Ah, Pup--what if you do tell the church--and they promote him to a place of leadership in spite of knowing he's actively and willingly committing adultery and throwing his family under the bus?
Then I would find a new church. Seriously.
It's not my church, it's his. Clearly, I wouldn't go there.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
"if I were the one having the affair, and I were exposed, and humiliated, I would never go back to the marriage."
And what about if you were the LBS who has been betrayed, deceived, and humiliated by a cheating spouse who refuses to end his or her affair? Would you go back to the marriage then? If so, why? Why would you go back as the victim and not as the exposed perpetrator? Seems a bit off, doesn't it?
Let me put it another way. How can you, on the one hand, say that you'd never go back to the marriage if your spouse told the TRUTH about your deplorable actions in hopes of saving your marriage, and then on the other hand say that you would fight to save your marriage if your spouse committed an act of ultimate betrayal that only served to tear your family apart?
Me: 33 WAW/MLC: 33 M: 4+, T: 10+ Separated: Nov 08 A#1: Oct 08 - Jan 09 (exposed and ended) A#2: Feb 09 - ? 1: http://tinyurl.com/mrmistakes 2: http://tinyurl.com/ckch9t 3: http://tinyurl.com/stillwaters3
Well, for me exposing my W's A to our kids (I made her tell them she ws leaving us for this OM) and family/friends has not worked as W is trying even harder to make her new R with OM work. I guess its really up to each situation.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
When I had the affair, I knew deep down it was wrong. If my H came to me and said he knew about it and to stop it, I would have. He wouldn't have needed to tell my family, friends, work, etc. I would have hated him for it. I'm not sure, but I may have even wanted to justify it even more with that many people knowing.
So, I guess that's my viewpoint. You never know until you are in that position. But, I would go with telling your spouse first, then bringing a couple people into it, then the church, then everyone. That seems the best route to me.
I WISH my wife had ended it. I gave her six or seven opportunities before I exposed, the last few even telling her she "needed to decide soon, because I can't continue living in an open marriage." And even when I DID expose, despite everyone's advice that you should do it SIMULTANEOUSLY, I did it sequentially, hoping she'd come to her senses after the first one or two. Sorta like the Japanese with Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
She is a strong, stubborn woman!
As for my kids, I decided to expose initially only to D-then-20 and D-then-18. S-then-14 came later, in a more age-appropriate manner, after he'd overheard my MIL and some other convos, and I was concerned about him.
Results? My kids both THANKED me for telling them the truth. My S16 already KNEW what was going on, but felt like he couldn't tell me because what if he was wrong? How do you think that made HIM feel? And S16's conversation with W that day was the final nail in the A coffin.
My D-then-18 knew as well, H4U, and was afraid to come to me. She'd been living with this inside her (she'd actually SEEN the two of them together, while she was with her best friend) for several weeks, and she is my sensitive one. I felt terrible for her! D-then-20 also suspected, and her and her sister had been talking and texting about it for a couple of weeks, but they were afraid to come to me b/c they didn't want to see me devastated.
I agree with everything you've said, H4U, for the reasons you've stated.
I exposed the affair to friends, family, and my husband(and ow's) workplace. It did not work to end the affair. However, it did free me although I constantly at the time second guessed it. My husband moved out the following week so at the very least the affair did not continue under my roof. I was able to have a support system, and people stopped wondering if I had lost my mind or was dying.
Almost a year later, the affair is over, maybe. It died its own natural death.
I believe that exposure is the way to go if you have the guts for it, but it isnt an easy path and it may not turn out in your favour, that being said sitting around watching the affair happen isnt going to do you much good either.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
However, if I were the one having the affair, and I were exposed, and humiliated, I would never go back to the marriage.
Personally, I would return to the marriage in spite of being exposed, humiliated and even treated poorly. (There is no way on this earth I would ever choose to be a part-time mom!). If I did something wrong I would figure I deserved to feel humiliation and I would expect my spouse to be angry and sometimes treat me poorly because of pain, fear and distrust. Sometimes I think we NEED to feel guilty, humiliated, and bad about a choice because that's how we learn something IS wrong and that we shouldn't make certain choices.
For me, I'm strong enough to "man up" to the mistakes I make, admit I was an idiot and try to make up and repair things as, best as possible. But I realize it can't be easy, and not everyone has the strength or ability to deal with those feelings.
Personally, I am a big believer in exposing lies and deceit, and I've never regretted that. However, I know there are always possible consequences and if one does choose to expose things they need to be prepared to accept and deal with that.
Originally Posted By: sgctxok
It does work for some ... like puppy and saffie....
And me too. You can add me to that list.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I don't know. Things haven't worked out for my M. Don't know that anything would have changed that though. My main regret is that I did put up with too much cra* for too long. I should have kicked him out sooner, since he was being so disrespectful and toxic really in his behavior. I think every sitch is prob. different. My guess would be a good way to go maybe is to DB for a period of time, but if things are worse, not better, go for the puppy approach. But I also think it took me a very long time to get the strength and self confidence to DB more puppy-style so that's a factor too.
Hey, SG, just wanted to say hi! also b/c haven't seen you around much. Miss ya! Karen
in my opinion, exposure, like justice, needs to be swift and sure. it is best to expose early on before emotional bonds are too tight to pull apart. the worst thing that you can do to stop an affair is nothing.
the goal of DBing's LRT, 180s, etc. is to get the LBS in a better position to move forward with his/her life, irregardless of whether reconciliation or the end of the relationship is going to occur. but specifically towards the affair, it is essentially sitting idly by and doing nothing.
