Hi, I haven't posted here in ages. When I was going through separating from my H (he moved out 7 months ago), the MLC boards were my absolute savior. Then H moved out and my life started to improve. The stress of living with him for all those months when I knew he wanted out lifted, and in the fall I started dating someone--which was an incredibly affirming and wonderful rebound fling that I do not regret at all--but this guy is not someone I could really have a relationship with, so I ended things with him.
Anyway, recently I found out that my H has a girlfriend--turns out it's someone he's known for a while (surprise!). He INSISTS he was not having an affair with her while we were still living together--and it almost doesn't matter.
What is KILLING me is that he seems to be very serious about her. They went away for a week together, our kids know about her (though have not met her and don't want to).
Probably, I would feel better about his new love affair if I had one of my own--but right now, I'm feeling awful--certain that I will never find real love again, certain that H has, quickly and effortlessly. I'm just a mess again--hurt, angry, crying all the time. I had come SO far, had healed so much and now this is just completely taking me down.
I am not standing for my M anymore--haven't been in that frame of mind since H moved out in June--so my goal is not to get him back. Still, I am feeling so threatened by this OW, so consumed with anger and hurt and jealousy that it's just awful.
Thanks for reading. It helps to get it out and to know these boards are still here.
LMG
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
I started dating someone--which was an incredibly affirming and wonderful rebound fling that I do not regret at all--but this guy is not someone I could really have a relationship with, so I ended things with him.
Probably, I would feel better about his new love affair if I had one of my own--but right now, I'm feeling awful--certain that I will never find real love again, certain that H has, quickly and effortlessly. I'm just a mess again--hurt, angry, crying all the time. I had come SO far, had healed so much and now this is just completely taking me down.
I am not standing for my M anymore
Love,
Your feeling all the wrong emotions for all the wrong reasons.
So what if you don't fall in love again? Could you still live with yourself? What makes you think your H is or ever will be in love again?
Men have a different take on relationships. They don't need to find "love" to be OK in a relationship. If they can have a non-judgemental 'friend' with benefits, then that will suffice for the time being. I know it sounds shallow, but that's just how most of us are wired. Some will angrily deny this and rant about how they are different, but they just don't know themselves well enough. This is especially true for the middle aged ones that have been married once or twice already.
His relationship might just be as artificial as your previous one. Only difference is he can live with it and you can't.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Please don't tell me I'm feeling the "wrong" emotions. I'm feeling what I'm feeling.
Based on what I know, it seems like my H is having a meaningful R with this woman. I am feeling terrible and hurt all over again because he refused to work on our M.
I would like to be able to rise above it all, but right now I feel devastated and hopeless.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
He refused to work on it back when there was an opportunity to do so. I have let him go at this point and have accepted that our M is over.
I guess I am feeling plain old jealousy--that the guy who seemed so emotionally shut down with me is now (seemingly, from what I know) having an R with someone else that has been going on for months and seems to be getting more serious.
It is hard to tease out what feelings are about what. I was on a high when I was having my rebound fling (for about 2 mos) and at that point I hardly cared what my H was up to. Then my fling ended and it's like the anesthesia wore off and now I am feeling the pain of Hs new R--plus I am feeling pessimistic about my own dating/R future, which seems bleak right now.
Karma-wise, H should be the lonely, suffering one now after all the pain he caused me in the past year or so. I should be the one in a fun new R. It just all feels so unfair. I feel like I am being punished for something, it's so brutal.
What makes it even more annoying is that H wants to be friends with me and would probably be delighted if I found a new R--while I have all these ugly, angry, vengeful feelings toward him and his OW.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
I think the first thing to do is to try not to compare your current place in life with his. You are different people, things will happen differently for you. Neither is right or wrong. "Worrying" about what he is doing is just going to drive you crazy, and not help you to get to where you want to be.
The best thing (IMO, of course) you can do know is have a wild love affair with yourself! Learn to be happy with you. Find out what you like to do when you are not worried about what anyone else would like. I really think that when it is time, and you are really ready, what you are looking for will find you.
No, we are not D. We saw a mediator for a while, but I needed a break because I got too emotional. We do need to go back and continue the negotiations-just haven't gotten around to it.
And, Jeff, I would love to have the love affair with myself of which you speak--but that is easier said than done! I did a whole lot of that and GAL during the horrible months pre-separation. I've just hit a dead end. I'm sick of myself. I feel horribly lonely--that's the truth.
It's particularly bad this week because my Ds are off with H for the week, skiing, while I am here alone. Lots of my friends are also away. I've made plans with everyone who is around, but I am just miserable and torturing myself with thoughts of H and OW (although she is not with them; my kids have not met her and actively don't want to).
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Do you think you are jealous of your husband's relationship or do you think you are just feeling a renewed sense of lonliness becuse the realtionship you were having ended and you aren't as "ok" with yourself as you thought you were?
The reason I ask this is because my H left me in April, after me discovering his affair in Jan. I struggled, I DB'd from Jan through, I did everything I GAL'd but it was to no avail, or so it seemed, then I felt a little better but never ever really detatched. Well then sometime around the end of September a person who I knew socially from my GAL activity started contacting me and paying attention, texting, msn, talking on the phone and in a period of a few weeks I thought less and less about my husband. By mid november - 6 weeks into speaking back and forth with this guy (who knew I was committed to saving my marriage even though my husabdn was still having an affair) I decided enough is enough and told my husband now or never make a choice or I give up and I did. I thought I was stronger and I thought I had boundaries. Now, after ending the relationship with the other guy, I suddenly realize that I still have no idea how to be just me. I am in tremendous pain and feel like the big bandaid that I had das been ripped off.
See the whole year I worked on my M, then I was working on this new R, now I am working on nothing for the very first time. Are you sure this isnt kind of what you are feeling? More than jealousy?
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Yes, you're right--that is partially what's going on, absolutely. It's such a mixture of things and I am so confused and kind of scared by how bad I feel again. I really thought I was past that truly awful, miserable stage. It's hard to believe that a few months ago, when my fling began, I felt elated. I guess this is why they talk about a rollercoaster--because, boy, have I hit a low again.
Today I happened upon a bunch of photos of H&I from about 8-10 years ago, kissing, and with our first D when she was little. Those just killed me. I am back to ruminating about our R and how happy we were for so long, how totally devoted and in love--or so I thought. I think we did drift apart in recent years and I take responsibility for damaging the R in some ways (losing interest in sex was a big one for me). I just feel so walloped by it all over again. It feels like H's OW is the trigger--because it's making me wonder if he was having an affair (he swears he didn't start seeing her until he moved out, but I know this is a woman he's known for years) and I keep wondering what she has that I don't. My ego was so shattered and then restored and now it feels shattered again.
Anyway, I am just so glad these boards are still here for me because they (along with my incredible group of friends) saved me during those awful months.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
