keeping my sanity

[Hope4us]

Hope, I can so relate.

I'm the boring H who works, cooks dinner, spends time with the kids, etc and OM was the single (well married, but living 1000 miles from his W and kids) harley ridin, heavily drinkin free spirit. After 22 years of marriage, I just couldn't compete.

I understand what you're saying about your D. My S16 and W were CLOSE. I'm close with him too, but they were CLOSE. Now their relationship is strained. He's getting there, and some will accuse me of being at fault for telling him the truth, but he knew before I said anything to him. He was an honor student before the A and is now, but the year during, and before I told him the truth, he was approaching a D average. S16 said to me the other day, after I picked him up from his friends house where he'd spent the weekend, "how was mom this weekend"? I told him she was good. He said something that I've really been thinking about lately, "why is she always good when I'm not around"? That about broke my heart. And he's right. I see a difference in her when we're by ourselves vs. when S16 is there. I told him that she still loves him deeply, but she's dealing with not only the betrayal of me, but of the loss of how he viewed her. That it was her chit to deal with and to not think she doesn't love him still. She just has a lot to deal with. But I know it still hurts him. He must feel like he's the cause of where she is. And that pains me more than I can almost stand.

My counselor told me that moves like this can be a trigger like you mention. No support group. No accountability. And it sure was for us. We lived in a small town where everyone knows EVERYTHING. Town my W grew up in. Adopted home town for me. Anyway, my C said that when someone is put in a situation where that accountablility is not there, they can go ape chit. And he hit the nail on the head. My W found she loved it that she could go to the mall and not see ANYONE she knew. She loved it that she could go to a bar with whomever (OM) and her mom wouldn't mention it to her a day later. She mentioned to me early on that she loved our new location because she felt "free and independent".

And I guess we all know what those key words mean on a board like this.

I don't know what advise to give you. DETACH. It's the only thing that will keep you sane. I really started to make progress, not only with me, but in our M also, when I realized this was her mess, not mine. Try to remember that even though you're stuck dealing with the pain in your D's life.