Last year about this time I began posting on this board hoping to reconcile with W who was having an A. It didn't work. I moved on and entered into a new R before the D was final. This was probably too soon for me to be getting into an R, but the new GF was amazing. In fact she is the most amazing GF I've ever had. We're talking of rearranging our lives to be together. She is doing ex-pat work in a different country for a few months and plans to move to a nearby city when she is done. She wants me to move there with her. Right now this is my plan.
Soon after my D last year, XW starts to talk of reconciling. This hurts me so much, because for the longest time it's what I wanted more than anything. I tell her it's not likely but I also tell her of my conflicting feelings towards it. This went on for months and I convince her there is no chance for us to be together again. However, I can't convince myself. A few weeks back I became overwhelmed and stopped by XW's place to tell her that I still had feelings. I never came right out and admitted these feelings to GF until just recently either, so we decided it would be best to take a break.
During this break I began talking to XW about how we could work out our issues. We also went on several dates. These were all awkward times. I could feel all the progress I felt I'd made growing from the D experience regressing back to the discontent I felt in the M. To put it shortly. The relief I thought I would feel from working things out with XW was not there. I felt hopeless and uncomfortable with XW. I also felt like she did a complete 180 once I told her I was interested in working things out. I feel she is not taking this seriously, I have just broken up with an amazing girl to give the woman who cheated on and D'd me another chance. Instead of being grateful I took these steps, she's back up and saying "Well now I don't know if I want you, let me figure it out." I can understand that to a point, but all the feelings she was expressing and nice things she was saying about me while trying to get me back have almost completely stopped. It's like I gave her power to hurt me again and she's knows this and is using it against me. She seemes to have returned to the person I resented during the D process all over again. WTF?
Right now I'm so confused. I called GF and told her about what happened, and bless her heart, she was understanding and forgiving. She told me it's something that was healthy for me to get out of my system, and she was glad I made an effort to cope with those feelings. She is more gaurded around me now, but says she is grateful I was honest with her, and if things work out, she respects me that much more for admitting how I felt.
I still feel like I have no idea what to do. Going back to XW would open so many wounds and be a very difficult healing process, but I'd get most of the life I am familiar with back. Staying the course with GF opens all sorts of new doors, and so far this R is the best I've ever had. But we've spent months apart and if I rearrange my life (sell house, move to new city, quit job) for something that doesn't pan out... well then I'll wish at that point that I'd worked on things with XW.
I don't expect anyone to have an answer for me about what to do here, but support and advice would be very appreciated.
