Your gut instinct is probably correct about the ow, but the more you bring her up the farther and faster he will run. Don't take anymore of her calls, and don't mention her anymore.
I've been right where you are as far as "yes we have a shot." then ten minutes later. "Not a snowballs chance in hell." He will continue to play you like a yo yo with this if you allow him to.
He doesn't know which end is up right now. Take everything he says with a grain of salt. Every time he tells you something like this, just think to yourself blah blah blah. It changes like the wind.
Keep busy, change the subject, do whatever it takes to avoid these conversations. When he sees you getting too close or getting your expectations up he will slam the door on ya. All a part of their twisted mentality.
Focus on you, do things for you and most importantly look out for you.
I think the DB coaches are amzing, but to tell you to LRT...
Last Resort Technique.
It is too soon and you are not capbale or ready for it, and if you are neither capable or ready for LRT then...it is like an unloaded weapon...an empty threat.
LRT means you can and are able to walk away from your spouse if they are unwilling to come back and live by your boundaries. Can you do that?
No. Not yet.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I don't have my own thread anymore, sort of decided it does me no real good to analyze everything and anything my H says or does. I have been exactly where you are with so many things that I just wanted to say welcome and know that you have a support system here.
First, read about MLC. Really really read about it. The resource threads are wonderful and will help you gauge yourself and H.
Next, the "survival" stories, it is wonderful to hear that some people have restored their M but yes, it is because of the work they have done on themselves and believe it or not, the work the spouses did during the situation that has gotten them there. I believe it is Yellowrose whose H's MLC actually lasted 7 years. The best thing she did was to know in herself that she would be ok whether H came home or not. And as 3Beans said, not all of the survival stories remain married. That is the biggest thing you have to accept so that you can really begin this journey. You are not doing this to save your marriage. You are doing this to save you and if your marriage survives, that is a wonderful thing.
I too agree you are not ready for LRT. Not yet. Right now you should probably strive for loving detatchment. If there is OW, who cares? I know you do but you can't. And just because this one is around or gone, does not mean there is not another until your H decides that he is over that.
Funny thing about them not being as done as they say. Many go through that. My H and I agreed on living arrangements, that is was done, etc... and then two day later it was we have had such a nice couple of days it made me think maybe--coming from him. Then a week later, I was again the most horrible person in the world. So just go with it and try not to put too much stock into the words right now. The good ones and the hurtful ones.
Believe it or not a few things will happen to you while you are going through this. You will feel better about yourself. You won't care if there is another person or not. You won't be so bothered by things they do or don't do eventually. And the point will come, probably as H starts to turn a little, where you will honestly and truly ask yourself if the M is what you want for you. Is this person really good for you and what you want out of your life. And when the time is right for you, you will know the answers to all of it as well. It is not a quick process. There is lots of good advice and support here. Use this place to vent, to wonder, to analyze for a while. Take the time to think about what others are telling you, what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do, and go from there.
I am sort of floating along in my journey, pretty sure my H will not turn around anytime soon, but I am really good and looking forward to whatever my future will bring. That is what this place has done for me. I hope you make as many wonderful friends as I have and you use this as a growing time for yourself.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Thank you DB Buddies. But I made a decision. I moved out. Last night was my last night in our marital home. And oddly enough, these last two nights were probably the best he and I have had since this all started. We were comfortable. There was affection from both sides and not forced. We talked a lot about absolutely nothing, our opinions about shows we watch, his last minute decision to got to college in a different town than home, etc. We played with our son....it was wonderful. He did try to stop me from moving. But these last two days, he mentioned it once and it was to ask if I was sure. I said I was. At this point, I do NOT want my marriage to end. I love him deeply. He's the father of my child and I still believe he is my soul mate. But this is how I see it: I have moved out. He has moved back into the house, by himself, with our dog. One of two things will happen, probably not over night, but eventually: He will love his life without us. (Me and S) or He will hate it. Either way, I'll have an answer. So Jack, am I ready for the possible end? I don't think I will ever be, but that's not a good reason to live my life in limbo for as long as possible.
No the reason you live your life in limbo as long as possible is because you want to be married, it means something to you, unless marriage is disposable to you. Ahhhh f- it, it got hard...next! Don't think that is you.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
How long were you "in limbo"? It sucks. My H has told me and many many others his worst fear is being alone. I didn't leave because I want to punish him. I even thought about the fact that instead of missing me he'd go and find someone else. I did this because I need some stinking rehab and being in our marital house without him just freakin' blew. These last three nights with him there were wonderful. Granted, we slept in different rooms, but it was still comfortable, like we used to be. I'm not afraid of hard and difficult roads but it sure as hell makes it easier if you know what the prize is at the end of the road and no one, not even him I think, can tell me what is at the end of this one.
It's odd. I have no idea what you look like, what you sound like, where you live, etc.....but I'm going to trust your advice.
So I've moved out. Tonight will be my first night staying with our friends. (Me and wife are great friends, my H and her H are even better friends.) I was hoping I would be with at my friend's place for 4 to 8 weeks and something would happen that would take me back home again, WITHOUT him leaving. And not necessarily a full reconcilation, but maybe a decision to see where things could go. What do you suggest-advise, etc?
I was hoping I would be with at my friend's place for 4 to 8 weeks and something would happen
Well...that hope right there...is going to hurt you. 4-8 weeks seems like along time, but sorry to say it isn't. Sorry to say it seems like you are hoping for a magic fix, and those don't exist.
Advice, yeah don't say [censored] to your firends about him and you. Don't look for sympathy from them, it makes it harder for your H to come back if everyone knows the crappy things he did. In the end it is hard enough for him to get over guilt in dealing with you, you add all his friends and family to the mix, and you just helped him make up his mind NOT to come back to you.
Advice, find a woman around here that you can relate with, because frankly...you don't want me giving you advice, I don't do well with women. Mars Venus...
This is going to suck.
Quote:
EA ends 1-31-09
Don't bet on it. Protect your heart against that not being true.
Last bit of advice, if you cannot forgive him when this is over, quit now.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I actually haven't been running my mouth. I have one friend that I confide in and my aunt. My mother would kill him and that's not good for anyone. His parents don't know the whole story either. He's the one telling people we are separated, getting divorced, etc. But I do understand all of that mouth running has come to a stop lately. And there's still plenty of people he could tell I know she is still calling him. I know they still text, but I also know she has her new boyfriend plastered all over her social website page. But no, there is still contact. This is going to suck. But I would still like to get your perspective on my sitch. Do you have anyone here you would recommend I reach out to?
