You are absolutely positively doing the right things. You are feeling your feelings and being honest with yourself about them. Just keep doing that and you will be fine.
As for your friend, if she is truly your friend, she should be that first and foremost and she should respect and appreciate your honesty with her, about every feeling you share with her. You are experiencing profound pain and she should want to support you as you feel all of your feelings.
Well... We didn't end up talking last night...I called...left a message...she texted me an hour later saying that the phone had woken the baby - and that she fell asleep trying to get him back to sleep. Whether or believe her or not doesn't matter...But was I was pleased that it just didn't bother me that she didn't answer...I simply ended up sending her an email saying sorry we didn't get a chance to talk...and left it at that.
I'm going to sign the lease for my new apartment tomorrow - and right now I feel good about that. I drove by the neighborhood tonight - and, my goodness, it is just so peaceful and quiet over there. The apartment is near the base of the mountain in east Pasadena, so there's just not much reason for people to driver around out there - and so the streets are very empty and quiet...and just look like they would be great to bike ride around with my boys.
I also had an easy time imagining walking over to the park with my boys. The playground seems to have a bit of everything - so plenty of entertainment for both boys - and I'll get to hang out there and play with them like the silly dad I can be when I'm with them...sometimes I forget that I'm almost 40...
My mother is coming to town next week - on Tuesday - and will be here about two weeks. She's a lovely woman in many ways - but I do know that she can be a bit taxing at times...so I'm going to do my best to stay calm and appreciative while she's here - I'm mostly just glad that she'll get to spend so much time with my boys - especially S2 since she's not seen him in a long time.
As for B...well...what can I say? She's opted to let her past destroy our family - and that's her choice to live with now. I have a lot of pain because of it - and far more sadness than I ever thought I could have endured...but I know that I'll get through this okay. I just know it...I felt it tonight as I spent time out of this house...as I think this house has become something of a tomb for my spirit...and I look forward to getting out of it and feeling my spirit lift again.
Just some thoughts before going to bed.... -Carlos.
You are sounding strong and clear in your thoughts. It is good that you were not emotionally impacted by B's decision not to talk to you.
I think it is interesting that you describe your current house a tomb for your spirit. It is, indeed, very difficult to move forward in a place where we once had very different hopes and dreams. When one has done all the processing and feeling you have done, it is clear you are not running away. Rather, you have done the work you can do and now, for your own health and well-being, you need to move into a new space for yourself - both physically and, perhaps, emotionally. A new apartment will certainly help. It is great that you are excited about the neighborhood for your boys, I know that is so important to you from all you have told us here.
Hey Carlos I hate to see that you didn't have the talk with B... I know what you mean. I had that talk with W. It helped me to move forward. I guess it is somewhat against the DB principal but it gives me some closure. I hope you will have a chance soon, if not I know you will be just fine also. I agree with V. You are NOT running away. You are making the best decision that you can and walking away with grace and dignity.
Moving to new place will be great fresh start...I am excited for you.
Keep on rolling, my friend.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Hi Veronica and NW, I am doing all that I can to stay positive and keep myself afloat...I went by the apartment this morning and dropped off my check and got the key...It's such a big switch - the place is so very small compared to where we've lived - but it should be just fine for the times when I am home by myself...Having the park so close by will be wonderful over the summer - and on weekends when the boys just need to run around - we'll just never have to sit around and think about what to do...since we'll always be able to do something over there - from playing soccer to flying a kite or just having them run around on the playground.
So...those thoughts are helping me through a tough morning of emotions - while I was excited about moving on - it also saddened me to think about doing it - and to realize that just last year, at about this time, B and I were so very excited about moving into the house I am now leaving...I'm doing so many of the same things again - from arranging for the rental truck, calling up the utility companies - all the stuff involved in transferring my life from one home to another.
So far the small nibbles I had gotten in terms of work haven't come to much yet - it seems that the poor market is slowing everything down - but I am staying optimistic and continuing to believe that I will come through this okay. I know that I'll be fine through next month - and that I'll soon have a lot more time to dedicate to finding more work and to doing some of the other kind of spec writing required for TV and film...my writing partner and I are supposed to get a meeting with the Disney Channel next week...so...on top of everything else I've got going on, I'm trying to come up with some story ideas that we could pitch to them...and should any of those ideas resonate...we'll then have to dive in and put together a quick sample of what we were talking about...don't know if this is common knowledge - but this business is very, very strange...nothing can happen for weeks and months, and then all of a sudden things can move with the energy of a crisis...it's all very artificial...but it seems like it's a business that feeds off its own drama...
I found a cafe to work in today...at least for a while...and it's helping my mood a lot...I just knew that if I was here I wouldn't just sit around and cry all morning...(which kind of felt like what I might do if I wasn't careful...but it didn't feel like the tears of processing - it felt like they would have been more like the tears of self-pity...and I just don't have time for that kind of nonsense right now...I have so little to pity about myself...sure, I have things to be sad about - lots to be sad about, in fact - but I have nothing to pity about myself or my life...and so I won't allow myself to sink into that space again...it's happened too many times already over the last few months - and self-pity does nothing for one's sense of catharsis or self-worth - it is a poison that empowers the fears in ourselves and allows those fears to convince us of a negative reality that contradicts all the evidence of love and joy and hope in our lives...at least that's how it affects me...). Hm...long parenthetical...should have just made it a paragraph.
So...in the text B sent me last night about missing the call, she mentioned calling me today when she might "have a minute". We shall see...
BTW - as a total aside - anyone out there know anyone looking for a writer? Only partially joking...
Okay... So I'm getting ready to move next week and I'm finding myself feeling a lot of different emotions that seem like they might have just been waiting there for me to find them. I've had a couple devastatingly sad days in a row - and am waking with this terrible pressure in my chest again...I know it has a lot to do with the many changes going on in my life - move, job, marriage, packing, unpacking, etc - but there's also something else to it that is really catching me by surprise - namely, that I still love B very much. I am not "in love" with her - but I am feeling a lot of sadness over the loss of her - and the symbolic meaning of my moving out of this house.
I hadn't missed her since she moved out - though there was sadness and pain - I didn't actually ever find myself missing her...these last couple days, however, this feeling of missing her has crept into me - and has caught me utterly by surprise...and I'm trying my best to understand it and process it.
I know that part of it is still the fear of losing my marriage -of this really being so final - and also the buried idea in my head that she couldn't possibly want to be the person she has allowed herself to become...the person she is now being...but that is not up to me - and so I have to set that thought aside. I know that there is nothing I can say or do to change her - and I'm very open and willing to lose her and move on with my life. I even know that I'll be fine no matter what happens - and that I will be okay in the end...I can just look back on my life and see evidence of that over and over...no matter how bad things have been, I've come out okay...and so...I'm just trying to make sense of why I have these sudden feelings of missing her...perhaps it's just that moving out really makes the death or relationship all that more real?
And I have to measure those feeling of missing her against the memories of how she was toward me and my S11...the person she was is not someone I could be with - and not someone I want around my S11...and yet my mind has this capacity to remember so many of the good things about her - the laughter, the playfulness, the compassion...and perhaps there is a part of me that wonders still if she does have the capacity to overcome her past - or the issues that have brought her to where she is - or if she's just going to stay this way (as her father chose to do). Perhaps she can't change...something she accused me of over and over - and right now, while I'm trying not to spend or waste any of my energy thinking about what needs to change in her - I can't help but think that...
Wait...something just occurred to me...this isn't about her at all...this is about me...and the change I am going through and what it means to me. I am about to go through a profound, painful change in my life - and my thoughts about her have nothing to do with what I have to do. My work is not done - clearly - since I have already started to falter a bit here in forgetting that I am in charge of my life and my happiness - not her - not anyone...Only I can complete me...and that's what I'm processing now...the parts of me that I gave over to her - that allowed my happiness to depend too much on her - and the FEAR that when I move from this home, when I accept this R/M as over, that those memories of happiness will take with them my happiness...but that is a false fear...since my happiness is not attached to my memories...rather, my happiness is in me and dependent on my willingness to accept my life and take action based on what has been presented to me as my journey.
I get it...I think...yes...I do love B...and that's okay...since the woman I fell in love with, the woman I married is still in her somewhere - but loving B does not in any way mean that I should allow myself to be stuck where B is stuck - nor that I should stop working on being whole by myself...I have a lot of change ahead of me - and it causes me some anxiety - but I have got to step up and face it head-on - and insist on seeing it for what it truly is - not for what my fears would have me believe it is...change is an opportunity for growth - and even the destruction of so much - as is happening now - is not about destruction - it's not about living in the rubble - it's about clearing away the rubble and building something better...I've been forgetting that...and I have to stop doing that now...I have to remember that this pain and sadness that I am feeling is normal - and healthy - and its part of how I am clearing away the stuff that has crumbled in my heart...since there was a lot of a shared life built on that shaky foundation.
Okay...My head is feeling clearer...it really is true that sometimes I just don't know what I'm thinking until I write it down...
another thought that hit me today...and part of the reason I've been going through what I've been feeling...
When I let go, I let go of the woman that harmed me...I still hadn't let go of the woman that loved me - and with whom I was in love...
Letting go leaves room to see more of oneself - to be calm - to face fears - and to figure out what one really has to do next - not in terms of the lost spouse - but in terms of oneself...so I guess I'm just hitting another stage of letting go - a kind of latent stage that I didn't have to come to until I was ready...I suppose I'm ready now...and so the sadness comes...and so I feel it, heal, and grow. The process doesn't change...just what it is that I'm processing.
I just e-mailed you, so let me know when you get it, ok?
You've posted a few things that have stood out to me:
Quote:
She's opted to let her past destroy our family - and that's her choice to live with now. I have a lot of pain because of it - and far more sadness than I ever thought I could have endured...but I know that I'll get through this okay. I just know it...I felt it tonight as I spent time out of this house...as I think this house has become something of a tomb for my spirit...and I look forward to getting out of it and feeling my spirit lift again.
Kindred spirits, you and I
Moving out of my house - or the tomb of my spirit, as you put it - has been very theraputic for me. I feel you'll find the same relief.
Also, understanding choices is a good thing. She made her choice and although it does wreak havoc on your heart, you can only try to heal and not blame. Sadness is overwhelming at times, but the feelings lead us closer and closer to finding our true self.
Quote:
this isn't about her at all...this is about me...and the change I am going through and what it means to me. I am about to go through a profound, painful change in my life - and my thoughts about her have nothing to do with what I have to do. My work is not done - clearly - since I have already started to falter a bit here in forgetting that I am in charge of my life and my happiness - not her - not anyone...Only I can complete me...and that's what I'm processing now...the parts of me that I gave over to her - that allowed my happiness to depend too much on her - and the FEAR that when I move from this home, when I accept this R/M as over, that those memories of happiness will take with them my happiness...but that is a false fear...since my happiness is not attached to my memories...rather, my happiness is in me and dependent on my willingness to accept my life and take action based on what has been presented to me as my journey.
I can't add much except to say, you've got it. Great catch! Isn't it freeing when we discover these little "secrets?"
I'm a firm believer in loving people forever, so I think you are completely justified in loving her for the rest of your life. There is a difference in "loving" and "being in love" and as you heal and grow, you'll leave the "in love" stage and be ok with doing it.
Carlos, I would love to see an 11th hour turnaround from your W and I pray that all of my DB friends get another shot w/the ones they love. That said, if it doesn't occur, I have no doubt in you and how you will end up.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I think you have made an incredible discovery. It has given me a whole new perspective on what I am struggling with in letting go of Z.
