However, if I were the one having the affair, and I were exposed, and humiliated, I would never go back to the marriage.
With the greatest of respect sgctxok, unless you were in this position I don't think you really KNOW what you would do. One of the big things you see on these boards is people saying that they had always said if their S cheated they would be gone.....and yet when it happened they have arrived here wanting to save the M. Until it happens one never knows.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
SG, SG, SG . . . where to begin . . . there is SO much here that I disagree with.
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IT’S ALWAYS BETTER TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD The high road is about restoring the relationship to a loving one. Exposing the affair is not the high road.
That's your opinion. I happen to disagree. There is nothing "low road" about telling the truth, especially to a predator's spouse, who has the right to know so that he/she can make their own decisions.
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The highest road would involve requesting your partner to give up the other person, working to meet their needs they felt were lacking, making yourself more attractive to them, winning them over.
Wouldn't that be lover-ly. Except that the cheating partner is fogged out and full of deceit at this point, and you'd be making your request of someone who categorically does NOT have the marriage's best interests at heart in their current state!
Also, while they are wayward and actively involved in an affair, they are in no condition, physiologically, to allow you to meet their needs -- they will NOT notice your changes. Most counselors and experts on infidelity agree on this fact.
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ACT OF WAR Your spouse is very likely to perceive being ‘outed’ as an act of war. And now that everyone knows, so why not continue the affair, and by the way, let me tell you how bad MY spouse is, and why the new person is so much better.
I really don't care WHAT the cheating spouse perceives it as. I don't advocate making your decisions, strategies and tactics based on how the cheating, deceitful spouse is going to perceive them. That's enmeshment. WHATEVER you decide to do (and I respect people who have strong opinions on both sides of the "expose-or-not-expose" spectrum, including some like Sandi who are somewhere in the middle), I do NOT recommend that you do it from any other standpoint than WHAT DO YOU FEEL THE "RIGHT" THING TO DO IS IN THE SITUATION. Trying to factor in "Will my spouse be angry with me?" is a losing battle. Will an addict consider it an "Act of War" if you take their drugs or alcohol away from them?? Will a drunk consider it an "Act of War" if you do whatever is necessary to take their car keys away from them and prevent them from driving in their current condition??
You're damned right they will -- and I care not one whit.
Besides, most formerly-wayward spouses report that being exposed DID ruin their affair buzz, not strengthen it.
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MAKES YOU LOOK WEAKER Exposing the affair is actually a bold act, most likely coming from a place of strength…however, the person talking about it is often seen as whiny, weak…highlighting that they were ‘left’.
I'm really not sure where you're getting this opinion from. I've never seen a WAW or FWAW on the boards describe that they thought their exposing spouse was weak. I've seen them be LIVID, but never questioning whether their spouse was weak? Now, I do think that exposure should always come in conjunction with confrontation of the wayward spouse -- you both confront your spouse and you expose them to others -- and if you just expose without confronting, I can see how THAT would be perceived as weak. And I do see people on the boards who try to get the OM/OW's spouse to do their "dirty work" for them, instead of standing up to their cheating spouse on their own.
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ALIENATES SPOUSE The spouse being exposed is often alienated from a child, and sometimes alienated at their job, church, etc…they places they need to be connected to restore and heal in the relationship. This COULD work for the spouse doing the exposing, but could work against as well.
Yes, they are, and I say that's a GOOD thing. Didn't you just start a second thread bemoaning how overly "accepting" society is of adultery and infidelity??? Well, what's wrong with a little good-old-fashioned STIGMA applied to a cheating spouse who's destroying their family? True friends, and good family, should be ready to help not just exert pressure, but to help a repentant cheater back on the road to reconciliation, and so should their betrayed spouse.
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UNFAIR BURDEN TO THE PERSONS BEING TOLD Not everyone wants to know this news. Folks don’t really want to have to take sides. They will feel they are being asked to take sides, and many will. Oddly enough, it might not be YOUR side.
Oh please. Are you saying that another man/woman's spouse may not WANT to know the truth about what their wife/husband is doing? You have an OBLIGATION to tell them, an overwhelming majority WOULD want to know, and it's then up to them and their support system to decide what they want to do with that information.
Ignorance is bliss, eh?
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AFTER the LAST RESORT If you decide to do it, it should definitely be an AFTER THE LAST RESORT technique.
Experience shows that if you ARE going to expose, that it be done sooner rather than later, before the affair is deeply entrenched emotionally. If you want to try the LRT before you do that, I'm not necessarily opposed to that, but once an affair is 6 months or more entrenched, I would generally NOT advocate exposure anymore.
SG, I luv ya to death, you know that, but you are simply misguided on this, or at least you're coming at this from a TOTALLY different premise that I simply don't accept. To me (and a lot of others, judging from the response so far) you either see infidelity as an addiction or you don't. If you DO (and I do, and it's been proven medically -- the wayward spouse's brain actually looks different on a CAT scan!), then it follows that the first order of business is to separate the addict from the source of their addiction, but whatever means necessary. Pussyfooting around and letting them walk all over you and your boundaries is not only not effective, but it destroys the self-esteem and sometimes even the emotional health of the betrayed spouse.
Affairs are horribly destructive. They take their toll on the family's finances, on the wayward spouse's (and potentially the betrayed spouse's) physical health thru the spread of STDs, and -- saddest of all -- on BOTH family's children. I believe that we should try to shorten them by any reasonable means possible, all the while working to make ourselves the more attractive option, GALing, and taking extra good care of any involved children.
To do any less is a dereliction of marital and parental duty.
The highest road would involve requesting your partner to give up the other person, working to meet their needs they felt were lacking, making yourself more attractive to them, winning them over. There are scriptural examples… Hosea initially exposed Gomer and divorced her, God had him seek her out to get her to return to him….even better. Joseph wasn’t willing to expose Mary when she was pregnant and he thought it was by another man.
I would ask you to consider this:
Matthew 18:15-17 (New International Version)
A Brother Who Sins Against You
"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Ah, Pup--what if you do tell the church--and they promote him to a place of leadership in spite of knowing he's actively and willingly committing adultery and throwing his family under the bus?
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
.......but once an affair is 6 months or more entrenched, I would generally NOT advocate exposure anymore.
Puppy, I agree with much of what you have said, however I disagree with this. Each sitch is different, and often after the first few heady months the shine wears off the A and then that can sometimes be a good time to expose. Often the OP at the point is starting to pressure the WAS to make something more permanent and the WAS is just begining to see exactly what an awful mess they have gotten themselves into.
In my sitch, as you may well remember, my H's A had been going on for 18 months, and I found exposure to be the right way for me.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Ah, Pup--what if you do tell the church--and they promote him to a place of leadership in spite of knowing he's actively and willingly committing adultery and throwing his family under the bus?
Well doesn't that tell you something about your church's values?
Change church.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. _________________________
I agree with that. Keep it between just the two of you. If he doesn't listen, bring a couple other people over and all talk about it. Then,bring the church into it. If all else fails, then out it all the way.
From what I gather, many people "go all the way" right away, in a fit of rage, not for the good of the family or to try to save their marriage. Sometimes, it seems vindictive instead.
I know, in my situation, if I was dealing with others knowing right now, .......I don't know if I'm strong enough of a person. I'd like to think I was..maybe I am. I don't know. Reputation is everything. It's your everyday life. The few people that do know, haunt my thoughts. Yes, I have repented and I have learned from my mistakes and have gone forth to not sin again, but when other people know it is more than working through your emotions and faults. People never look at you the same again. If your kids know, they never see you the same. I know you can bring positives in it, and some kids are really good at learning from the whole experience, but I just hate the thought of them having to deal with this stuff. Kids have so many other things in their little lives to worry about. I'm, of course, home with a very young child so maybe if he was older I would think differently. I don't know.
When I had the affair, I knew deep down it was wrong. If my H came to me and said he knew about it and to stop it, I would have. He wouldn't have needed to tell my family, friends, work, etc. I would have hated him for it. I'm not sure, but I may have even wanted to justify it even more with that many people knowing.
So, I guess that's my viewpoint. You never know until you are in that position. But, I would go with telling your spouse first, then bringing a couple people into it, then the church, then everyone. That seems the best route to me.
Luckily, I knew it was wrong, prayed hard, and was able to tell my H on my own, and practically do my own DBing on myself. If your spouse can come to this realization on their own, that's better than any exposure. Believe me, the pain of guilt/remorse/flashbacks are all enough to kill the fantasy each and every time now.
Ah, Pup--what if you do tell the church--and they promote him to a place of leadership in spite of knowing he's actively and willingly committing adultery and throwing his family under the bus?
.......but once an affair is 6 months or more entrenched, I would generally NOT advocate exposure anymore.
Puppy, I agree with much of what you have said, however I disagree with this. Each sitch is different, and often after the first few heady months the shine wears off the A and then that can sometimes be a good time to expose. Often the OP at the point is starting to pressure the WAS to make something more permanent and the WAS is just begining to see exactly what an awful mess they have gotten themselves into.
In my sitch, as you may well remember, my H's A had been going on for 18 months, and I found exposure to be the right way for me.
Exposure is a very personal thing. I can only say what I did and the reasons why, although I agree with Puppy in everything he's said.
I did not expose to HURT my W. I exposed her A for a couple of reasons.
First, OM is a serial cheatin POS and my W was ready to throw away everything because he was telling her he was going to divorce his W so they could be together. I strongly suspected that was just B.S. I didn't expose to OMW for a couple months after I discovered the A and confronted W about it on a number of occasions. Once I talked to OMW, my thoughts were confirmed. He already had a new GF in addition to my W and was just using them both. And telling his W put a real damper in their "fantasy".
Even 3 months later, after OM had rejected W's attempts to get together mulitple times, my W was still ready to D me so she could be waiting for OM. And her continued lies and deceipt moved me to my next exposure.
The kids. I didn't want to tell them. I waited over 7 months after confirming the A before telling them. But my W was h*ll bent on divorcing me for this POS. So I made the decision to tell them for 3 reasons.
1) My W wanted us to say to the kids that we both agreed that this was for the best. There was no way in the world I was going to lie to my kids about the reason their parents were divorcing. When the truth came out, which it always does, then my kids would know that BOTH their parents were lying to them and that BOTH their parents deserted them. I wanted my kids to have at least one parent they could count on to not LIE to them.
2) If my W hooked up with OM after we D'd, there was NO WAY IN H*LL I was going to allow a serial cheatin, alcoholic, abusive POS in my kids lives without them knowing the truth about him. They're adults and can make their own decisions, but I wanted to make sure they made their decisions from an informed point of view.
3) If my telling our kids the truth ended our marriage, I could live with that, but many times, exposure takes the fantasy right out of the A. It's not so wonderful when your kids know what you're doing. And if my telling the kids gave our marriage a chance, it's a lot better than the divorce they were going to be put through.
Results? My kids both THANKED me for telling them the truth. My S16 already KNEW what was going on, but felt like he couldn't tell me because what if he was wrong? How do you think that made HIM feel? And S16's conversation with W that day was the final nail in the A coffin.
Has the kids being told added a layer to my W and I reconciling? Yes. But if they hadn't been told, we'd be D'd right now. And we're still together and I think we're moving in the right direction. So was it worth it? In my book, yes.
The only other comment I'll make is this. If committing ADULTERY is ok and so wonderful, like the A partners make them out to be, then why should they care if everyone knows about it? Because they KNOW it's wrong and once it's out in the open, it can be seen for what it is. WRONG. If our marriage was so terrible, then do the D and THEN move on. Don't have an A and then rewrite the martial history to justify it.
AFFAIRS destroy LIVES, yes, including the A partners. And if they have a problem living with the truth, so be it.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
