Expose the Affair?

[Hope4us]

Exposure is a very personal thing. I can only say what I did and the reasons why, although I agree with Puppy in everything he's said.

I did not expose to HURT my W. I exposed her A for a couple of reasons.

First, OM is a serial cheatin POS and my W was ready to throw away everything because he was telling her he was going to divorce his W so they could be together. I strongly suspected that was just B.S. I didn't expose to OMW for a couple months after I discovered the A and confronted W about it on a number of occasions. Once I talked to OMW, my thoughts were confirmed. He already had a new GF in addition to my W and was just using them both. And telling his W put a real damper in their "fantasy".

Even 3 months later, after OM had rejected W's attempts to get together mulitple times, my W was still ready to D me so she could be waiting for OM. And her continued lies and deceipt moved me to my next exposure.

The kids. I didn't want to tell them. I waited over 7 months after confirming the A before telling them. But my W was h*ll bent on divorcing me for this POS. So I made the decision to tell them for 3 reasons.

1) My W wanted us to say to the kids that we both agreed that this was for the best. There was no way in the world I was going to lie to my kids about the reason their parents were divorcing. When the truth came out, which it always does, then my kids would know that BOTH their parents were lying to them and that BOTH their parents deserted them. I wanted my kids to have at least one parent they could count on to not LIE to them.

2) If my W hooked up with OM after we D'd, there was NO WAY IN H*LL I was going to allow a serial cheatin, alcoholic, abusive POS in my kids lives without them knowing the truth about him. They're adults and can make their own decisions, but I wanted to make sure they made their decisions from an informed point of view.

3) If my telling our kids the truth ended our marriage, I could live with that, but many times, exposure takes the fantasy right out of the A. It's not so wonderful when your kids know what you're doing. And if my telling the kids gave our marriage a chance, it's a lot better than the divorce they were going to be put through.

Results? My kids both THANKED me for telling them the truth. My S16 already KNEW what was going on, but felt like he couldn't tell me because what if he was wrong? How do you think that made HIM feel? And S16's conversation with W that day was the final nail in the A coffin.

Has the kids being told added a layer to my W and I reconciling? Yes. But if they hadn't been told, we'd be D'd right now. And we're still together and I think we're moving in the right direction. So was it worth it? In my book, yes.

The only other comment I'll make is this. If committing ADULTERY is ok and so wonderful, like the A partners make them out to be, then why should they care if everyone knows about it? Because they KNOW it's wrong and once it's out in the open, it can be seen for what it is. WRONG. If our marriage was so terrible, then do the D and THEN move on. Don't have an A and then rewrite the martial history to justify it.

AFFAIRS destroy LIVES, yes, including the A partners. And if they have a problem living with the truth, so be it.