Aching Man, Chapter One

[VAnot4lovers]

AM --

I wish I could say I was surprised, but I'm not. Depression kills libido probably faster than just about anything else. But like Corrie said, now you've at least identified the enemy. Probably one the best things you can do now is to have a conversation with her doctor. She may have checked out "fine" last year, but doctors may only check on what they're asked to check, and the "obvious" things to always be worried about. I suspect that if the Dr. knows that there is major depression going on, there are other tests s/he will want done. One test you really should have her doctor run the next time she's in is a thyroid function. Often people can be on the low side of "normal" for the population as a whole, but that level for them is really insufficient. There's a book title on that one, and I'll try to find it for you.

I'm sorry that your wife won't even consider medication - it's not the answer for everyone, but it certainly can help. If nothing else, it can be taken for an initial period of time until the talk therapy or other methods can start working. In fact, that's what we're doing with our one son right now.

If it will help -- you can judge -- I'd recommend that you check out an article that Consumer Reports did a few years ago on psychotherapy. I raise this because your wife might consider them to be more objective. I just checked my index, and the article was in the November 1995 issue, with a short follow-up in the December 95 issue. There were a number of caveats, but unless my memory fails me, they found positive results, and indicated a number of ways to increase your odds of a successful outcome. Just remember, eight years is a long time in terms of research findings for these conditions today. But check it out, and if you think it might help, refer her to it.

Also, I know my wife has a number of books on the subject; I'll try to find you some titles, although I might take a little while. As far as your wife wanting the situation to resolve itself with no outside intervention (medical, mental health, medication, nutrition, etc.), that's highly unlikely. There is a real, physiological/psychological process going on here, and it probably won't go away on its own. Add to that the fact that she probably even can't imagine it being gone at this point -- my wife couldn't -- and you may need to be a little more insistent than you would normally be. Work with a professional, but don't let her put this off indefinitely.

Again, of course, remember that if your wife "relents" and tries medication, most also dampen libido. As I think I posted earlier, our mutual hope (certainly mine more than hers) when my wife went on Prozac was that lifting the depression would balance out the medication side effect; no such luck. But she is happier the rest of the time, so it's still an overall benefit to the relationship and the family.

Good luck; I wish you the best. Like you, even when I'm hurting I can't really conceive of leaving my wife; I love her too much. Keep praying and hanging on!