I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow...!

[1853dave]

OK, so this evening before dinnertime my D9 called me to say hi. She was home sick from school today with a sore throat, etc. She just called to say hi and update me on how she was doing. It was great as always to hear from her. I then spoke with D4 for a few minutes, who then handed the phone (I didn't ask her to) to the wife. We spoke for a few minutes, friendly as usual. I probably broke the DB rules, but I mentioned to her that we need to take some time to talk. She said that she knew, but she was wanting to do so in front of the counselor. I inquired if every time we need to talk about something, would we have to hire a counselor to be present? She said no, but that she wants to say some things with the counselor present. I told her that was fine, but we can still talk about other things just the same - it doesn't have to be about us. She said "I know..." but still seemed disinterested in making any progress without a counselor present. I mentioned to her that we are approaching the 3 week mark, and neither of us has mentioned a word about making any progress or attempts at the reconciliation part of the deal. She said she's been busy - school, kids, activities, etc. and I acknowledged that, but as before, our relationship will take last place; it seems that there's ALWAYS something else that takes priority - ALWAYS. There's girl scouts, homework, papers due, karate, dance class, hip-hop rehearsal, ice skating, play-dates, this event or that event.... I mentioned that I am not sitting around with nothing to do myself, but I was hoping by now that we would have done some counseling and might be working on ourselves rather than letting the days slip by... She told me she checked with a friend who could watch the girls while we go to counseling one afternoon, and was going to schedule our visit. I told her that if she doesn't tell me anything, then I don't know what is going on. She apologized, said something about "you have your life, and I have mine" and I asked her what she understood what we agreed to in mediation. She told me we were going to try to "work it out." I asked her what that exactly meant, and she told me we were going to see if the marriage was worth staying in. That was the FIRST time I heard her say anything like that. Until that statement she hadn't mentioned the remote possibility of staying in the marriage. She seems to keep hiding behind the "We're separated" label, as though we are now under a different set of rules or physical laws in the universe, such as we can't speak to each other or something...

I don't feel I have been pressuring her, yet as it seemed to me things have been going ok, they haven't (in my opinion) been moving or progressing. They've just been stuck at "OK"... I was hoping for a little more to show for it 3 weeks into it. I have not been dropping by, nor have I been calling (I did call this AM to ask about my time with D4 tomorrow, so that was "legit") and I really feel as though I have been giving her space, and being there to watch D4 when the W has school, and basically being available and helpful, but not bothersome. Maybe I'm going about this all wrong...

So, I decided it was OK to do something different to stir things up. I certainly don't want to backslide, but I felt I had to ask where we were going with this (she said we were trying to "work it out") and I inquired about the counseling we agreed to weeks ago (which I am letting her schedule with her 'busy' schedule but she's not in a hurry to do it). So, in a way I let her know what I want - (schedule the counselor, make time to talk to me, and don't be afraid to talk to me) so now I think I'll lay off and see what results I get. I can easily see her getting into this routine where day after day goes by, and she is just coasting along without focusing at all on the R which is probably an uncomfortable subject for her.

She did mention that she wants to make sure I don't behave the same way as before - I was coming home in a bad mood, or very negative (her words) and while I know I DID at times, it wasn't every time, but she will only remember the bad times no doubt, so that is one behavior I MUST not repeat. I will say, every time I see her now, I am a happy guy - no negativity or gloom. I had a stressful year at work, but the big project is over, and I have definitely changed my attitude, and I feel better about things at work (I actually DO like my job!) and I feel better around the family...I just need to keep showing W that I am happy around the family.

You know, it really helps to have that feedback about what bothers the W... I wish she had mentioned it before - if she did, I probably wasn't listening or accepting it. I read her LOUD AND CLEAR now!!!

So, the GAL theme will play big here. I do most of the same things I was doing before, and I am looking for something new to add to that, but I am trying to enjoy my time when I am not working (and when I am) and when I have the girls for the day. I think maybe I should do something special with the girls so that we ALL have a real fun time - something out of the ordinary maybe.

I did mention that it would be nice if we all did something as a family on Sunday - even for just a short time. She didn't really say yes or no...I think she is waiting for the counseling visit before we do anything together. She says she really needs that time alone to get things done. I suppose I could always say I have to work on a particular Sunday, so maybe the "convenient babysitter" would suddenly be unavailable...but I don't want to undermine my efforts.

I guess I'd feel a whole lot better if I saw that SHE was taking a step to improving things rather than just riding it out.

Well, now that I let her know a couple of my desires, I'll back off and let her make a move.