Her H actually likes the arrangements as it is. It suits him. I don't think he does want to go back if he can keep things as they are. Two women wanting him - what an ego boost....and for all this time he has managed to juggle it and lead this double life without his W going for half his business.
Going for a financial settlement IMO is the only way to make him decide one way or another.....and then of course there is what Yoyo wants.........
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Hi Everyone, I'm going to attempt to reply to your thoughts and offer more information. My computer is still acting up so I hope I don't lose all of this! I will copy, just to be on the safe side!
Didi, I need to fill in a few blanks for you. We own a business. I do not work there physically. I have a career as an educator. It is a corporation and I own 49% of it. The OW is his secretary.
Here is information to catch everyone else up to speed.
H had been telling me that he was no longer seeing OW outside of work. Friday night we went to ballgame together to watch DD cheer. After we got back to town he got called out on an emergency. He told me that we would do something Sat. night.
Sat. I talked him around 6:00 pm and he was still working and would call me back. I waited a couple of hours and never heard from him. I decided to drive to his house. When I got there OW's car was there. I decided to confront them both, I had endured enough of the lies.
I must admit I went in the house very angry and emotional. H and I got in a very heated conversation. I told him that I was tired of his lies. I told everything in front of OW how he had been lying saying they weren't seeing each other and that's why I continued to see him. He tried to say I was lying. I gave her dates and times. He walked out of the room. She told me "I know he is lying. I knew something was up, just didn't know what. That's why I came over here."
He got very angry and said some very hurtful things. He said he was with the OW. He kept telling me to leave, but I told him I would not leave until he admitted to his lies. He finally did. He apologized to both of us for all of the lies and knew he had hurt both of us very badly. I then walked out. I came to realize that OW was victim too. He had lied to her also.
He of course called the next day on Sunday. He tried to act like nothing ever happened. I told him I could not believe he had the nerve to call me after the things he had said and done to me. He said, "I am so sorry, but you just kept pushing my buttons." I asked him if he was really in love with the OW. He said, "No, I just said that because I knew that was what you wanted to hear." I told him that I did not want to talk to him because he was not the man I had married.
Monday night he called again. He kept apologizing and telling me how wrong he was. I was very cold to him. He asked me to please to come to his house to talk. I went to his house. After I had been there about an hour we heard a knock at the door. He went in the other room to see who it was. I didn't hear the door open so I went to invesitgate. I looked out the window and saw the OW's car. I walked in the other room and then I heard the door open. I went back in there and she had come in the house. I asked her how she got in. She said it was unlocked. She asked where he was. I told him he needed to come in the room. He walked in. He tried to get rude with her. I told him not to start that. She said,"Oh you are going to treat me like you treated her now"? She asked him if he had made a decision. He said, "Yes, we are over",looking directly at her. She then asked if she had still had a job. I looked at him. I said, "It will be too hurtful to all 3 of us for you to work with him." She said, "You don't have to worry about me, I know he is a liar."
We are still at an impasse. He doesn't want to fire her because he feels bad for her because she is supporting two children with one of them being in college. I hate to say it but in a way I do feel badly for her because of all the lies he told her too. I understand that how hard it would be for her to get another job. He still says that the pets, that the girls love so much, must go for him to come home. It seems to me he doesn't want to give, but expects a lot out of me and the girls.
At this time, divorce is seeming to be the only way to resolve things.
Is this crazy or what? You don't have to watch soap operas, just come to my thread!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
He doesn't want to fire her because he feels bad for her because she is supporting two children with one of them being in college. I hate to say it but in a way I do feel badly for her because of all the lies he told her too. I understand that how hard it would be for her to get another job. He still says that the pets, that the girls love so much, must go for him to come home. It seems to me he doesn't want to give, but expects a lot out of me and the girls.
At this time, divorce is seeming to be the only way to resolve things.
Is this crazy or what? You don't have to watch soap operas, just come to my thread!
I think sometimes we all have a little bit of that in our lives here! ((((Yoyo)))))
I have to say I DO NOT feel sorry for the OW. You get involved with a married man you get what you deserve. You have to do what you feel is right, but I think she needs to go. Your M is more important than the OW.
I also think you shouldn't get rid of your pets. We have them and they are like family members. And then what happens after you do get rid of them, and he comes up with some other excuse? I wouldn't do that; that shouldn't be a dealbreaker for him with all the crap you've put up with??? If he can't handle that, then maybe divorce is something you should consider....Sorry for that but just being honest. Karen
Karen, I agree with what you say. I don't see how H can make any demands. Let's weigh this out... Get rid of OW who destroyed the lives of our family or the pets who the girls love deeply. The pets that filled a void in their lives when they were experiencing all of the pain that their dad caused.
Right now DD20 lives with him with her dog. DD17 lives with me. We have two dogs, one which we have had for 7 years. The other two the girls got after their dad walked out.
I have even suggested in the past that the two bigger ones, both of them under 30 pounds could go in the backyard. The tiny one which weighs 4 pounds would have to stay in the house. He wants them gone period.
I know the pet thing sounds petty to some, but like you said the girls love them like family members. It's odd H has been around pets his entire life so why act like this now?
In my opinion H needs to get rid of his "pet" before anything can be resolved.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
So put it to him that way. I would think she would be out getting another job after the last incident. She was a woman on a mission and now the gig is up.
Good for you for shaking things up and forcing his hand. People need to get out of their comfort zones once and while in order to make things happen. You did that and so did he.
Now whether it did any lasting good on his end we shall see.
hugs.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I am so sorry! But you are doing so well to stand up to H and defend your position. And Karen and Kat took the words out of my mouth. The OW can go take a hike! Don't feel one bit of regret for her -- she got involved with and knowingly pursued a married man. In fact that second encounter sounds exactly like she was expecting H to chose her, even though she admitted that she now knows he is a liar.
Your H is a d*mned fool -- and you know what they say about a fool and his money!
As for the pets, your H can take a hike too! That is just mean-spirited of him to try to hurt you and your DD's just because he has to give up his precious "pet" too.
The nerve of these WAS's!
Hang in there, dear one. You are going to make it just fine, even if it means your H gets flushed down the toilet.
Good to see you posting again, Yoyo. I've missed you. No, I don't think the girls should give up their pets. I'm not even sure that the last event wasn't staged for your benefit. The girls are close to being at an age when they will move out and take their pets with them. I think keeping the pets in the yard is enough of a compromise. Perhaps H will build them nice a nice dog house. Is there any proof he would move home even under the most ideal conditions? I think this is just another excuse to maintain the status quo which is the way he likes things.
Sara, I don't think it was staged at all. He wasn't going to open the door. It just happened to be unlocked. He was hiding from the OW! She asked me where he was I said I really don't know. She asked if he was even there. I said yes, he is, but I don't know where. I told him to come out of hiding. He was in the dining room. When he came out, he looked like a kid that had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I know he isn't that good of an actor.
After she left we had a long talk. He told me that he had been over her house a few times recently, but it had been a long time since they had been intimate.
DD17 also told me that when she went to see DD20 Friday night at H's house that OW drove by his house. That was the night that we were together at the ballgame. I'm sure she was checking up on him. OW told me that Saturday night when everthing came to a head she knew something was up, but didn't know what it was.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Like Sara, I am relieved to see you posting again. I have been worried about you.
If OW and your H hadn't been intimate in a while then why is OW still so 'on the scene'. It just doesn't ring true. I honestly believe he went to see her that evening he got real mean when those friends were over with your D's and your H's 'plans' were spoiled.
All this pet stuff still sounds like an excuse to me also - it always has.
If your H came home and rented out the other house then he could maybe afford to pay OW a good severance settlement. If she is such a good PA/ secretary then she should be able to get another job....even in hard times.
I also have little compassion for the OW - she knew exactly what she was doing - she knew your H was married. The way she has wormed her way into your H's family etc just makes me sick.
Your H is used to you backing off after you have had words with him. Please don't do that now. He will expect you to back down. I truly believe you will never get him back unless he honestly thinks you would go through with a D. He doesn't believe you have ever dropped the rope.....and that's because you haven't.
Yoyo, you deserve so much more. If your H is to be married to you he needs to learn to respect you. I don't believe that at the moment he does. He thinks this is the 'same old, same old'.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
