Maybe I should be in piecing part 6?

[whatdidido]

Don't forget to tell her that you are unsure of your future because of x, y, and z (being the lack of discussion of the A that you said you needed, and ?). Otherwise, hearing you say you are unsure of your future when things are going so well, will be confusing and unsettling to her. She may think you don't love her.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She keeps pushing to buy a new car . . .

So SHE'S the one!

Man, this economy is horrible!!!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Don't forget to tell her that you are unsure of your future because of x, y, and z (being the lack of discussion of the A that you said you needed, and ?). Otherwise, hearing you say you are unsure of your future when things are going so well, will be confusing and unsettling to her. She may think you don't love her.

GREAT point, and distinction . . .

[Hope4us]

You guys are good.

Don't worry. I've been thinking of what I'm going to say to her and that's part of it. That I feel like we're making progress, but it is all one sided and if I don't get what I need out of our marriage also, I'm not sure how long I can continue.

I'm sure you're right. I'm sure she thinks she's making this huge effort and I should just be happy that she's still here. Don't get me wrong. I do see her trying. I really do. But she's trying in a way that gives her what she needs and doesn't take into account ANYTHING I need.

And from her perspective, I can see why she's being like this. She's willing to try with us, but if it doesn't work, she doesn't want to give up on those feelings she got from the A (and the A memomento's also). She thinks (and yes she's said this), if we're meant to be together, those things won't matter. So in her mind, I should just be ok with her keeping things that remind her of her A. Guess that's where I blew it last year when she came to me and said she would stick around to see if we could make it work. I should have set the boundary then. If she wouldn't abide by that boundary, I'd be on my own now and done with the limbo land I live in.

Lesson learned.

don't worry guys. I'm not going to just hammer her. It'll be well thought out. But I appreciate the suggestion.

[Hope4us]

Oh, she's good.

Interesting little event last night. W and I were sitting there having dinner. W's cell phone rings and she looks at me and says, "it can wait".

After dinner and for a while longer, she doesn't look at her phone. Probably a couple hours later, she gets up, gets her phone, looks at it, and listens to a voice mail message.

To myself I'm thinking, don't go there. Don't ask. Just ignore it. She knows her phone is a contentious issue with me. She knows I've asked her a few times lately about why her old boss seems to always call her when he's out of town (that's another story), so she knows it bugs me.

But I didn't react. I went downstairs and got some laundry folded and came upstairs and acted like nothing was going on.

Whole night, don't hear a thing about the call. If it was S20, she'd have told me what he wanted. If it was EGF, she'd probably mention it. But nothing.

Then just a bit ago she IM's me and says "oh yeah, that phone call I had last night was for S16. It was a dude from XXXXXX school of Technology. They're having an open house next Saturday. He was calling to invite S16".

So the little fox. Testing to see if I'll trust her getting a call and not telling me what it was about.

Honestly, some times I feel like I'm the one that had the affair!

Ok Ladies, don't go postal on me. I don't have to know what she's doing all the time and everyone she talks to. Not controlling, so don't label me. But after her A, transparency is a good thing to put my mind at ease.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm sure you're right. I'm sure she thinks she's making this huge effort and I should just be happy that she's still here. Don't get me wrong. I do see her trying. I really do. But she's trying in a way that gives her what she needs and doesn't take into account ANYTHING I need.

Man, if that doesn't just summarize your sitch in 50 words, I don't now what does. BINGO.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

Thanks Pup.

And that will be the main point when the conversation happens. I'm going to play it by ear when it happens, depending on how much progress we keep making, but I'm sure at this point I'll be able to convey it in a loving manner as I've let go of most of my anger with her.

There's still some there. Mostly, how could she let herself go there, but it's pretty much gone. I only scream in my truck about once every couple weeks now

[whatdidido]

Read this off Michelle's Blog and thought of you.

People who say their affairs just happened aren’t necessarily intentionally trying to cover their asses or justify their behavior; they often truly believe what they’re saying. They simply lack insight or awareness of the ways in which their actions, however subtle, have created their current predicaments. But in the same way that affairs don’t just happen, neither does healing from betrayal. Unless those who have strayed look inward and take personal responsible for the paths their lives have taken, they will not be able to get back on track when they’ve gotten derailed. In my view, being unconscious just doesn’t cut it.

You're looking for her to share her personal responsibility of your marriages problems and her affair. She hasn't done that. I think when you sit and talk to her about how you need to HEAR it and FEEL it, that she will rise to the occasion.

[Mellenmack]

I have to agree with WDID.

Things I learned from C:
1. There was a reason I had the As. I know my needs weren't getting me. Not rocket science. Not a justification at all, but still a SIGN.
2. It is true that I did not just wander down the road of life and think "oh, gee, I think I'll have an affair." Not by a long shot. I did not plan it. It happened because of something, and I never had much insight on myself. I will say that.
3. Going to C, I have learned what my triggers are. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am a MARTYR. Big surprise, huh? I think a lot of us are. I am fine for so long, but 1. not being listened to and my opinions/wants/needs being taken into account is big for me and 2. not really feeling like I matter, that I am just here to cement the family, makes me feel like cr@p. So those are my triggers. Anything that makes me start to feel RRRRR...is a trigger. And at that time, I need to fix it. Not wait til it happens five times or however many times it takes to "justify" an affair in mind. I need to go talk to someone. I need to let it out. I need to take care of me. What ever it is, there are a million other choices than turning to someone else.

So that was my big "revelation". That there were triggers. And that I could stop them.

Your W can too.

Good luck.

Melissa

[Hope4us]

Funny you should mention triggers Mel.

I had a HUGE one last night. And of course, got nothing from W when it comes to understanding.

We'd gone out to dinner and she was telling me about her year end review and how her boss had made a comment about her socializing a little too much and it hit me hard. A couple years ago, the boss she had at the time told her she was spending a little too much time with the "contractors" (OM was a contractor for our company) and it just hit me hard, REALLY HARD.

I tried to keep it together, but a little later I was in the middle of a sentence and W interrupted me and I looked at her and it just came out, "can I finish"? We were almost done with dinner anyway and we went home.

When we got there I sat down with her and apologized for getting a little short, but that I'd had a bad trigger and I was dealing with that. She asked what the trigger was and I explained it to her. So far so good. But then when I'd finished explaining it to her it was like I'd done something wrong. She started arguing with me about what her previous boss had said about the contractors, etc. I just looked at her and said (in a calm voice), it doesn't really matter what she said to you, it still just hit me hard. Then I got a half-a**ed apology, "I'm sorry I interrupted you", and I said to her "that's not the point. If it would have been any other time, it wouldn't have bothered me, but because of the trigger, it just hit me really hard". So then I got another half-a**ed apology, "I'm sorry for your trigger".

She tried to talk to me some the rest of the night and I was polite with her, but I just couldn't deal with it. So I went to bed fairly early. I thought for sure she'd sleep on the couch, but she came to bed later.

This morning I had finished getting ready and she was walking towards me and I tried to give her a hug and it was like she didn't want me to touch her. She did give me a half-a**ed hug and then walked into the bathroom.

So, WooHoo....once again, I'm left feeling like I'm the one that had the affair and I'm doing something wrong when I have a trigger from her betrayal.

I need to really calm down, cause right now I'm really upset with her and ready to tell her I'm done. Amazing how one little episode can really throw you from one extreme to the other.

I'll comment more on your post Mel when I get some more time.