A Cry for Help & Don't know where to go

[SRTTF]

Thank you everyone. **son** thanks for the reminder. I completely forgot about the legal seperation. I do have free legal advise so I will call my L in the morning and ask her about it. Maybe that way I can get temp support. He never adopted my D so I can't get child support. I am also going to the county in the morning to apply for anything that I can.

I talked to SD and ex-wife yesterday. SD doesn't feel comfortable coming to see us b/c she doesn't want to feel like she has to pick sides. I told her and her mom that I completly understand and that we will just stick with email and phone until she is ok with more. I guess H only calls her once every few weeks and they went to a movie a few weeks ago. Pretty sad he has been there for 3 months and has only seen her 2 times for a total of 3 hours.

What should I do about filing taxes? I haven't contacted (emailed or text) in 2 weeks and I really want him to wonder WTH but I kinda need to know if we file married/joint or just do our own and not get as much back by filing married/single.

What do ya'll think?

(((to you all))))

it is so nice to come here and talk!!!!

[SRTTF]

Last night was the Bud shootout for NASCAR. Another thing my H and I have always been into too. We have our office NASCAR'd to the hilt. I broke down at the start of the race. I sent a TM to him and said "let's go racin boys"; just to show that the race was on. Now I so badly want to TM and just say "I miss you and love you” I know I wouldn't get a response back. I have asked my dad to move in for a few months until I can get on my feet. He is coming over tomorrow so we can talk about it.

***Polly*****

Regarding what I miss about my H. Let me do this list again. Yes those where the things I miss but not the person my H is or should I say was. The things that I miss about the H that I love and married are:

The biggest heart of anyone I have ever met.
Cared about everyone
Always smiling and laughing
I didn't have to be someone I'm not. He accepted me just the way I am
How much he loved his daughter and how he accepted mine as though she was his
He was very smart
A wonderful cook
Love and devotion to family and friends
He wasn't afraid to let his guard down; we would talk and cry together
His commitment to his job
His joy and satisfaction in helping other people (on the fire dept)

These are some of the things that made up the H that I thought I knew. I still believe that it really was him up until the alcohol took over. I just am really getting to feel that he is never going to come back. I haven't talked to him in so long and he isn't showing any sign in caring one bit about not hearing from me. I feel like it is a relief to him that I am not TM or emailing him. D has stopped emailing too and that doesn't seem to bother him either.

Could someone please explain this to me......

[Mellenmack]

((((Stacy))))

Sweetie, I don't know what to tell you. It's not the old him talking or thinking, it's the alcohol. I'm sorry. It's no fun. Have you ever gone to Al-Anon? Breakaway told me to go, but I never did. I should, but it's on Tuesday nights here, and it's just plain inconvenient. Don't ask when convenient is. It's not any more or less convenient on Tuesday nights than it would be any other night. It's just me.

Melissa

[K4D]

(((Stacy)))

I think about all the great things my W was to. And I know she still has it in her. But she just isn't letting it come out right now. Something else has taken over. For her its not alcohol though. Its vanity, materalism, etc.

Everyone has their thing. For your H it is alcohol. And Alcohol really does change your perspective on things. I know from my own past experiance. It makes you someone different that you are not. It made me someone that I really wasn't. I am able to see that clearly now.

Keep hanging in there. Hopefully your dad can help you out. Nothing wrong with that in times like these. I'm doing the same by staying with mine while I study to get a better job.

Try and enjoy the nascar without him and maybe watch it with someone else. Won't be easy. I know. I hardly watched my Dallas Cowboys this year because all I could think about was my W and when we would watch them together.

Is that codependent no more book giving you solutions to help you break away from it?

Kevin

[sonshyn]

{{Stacy}}

How are you doing? I haven't checked in on you in a few days. Did you get a chance to speak with your L?

I know it is so hard to look at your H and not understand what is going on. Keep up the PMA, and don't hesitate to ask for help. Sometimes we just gotta do what we just gotta do.

I'll be thinking and praying about you.
K

[SRTTF]

Guess I need to journal more to keep this in the front. I've been on here but posting to alot of other people. LOL Like I should be giving advise to anyone.....

Money is getting worse. Waiting to hear from the county for help. Daughter is going to C now and doesn't like it. Still nothing from H. Today is V-Day. I have always hated that day because I never felt that I would ever find true love. That was until 6 yrs ago today. My H proposed to me and changed my life forever. I thought there really was true love and I was going to finally have it. Well we all know that was a crock....

When I wake up and before D and I go to the arena for cattle sorting I plan on texting H to say Happy V Day, I miss you and I love you. I know I shouldn't but I really feel in my heart I need to. I can't tell you how much pain I have knowing that he hasn't tried to contact us at all. It just kills me. The pain is so deep I just can't put it into words.

I will put a smile on my face then after the sorting come home and watch NASCAR and try to stay busy and not think about what H is doing. Sometimes I think it is a blessing that he is not in the same town and other times I truely wish he was.

I have asked God to take this pain and heart ache away for both of us and for him to heal all of us. I asked him to please take this and guide us on the path that he has chosen for us. I have asked that he watch over my H and help him realize that he is a good man and that he needs him back in his life. I asked him to let go of the grip satan has on my H.

I wish I could have some sort of a sign. You know like maybe he could just slap me up side the head and say Hey, I've been here and I know what I am doing, this is for both of you and just be patient, things will be better.

Ok now I must me dreaming

Happy V Day to all of you with lots of Love from a friend....

[SRTTF]

I am having a hard day. I want to txt H and tell him how much I miss him. I want to txt OW and reminder her that I will not give up. It honestly drives me nuts that I have absolutely no idea what he is doing? How he is doing? Does he think about us at all? I was going to call our old pastor tonight but time got away. I am waiting for a day off during the week so I can go to the county and get help.

How can he just walk away like this and not show one ounce of anything. I ran into one of the guys from the fire dept today and he said how sorry he was to hear that H hasn't contacted us yet. He also said that he used to love seeing us together because we always looked like we truely enjoyed eachother and we looked so much in love.

Thing is that is what it really was like. When will it sink in to him? I hurt every night when I go to bed not having him by my side. During the day I guess I do ok. I try to laugh and I always try to play and have fun with D. It is just so hard.

I WANT HIM BACK..... I HONESTLY DO NOT FEEL WHOLE WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE.

[Superstar]

I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm sorry you are having a hard day.

Many of us have been where you are right now, and all of us would tell you the same thing..it DOES get better. Read this again...IT DOES GET BETTER!

Don't get down thinking that you "need" him to be whole or that you "can't live without him". You can live without him, and you will be happy again.

My advice is to start working on your detachment. Worry about you. Worry about your kids. GAL, and GAL for YOU not for HIM. If you are "getting a life" in the hopes that he might notice, you aren't doing it right. You do it for YOU, and IF he notices, it is a benefit.

Good luck, you can do it.

[SRTTF]

(((Mel)))) I really needed to log on and see that someone had said something to me. It touches me deeply that it was you.

I can honestly say that days like this the only reason I am staying alive is because of D. I have no idea what H is doing? Where he is? Is he thinking or even missing us at all? All the questions and no answers. Just to hear his voice would give me butterflies, I wouldn't even care if he was yelling at me.

I just have no idea about anything. I WILL wake up tomorrow and go to work, come home and make dinner, clean and play w/ D. Then do it all over again the next day. When i get a few minutes alone I think about him. D won't do anything without me. We are getting C but it doesn't help. I tried to call our old pastor tonight but no answer. Do you ever feel like you are being rejected by every living sole.

[SRTTF]

Today I called in to work sick. I just needed a day. I didn't get off the couch all day.

I lay in bed at night with his sweatshirt that he was wearing the day he left.(i know i shouldn't but it makes me feel close to him) I have so many self help books and devotionals in my night stand my D thinks I'm nuts LOL not really nuts. I have tried to write every night as thou I am talking to him. It helps in the sense that I can get my feelings out but the paper doesn't talk back.

I FINALLY called my old pastor tonight. He actually had heard what happened but didn't want to get involved until asked. The weird thing is that he lives 2 hrs away. Small world I guess. He ran into the union rep with the RR and he mentioned my H name and they talked for a little. Then at x-mas I guess my pastors kids go to school that my friends daughter does and they talked about it a bit. Then he went hunting with a friend of his that works the RR in SD. Well that guy knows H too and they talked about it. So, when I talked to him tonight at least I didn't have to relive EVERYTHING. He has said he is going to contact H and try to help him in both a Pastorial way and a friend. Said that he is doing it b/c he feels H is in a very bad spot both emotional and health. He is concerned as much as I am. He did say that it sounds like H has been running away whenever he starts to get close to someone but believes that H and I shared something very special and H got scared and ran. Doesn't feel like he deserves it and stuff like that. The big differance this time is that I WILL NOT ABANDON MY H. Everyone in his life has always given up on him and I will not do that.

Pastor made me feel at ease finally. I am putting my faith in God and hope that he can get throu to H. The offer from the RR is there when he wants it, but it is getting to that point.

Well I have to work early tomorrow to make up for today so thank you again to everyone for not leaving me!!!!!