Slept well last night. first time with no dreams that I can remember. didn't want to get up, very rested right now. Long weekend ahead, didn't even know, just found out we have Monday off.
All of what I do from here on out is about me. I will be in church tomorrow at 8:00 AM. I feel relieved that I am going. I have all my tax info, finally and I will do them and file electronically tonight. Hoping to get back a few dollars. I will have a very busy weekend. tonight is taxes and some cleaning, laundry. Hole in me is still wide open, but I can feel it closing, finally. My rage is quieter. My acceptance of this decision is probably what I should have done from the start. I am in my "white" room now and much like my walk, it is peaceful and quiet. The only way it can get crazy is if I let it. Trapt, I saw your reply over at another thread and read the previous post regarding affairs. How the WAS becomes dependent and the rest. This is what happened to my W. The OM , well this is his 3rd time around with this and he is married and has a young son. My W knew his reputation and whatever. they are good for each other, neither one has a pot to piss in and neither one has anything close to a relationship with their families, although OM does live in his parents basement. How sweet....
My goal is to get through this month with my decision, then I will see what I see...I am very hard right now, very rigid and emotionally strapped. This is my determination mode. Lots to do, very little time. Pain is worse today. Always as the heal, wounds begin to hurt as they mend. I may be busy next weekend as well, kinda psyched about that. If I don't go out, I get my boys....
Day 4 of my decision. No thoughts of her, no memories, nothing. Pain is enormous, feel emptier that ever inside. But I need to take more time to work out my mind. Missed church and that makes me mad. Met a woman at a dance last night, there was a huge opportunity for me to be with someone and I ended it. Wasn't right, just felt wrong. It was easy to get those feelings , but too easy. I don't need to hurt someone while I go through this. I am taking time tonight to help sort out my head and my decision. I have read quite a bit. amy your insight to the supplanter has been with me since I read it. If nothing else, That thought of her is in my head. I have read some of Trapt other posts and the ones herefor me. There is aquite a bit for me to feed on in those. My decision is still to do what I am doing, for now, to attitude this up and out. My mind is still very cloudy and very blurry. I feel stronger but the void is actually bigger, it seems tohave grown. I cannot relent the decision right now, but I also believe that it may change in time. I will continue on here to let eveyone know my progressions and thoughts as they may be helpful to others. My faith is very solid right now, although it is faith int he unknown. God has His arm around me, so I am ready for attacks or temptations from the other one now. Most likely what happened last night or what almost happened I should say. I passed that test. He is with me. My mind needs some focus and clarity right now. Being dark will give me that opportunity to focaus and get my head on straight.
Day 5. Went to FILs house today to help him. He is very concerned about me. Says I lokk great, but wonders how I am. We talked a little about it. He asked if I am lonely and have found anyone. I told him, I just don't want anyone or anything right now, I am very confused about all of that just now. He asked me if my feeling towards his daughter had changed and I told him I didn't know, because I don't.
The pain grew inside me today, the feeling is very difficult to express. I feel like I am being ripped in half. She left me a voice mail on my phone regarding the taxes and she needs money for this and that. I don't know what she expected to get back in taxes, but it isn't much. The call was from Wednesday. And the message was about how she is owed some of the money from the house and she is owed this and , delete.....
I don't know how I feel about her right now....I truly don't. God knows how I feel right now, because I don't. Has anyone out there gone through this period or struggle of not being sure where you are at...?
day 6. went ok. fight with D17 on phone laid it out. My way or the highway, she got tough but caved. Need to show I am in total control right now. I have decided to be alone, no physical or toherwise companionships. Not now anyway. Too much on my plate to try and balance that kinda side show.
Very busy at work and things around home will have me jumping all week. I am holding strong to my decision and seperation is gong ok, hurts like hell but its going ok. Seperation is my detachment. I love my wife still. This situation has no end in sight, but at least my feeling of seperation does. Need to get over the hump and I think I will be gone....Well, mentally anyway. I will keep posting my progress. Being very dark now, not just by no communication, but no thoughts either.
Day 7. Feel very good, slept well last night. got up and straightened out my room, made my bed and cleared up a few things. I haven't made my bed in over 3 weeks, just didn't want to. Strength in this is getting much better. Still very dark to her. She is the same, hasn't picked up mail at my house in over two weeks. I will bundle it up and put it on top of the fridge.
doing d21 taxes tonight to help her out, taking d17 out this afternoon for a couple of job applications. Getting everything in my house back on track tonight. fun weekend coming up.. With friends again....Realxing and hanging at my buddies house. Work is stil busy but I am getting through the days in a much better mood.
Few people are pounding away at me to bounce, find someone new and move on alone. I don't argue or explain anymore. My attitude of not caring is getting me by, and i will leave it at that. Head is still mostly cloudy, but I feel better. void in me is emptying and the wound is healing. Still unclear as to what it is I don't care about but i am spending less time worrying about it. will check in later. DDday where you at buddy, read your sitch yesterday.
One day at time my friend. It's good that you are there for your girls.
Stay strong, it's best not to discuss this with others, unless they have went through it and have stood for their M, they will never understand. Good for you for not explaining or arguing, you don't have to.
Yeah, everyone knows what best. God if that were only true. No, has to be me, has to be all me. Its definitely hard, it definitely hurts, mind is still very cloudy. Slept good last night. Yeah, not seeing or hearing from Him. Must figure I'm ok for right now. wish i would hear from my dad. Asked god to get a word to him up there. Nothing yet.
thoughts about W are less and less, seperation continues. detachment will happen, my way. I am not blind to her, I just have to get out of the game. got too much other stuff to deal with...thanks for looking in, need it...
Day 8 with my new attitude. feel good today, feel some relief. Still getting up and shaking my head that this is happening to me. I am praying for you and I am glad things are moving forward with you. My d21 has moved home with her boyfriend and it is good. Me and her talk alot about everything. I am helping her with her life, and I enjoy it. She avoids her mothers phone calls. She says she has alot on her mind and dealing with her "stupidity" is too much.
Doing more, trying to get my act together. Feel stronger, wound is healing and detachment/seperation is working for me. Need to make it to day 30 with the same feeling of contentment.
