True Love or True Fog? Part II - The Fertile Void

[Silver Fox]

Thanks Tawyna, Hope, and MIP,

I feel a little stronger today. Preparing an email for my L asking some questions about what exactly goes on in mediation and when to throw the adultery charge on the table if I decide to do that. On the phone yesterday he suggested making a mediation appointment during my spring break so I don't have to take a day off of work, but I'm thinking - I don't think so. This is hard enough as it is, I will not let H ruin my spring break too! So I'll ask for mid May. Curious to see how H will respond to waiting even longer. When I was served last July I'm sure he had no idea that it would drag out this long and I'm even more sure the Catbitch thought he would be a free man by October.

[Tawnya]

LOLOL at you {{{Silver}}} my friend You SOUND stronger and I knew you would bounce quickly..you are AWESOME

Good for you setting the pace of things for a change!

Tawnya

[pearlharbr]

(((SF)))

Just catching up with everyone. Grr to your latest developments.

First and foremost you need to protect yourself financially. I'm not sure about who's paying for all your household stuff since he left but for d@mn sure he should be at least splitting it with you! And running up his credit cards and paying them from a joint account?? That cr@p has to stop immediately.

I'm mildly worried about xBF spending a lot of money on OW before I get my settlement but right now am counting on his frugality and not getting a bonus this year to curb that. But after talking to my friend who is xBF's coworker today, I realized that I need to get my money sitch under control now before anything could happen with his job and a large chunk of my financial future.

There's a difference between taking a spouse to the cleaners out of spite and fighting for what you're entitled to for being in the M. I think you're in the latter category and as long as you can honestly tell yourself that then you should stand up for what's yours. My thinking is this: if you (xBF) want out, fine, but I will demand to have my half of the future I thought we were going to have and I will not settle for less.

[Silver Fox]

Good to hear from you Pearl. Thanks for your support and encouragement. You too Tawyna.

The latest:
H left a handwritten note on the kitchen counter today while I was at work. I typed it out to send to my L and to copy paste here.

Thank you for taking care of the taxes and for all the other financial responsibilities you have continued to carry. I'm sorry I haven't been able to find a way to communicate how I can take on more of those duties.

I met with my attorney a few weeks ago and was finally presented with your filing. I explained that you wanted to work through our lawyers from this point forward. He was supposed to contact your attorney about scheduling a settlement conference in which we would make the formal offer you have asked for. I hope we can make that happen.

In the meantime, I am going to ask one more time if you and I can have our own conversation about possible plans for the house, etc. I know I have no right to ask you for anything but I keep hoping that you will forgive me enough to prevent this process from hurting both of us even more. Can you find it in your heart to do that?

Perhaps we could go together to a CPA who could give us a detailed accounting of where we stand and whether there is any way I can avoid bankruptcy. I have so much I am having to deal with right now, including finding a job. I'm not complaining but I am asking for whatever help you can give me.

At first glance, especially for those of you who aren't familiar with my sitch, he sounds calm, cool and oh so caring and seems to imply that we BOTH got into this mess together. Thanks to DB and this board I can see right through him now and this sad letter.

Later tonight after I hopefully hear from others' take on this I'll spend some time analyzing a few things. He's made some alarming statements, most notably, the bankruptcy comment.

I'd also like some suggestions as to how to answer this.

Thanks in advance.

[Tawnya]

{{{Silver}}} hmm..wow..so I take it you either didn't know about the bankruptcy or were alarmed that he said he wanted your help to avoid it..

Interesting that it sort of did, on 2nd reading, sound more of a "poor me" kind of letter..like "can you find it in your heart and I know I shouldn't ask you anything"..on first glance it does sound nice, but I guess the sincerity is hard to tell and especially in a letter..

So do you think you would/want to meet with him..or would you be better to keep going thru the lawyers?? I think you could accomplish the same thing either way..just what is best for YOU is the question..

Of course you "both" got into this together in his "world" or else he'd have to take the blame and sometimes we are just not ready to do this..

{{{Silver}}}} you doing okay with this?!

Tawnya

[Silver Fox]

Hi Tawyna,

Yes, in a weird way I'm ok with this. As I said, thanks to this board, I've been expecting this. Is this the beginning of his hitting rock bottom? I almost hope so.

Not sure how to answer it yet. That's the beauty of going dark. This time last year a note like this from him would have sent me into a tail spin - "OMG he hasn't changed his mind! He's still leaving me! What am I going to do!"

Now I'm like "Ok, gee, well let's see, hmmm, I'll sleep on it, copy it to my L, figure something out. Poor H - I hate it for him".

[kassie]

Hi S,

Will catch up once you link. I had a strong dream last week where I struggling a lot and kept screaming, "I didn't do anything wrong I don't understand why this is happening to me!"

I think dreams just discharge our feelings. Your H is M to you and with someone else. My H has been one nightmare after another with his problems. It just a release.

You sound very frustrated and somewhat who thinks like me - for instance, my H takes his ring off when angry and I refuse to talk to him about our R with it off. It is all about setting limits which you certainly have done. It works. One way or the other, it has an impact.

[Tawnya]

{{{Silver}}} sounds like you are in a great spot then my friend

Hugs to you!!!

Tawnya

[Silver Fox]

Thanks Kassie,

I haven't figured out how to link threads - that's why my first one isn't here!

I had a dream that I wrote about on 2/14. Interesting.

I'll try to catch up with your story. I've read a little bit about you on the DA Club, which I just joined.

Yes, I'm sure my limits have had an impact on H - just not sure what yet.

Thanks again.

[pearlharbr]

Hi Silver,

Well, upon reading that note my reaction was that he was totally trying to play on your sympathies with that "woe is me" crap. My response these days to anything like this is "you choose the actions, you choose the consequences." The only reason you should be concerned is if his filing for bankruptcy will negatively affect you. He has been financially irresponsible and now wants you to help him? Whatever! Definitely wait to see what your L says before making any decisions.