I wrote the following email 2 nights ago to a couple of my peeps from here but I have decided to post it if for nothing else than a reminder to myself of such amazing grace - the road has been so long but I'm seeing something now...have been since November...I can't define it - and I hardly dare to hope in it - but something is changing.



...Tonight Jeff and I were talking on the phone about finances and the conditions that we're both in these days - nothing new about that as we each know the state of the other - but I told him something that I often think but never say and that is that if we were together how much better off we'd be now that I have a good income, etc...

He started talking about the addition that we'd have put on the house, the garage he'd have built, how far out of debt we'd be - how well things would be.

He then stated that "you can't go back" and I said "Well I wouldn't want to 'go back' but sometimes if people are fortunate enough to realize their mistakes, they can go forward". He was quiet for a minute and then he said "Yeah, I believe that".

This was the first time I've ever actually stated to him the concept of moving forward as opposed to going/coming back. Perhaps it was news to him.

I was very conscious of my attitude the whole time we were talking. Aware that if he responded negatively I didn't want that to change my attitude. In those couple of heartbeats that passed while he was quiet I started to THINK that I could get shot into left field if he resonded negatively but I didn't FEEL that happening even during the pause. Back in the day, the hesitation would have messed with my head but instead, I knew my attitude would be okay and then he responded as he did so...I don't know...maybe that's something.

There was another reason he and I ended up talking though.
Jeff often states (while trying to appear to be joking) that God hates him and doesn't do anything to help him with his troubles (mostly financial and healthwise). I have always said to him that that isn't true but a couple of weeks ago (superbowl night) he made that statement andhe says I responded differently. Jeff informed me tonight that when he was saying that God doesn't help him I said to him "Well what have you done for Him lately?" I don't even remember saying that but he has been rolling that statement around in his head for all this time and tonight he asked me what God would want from him. I told him all I could tell him was that in my experience He mostly wants us to shut up and listen. Let Him guide us and put us in positions where He can use us to help others. I then gave him a couple of examples where lately I have been positioned to help people in simple ways when I've been out on errands. Once just taking a cart back to the grocery store for an older lady when it was freezing cold and another time I paid for a woman's purchase when her debit card was declined and I noticed that her little girl was standing in front of me with a fist full of lollipops. I told him when the lady thanked me I said to her that she was welcome and that it had been done for me before. Simple things like that but I had to be paying attention or I'd have missed the opportunity, you know? I told him that it starts with opening your eyes and seeing the things you DO have instead of griping about all that you still need. Gratitude. I told him if I were him I would pray for eyes to see. It was a good talk and he actually seemed kind of excited about it.

After that conversation ended, he called me back an hour later. He wanted to clarify what I'd said about helping others. I said how else will some people see God if they don't see Him in us? I told him that a dozen times over, I have started from scratch saying "Lord, forgive me and come into my life - give me eyes to see - and to see what You see". I reiterated talking to God, praying. Seeking HIS direction. Instead of thinking he could come up with good things to do for others on his own, let God position him. I told him faith is what moves God. Not acts. I asked Him what can believe God for that would take an enormous amount of faith - I left him pondering that..."

...and of course, I'm pondering a lot myself.

Things don't happen daily, or even monthly, in my sitch but I've decided to keep a thread in order to post things when they do happen.

I'm not going to obsess like I did back in the day - thank God I'm not longer desperate. But I'm definitely on the alert and feel that the time has come to take this more seriously.

So I will.



(That doesn't mean there will be no more booby jokes though -just so you know ;\) )