For me there would never be choice, I would never be able to keep my mouth shut about something like this even if I could. It would be like trying to bottle up a tidal wave....
But I've also tried to turn it around and imagine myself in the same situation. I think it would be much easier for me to stay in an affair and continue it if I felt no one knew about it. Others knowing would take some of the steam out of it for me. It wouldn't be this "special secret friend" thing anymore. Then I'd have to consider the reality of the affair.
On the other hand, if it were exposed and then my spouse was angry, controling, and trying to humilate and talk me out of it, then I might feel the better option for me would be continue the affair relationship. Espcially if the OP were supportive and helping me feel positive and good about myself. Why would I choose someone who showed anger, hurt and disdain when there was someone supporting me and helping me feel good about myself?
That's my two cents...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
