Aching Man, Chapter One

[Cathy47]

First I want to say that I have read Corri's response and agree with all she has to say. Now I want to address some of the things you said in your last post....

-differences in core values and beliefs at this point are apparently strong enough to be a turn off (this seems to be the biggest problem)

What differences? Did she say to you that her core values and beliefs were so different than your that she could not see engaging in a sexual relationship with you? Someone is copping out here and they are doing it at the expense of the other person. She is coming up with every excuse in the book to keep from working on an issue that is causing her husband extreme pain. I have to tell you, my core values and beliefs are the very opposite of your wife's. No one has the right to abuse their spouse the way you are being abused.

-kindness, generosity, helpfulness, supportiveness are not enough to overcome these differences. She says she respects and cares for me deeply but doesn’t love me in a romantic way.

AchingMan, I have tried to see it from her perspective, have put thought into what I think might be rational reasons for her rejection of you. None of what she says makes any sense to me. She has no respect for you and very little concern. She may act in ways that will lead you to believe she does but she doesn't. I wouldn't hurt my neighbor the way you are hurting. Your wife is completely dismissive of your pain and that shows a complete lack of respect for you as a human being let alone her husband. I've been there. I have experienced this kind of treatment. My ex husband had me believing he was a good husband, a fine man and truly cared about me. He could have cared less about me or anything I was feeling. He was along for the ride and if I had kept quiet and suffered in silence he would still be here. You seem to have so much love and affection to offer and you have found yourself attached to and loving someone who feels so little for you that she is willing for you to suffer. I think she is a cruel person who, for some reason has learned that it is OK to verbally wound the person she is married to. Part of me wonders if her cruelty to you is an attempt to push you out of the marriage or if it is arrogance on her part and a belief that she is allowed to abuse others. I'm sorry but her thinking and reasoning do not jive with what I have learned about common human decency.

-I don’t see life the way she does. What we each expect from it has evolved in different directions (according to her, doesn’t seem that different to me)

I agree with her on this one, I think you two see life very differently. I can't imagine you ever saying the things she says even if you were in her shoes. I think you expect kindness, affection and love from the person you married. I think she expects you to skate along and do without what you need just because she has decided she doesn't like it. Oh, yes, I see the glaring differences in the two of you as individuals. It's just to bad she lacks the humanity that you have so much of.

-my attitude about sex is offensive (I like it, want it a lot, think it should be fun and often)

It is offensive for a man to want to share intimacy with his wife? She tries to put you on the defensive for having normal needs and loving her. This is one gracious woman you are dealing with here. I was wrong, the one who wanted too much, needed too much, expected too much. I was the one always apologizing, feeling guilty and trying to fix the problem. People like my ex and your wife go through life dumping on people. Your wife has an extreme problem, she is unfit to play the role of wife to you or anyone else and you are carrying the burden of it. You, not her, you are the one on anti-depressants and posting to a forum trying to make things better. She is off the hook for any of it because you are so willing to carry her load. Honey, she has no reason to change cause you are going to hang in there no matter what she does or says.....or so she thinks.

-I find humor in sexual jokes/innuendo (immature?)

-my high sex drive is a major turn off

Have you ever considered telling her to grow up? It turns her off that you have a high sex drive? If you served her your b$lls on a silver platter would she feel more affection for you? This woman has attacked everything about you that makes you a man. Why does she feel safe in doing this?

-my “scent” isn’t an attractant to her. I DO take showers, y’all know, and use cologne. Just seems like my chemistry isn’t right for her. Other women have told me the opposite so I figure it’s kinda like fitting puzzle pieces together: some work, others have to be trimmed or matched with a different piece.

It doesn't have anything to do with fitting puzzle pieces together. It has to do with common human decency and caring enough about the person you are married to that you would never do such harm to their emotional health. She has devastated you emotionally and you love her so much that you are willing for her to do it. Why?

She says she can feel my anguish (I’m not sure how, I thought I was keeping it to myself pretty well) every time she is around me and it is often too much for her to stand.

Are we supposed to feel bad for her because she feels anguish? Are her feelings really feelings of concern for you or for herself and the fact that she has to be bothered by it. Nearly 20 years ago when I became pregnant with my first child my ex left me. He was gone through the entire pregnancy and up to the time the child was 7 months old. He was "anguish" and confused. I dealt with the mess he left behind and was a good little martyr. I had no choice because he was "confused." When my child was 7 months old her wrote me an email and told me he would "never be able to forgive himself for the things he had done." I thought, awweee, how wonderful he really does care about me. It took me nearly 17 years and a lot of pain to realize that it was himself he was worried about forgiving. He never once said I'm sorry for what I did to you. It was about finding a way to feel better about himself. AM, your wife is focused on the same thing. Making life easier for her to deal with and her anguish over your pain has to do with the way it makes her feel, not your feelings. You are so much like me...so forgiving, so willing to find an excuse, to look for answers and to lay yourself wide open for someone who will not do something as simple as make a trip to a therapist. Can you see the imbalance in all that and the tole it is taking on you as a person? I know you love this person but I also believe that you are wasting a precious comodity on someone undeserving.

Well, folks, here I am standing in the eye of the storm, actually calm, but afraid to jump into the whirlwind around me. Not sure what to do about all this but I think I have to be really careful who I am around her. Somehow this doesn’t seem right that have to be on guard with everything I say and do but I want things to work between us. If I can I will change myself to be with her.

Why would you give away yourself for someone who has sent you a very loud message that she feels you are not worth her effort? I will be the first to tell people to try and see the situation from their spouses perspective. I believe in listening and taking into account the feelings of the other person. I also believe that there must come a time when we have to stop and ask ourselves why we are continuing to take someone's abuse.

I think there are major problems in your marriage. I think the worst is the fact that you keep extending yourself to someone who can be so abusive. Not only does Corri not see any self-love or self-respect but neither does your wife. Your wife has no reason to change the way she feels. She has put you in your place and you have nicely stood in the corner doing exactly as she says. You have allowed your fear of losing your marriage to cause you to become her whipping boy, someone she can flog on a regular basis.

Corri is right about your son. You don't have to be concerned about him growing up to think you are a pervert. What you need to be concerned about is him growing up to think it is OK to give himself away to someone who will abuse him. He is not learning from his mother that a woman has affection and desire for her husband. From her he is learning to accept coldness from the female gender. You are teaching him to accept and one day live with the same kind of pain you are. That should make you stop and think. It should motivate you to stand up for yourself so that you can teach him to never settle for less than he is worth. He will learn to respect himself by watching you and how you deal with those who disrespect you.

Please listen to what Corri says. You have got to put this woman on notice and you have got to be willing to lose everything to hold onto your own self-respect. Answer this....why is her disregard for you and your needs more important than being loved and respected by her? What about you is able to tell yourself that this is normal and this is what you have to live with? Like Corri, I'm sorry. My intent is not to hurt your feelings. If I had not lived with this kind of abuse I probably would not care so much. I have no idea how old you are but I'm 51. I'm 51 and raising two children on my own because I invested years of myself trying to make it work with someone who had no romantic feelings or desire to make it work. It took me a long time to heal from the pain my divorce caused. I'm on the other side now and can clearly see that I handed him my life and who I was and stood there and allowed him to abuse me. I gave up precious years to someone who could have cared less. I worshiped my husband, adored every aspect of him and thought life would be like death without him. I probably would have never left because I didn't have the strength to find myself. He left me though and now, after 4 years I can honestly say that the pain I suffered was well worth it. I can look back now and I feel shame over who I allowed myself to become. You are a person who deserves so much more than you are getting. Please try and find the strength needed to heal yourself and, if need be move on.
Cathy~