Well, we had a serious talk today. It almost snapped my wife in two, she is on the verge of splitting and is freaking out. The pressure for her is much more overwhelming most of the time than it is for me most of the time. She keeps asking why I am staying with her, why do I love her?
I have been rather demanding, selfish and blind, looking for reasons why our sex life sucks, when I should have been looking deeper.
It just clicked: instead of trying to fix her low libido I should have realized my wife has been hiding a severe depression that has blanketed many years for her, with ups and downs. I couldn't understand because when I'm down I need affection and sex gives me a big lift. It's not that way for her at all, in fact, quite the opposite.
Who knows how many things are contributing to the cause list of this dark hole that she lives in, but I suspect there are many things, some very deeply ingrained.
She hates life, the only thing keeping her going is our son, the only thing that really matters to her. While it makes me sad to know that I'm not that important for her, what is really tearing me up is to know she is suffering to this degree. As something of an "enlightened" naturalist, she refuses to consider medication to feel better but is considering talking with a therapist. The key is that if she doesn't feel an understanding with that person she will reject everything they say.
I realize now that she is simply very very sick and all I can do is back off until she is ready, be supportive and patient. Very bleak outlook for getting any of my needs met. She told me to give her time but of course couldn't tell me how long to wait in silence.
I'm glad to finally know but deeply saddened by the reason. How can you reason with someone that is in such a state that their thinking is totally warped and clouded by negative emotions?
