When I had the affair, I knew deep down it was wrong. If my H came to me and said he knew about it and to stop it, I would have. He wouldn't have needed to tell my family, friends, work, etc. I would have hated him for it. I'm not sure, but I may have even wanted to justify it even more with that many people knowing.
So, I guess that's my viewpoint. You never know until you are in that position. But, I would go with telling your spouse first, then bringing a couple people into it, then the church, then everyone. That seems the best route to me.
I WISH my wife had ended it. I gave her six or seven opportunities before I exposed, the last few even telling her she "needed to decide soon, because I can't continue living in an open marriage." And even when I DID expose, despite everyone's advice that you should do it SIMULTANEOUSLY, I did it sequentially, hoping she'd come to her senses after the first one or two. Sorta like the Japanese with Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
She is a strong, stubborn woman!
As for my kids, I decided to expose initially only to D-then-20 and D-then-18. S-then-14 came later, in a more age-appropriate manner, after he'd overheard my MIL and some other convos, and I was concerned about him.
