I told her I am moving to another city in 2 months because work is better there. She has 2 months to make a commitment to save the marriage or not.
In the mean time I want to choose the best course of action to win her over.
I am being very calm, though I want to do very drastic things. I told her what she does in this time is her business and I won't ask however it is clear what I will be hurt by.
I can not force her to end the EA part of this so I must do something else to help.
You say I have given approval to her to continue the EA?
She gave me no choice. She told me that that friendship is important to her. I can't make those decisions for her. I am hoping that she takes it upon herself to end the Emotional Affair when she realizes that it is unhealthy to continue. She is not committed to saving our marriage right now so it is not the right time for me to corner her, don't you think?
I am re-reading the infidelity chapter in Divorce Remedy.
I guess I am at the point now where I am dealing with a spouse having an affair. Though she has cut off the romantic part of the affair, she is still emotionally attached and is trying to be "just friends". I don't think she knows how impossible that is, so I am trying to just live my life without freaking out on her. I think I need to show I can live without her or making demands for her emotional attention before she can commit to doing her part.
When she does commit, she will realize that her friendship with the OM is destructive to all 3 of us and she will let go of him.
Until then, I am looking for suggestions to speed up her realization process.
Should I ignore the anniversary?
PS
I can't seem to find a Therapist in Massachusetts that is dedicated to marriages!
I think you need to make it clear, in plain words, that you are not willing to be a part of a 3-way relationship (Her, You, Him). Tell her what YOU can live with and what YOU cannot live with. If she values YOUR friendship and YOUR support then she will need to make a choice. You are right, she needs to make it, but she never will never end this affair (EA/PA/Whatever) while you continue to offer tacit support for it with your silence.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
I guess I am at the point now where I am dealing with a spouse having an affair. Though she has cut off the romantic part of the affair, she is still emotionally attached and is trying to be "just friends". I don't think she knows how impossible that is, so I am trying to just live my life without freaking out on her. I think I need to show I can live without her or making demands for her emotional attention before she can commit to doing her part.
When she does commit, she will realize that her friendship with the OM is destructive to all 3 of us and she will let go of him.
Here's the flaw in that logic, Bariga:
Reverse it. Because until she lets go of im, she will never realize that her relationship with him is destructive, and she will never commit to doing her part.
People caught up in affairs get addicted. Just Google "PEA" and "brain chemicals" and "love" and do some research it. The pull is INCREDIBLY strong; remember the otherwise-intelligent and levelheaded female astronaut who drove across country wearing an adult diaper, rather than take rest stop breaks, to avenge her lover in Florida??? The addiction clouds their judgment (altho it doesn't excuse it), and it blocks off their ability to receive your love deposits and to allow for you to meet any of their emotional needs.
I'm not saying you can control her -- YOU CAN'T. But there's a big difference between not controlling them, and saying "what you do is your business, and I won't ask." That smells to me like PERMISSION, and enabling, and I bet it does to her, too, especially considering your past history together.
So no, you don't corner her. But you let her know where YOUR corners (boundaries) are, and you let her know that there are consequences if she crosses them.
I don't know that she cares much right now about consequences.
Has anyone ever confronted the OM in a matter of fact and civilized way?
NOT recommended. Confronting the OM only makes you look weak, elevates him in importance beyond what you want (think the President of the United States, agreeing to a face-to-face with some rogue terrorist leader), and it's often difficult to keep your emotions in check. I think you have to ask yourself (as I see this often) if you're doing it in lieu of confront who you SHOULD be confronting, and that is your WIFE.
Finally, the mistake that gets made is that you assume that the OM is an honorable man. He is not -- HE IS A PREDATOR. He is fooling around with a married woman, and he is NOT to be trusted. And that leads me to the final problem I have with the approach is that betrayed spouses tend to use the info they gain from the OM/OW and find truth and comfort in their assurances, and these people are liars who do NOT have your marriage's best interests at heart!!!
I don't know that she cares much right now about consequences.
Doesn't matter. You lay out the boundaries for YOU, not for HER. You communicate the consequences (or even just that there WILL be some) in order to be fair (so they can't tell you later "I had no idea you were so upset about this!").
Bariga, you tend to shoot down any sort of suggestion that you confront your wife, lay down boundaries, enforce boundaries, or in any way stand up to her. Why are you afraid of her???
I have gone the confontaton route and it pushed her away. It pushed me out of the house and her into the arms of her ex-BF
YOU chose to leave the house, and you shouldn't have. If she wanted out of the marriage, or wanted more space, SHE should have left. You should have stood your ground from the get-go. Reading your first post, you said she had her affair AFTER you moved out; how exactly is it that you "pushed her into the arms of OM"??? If anything, I see her pushing YOU OUT, and then RUNNING to her boyfriend.
Just my opinion. If you feel it's working well for you the way you're doing it, by all means you should keep on doing it. You know your own situation the best. But I see you struggling and asking for advice, and then you tend to shoot it all done, esp. whenever it involves taking any firm stances.
