opportunity. The funny thing is that I don't harbor the same feelings of rage toward my W; there it is more disappointment and sadness.

I pray that her visit (that starts tomorrow!) is her first step back toward us and away from the brink.

[smith18]

I was right in the middle of getting the divorce done with lawyers when the kids and I took summer vacation. I started the divorce in xmas 2007 and the kids and I took a vacation to Mexico. When I got back, there were divorce papers ready for me to hand to my W - she was pissed because her cake eating was coming to an end. I filed mainly because she was exposing the kids to her affair.

I too had the same fantasy of having some "ring sparring time" with my X's OM (who is 68). I also blame my X more for the affair than the OM. He even tried talking her into coming back to our marriage.

Be upbeat and happy during the next 2 weeks. Look on the bright side - she is not trying to take the kids away from you.