Most recently I have been DB'ing with mixed results. I guess I may be expecting too much too fast, but every time I feel like things are improving, W does or says something... I don't know, I'm trying to monitor results, and I'm having trouble determining if anything is changing, has changed, or is going to change.
Still really struggling. Amongst the many issues I'm struggling with...
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As I have mentioned several times, I have rediscovered my faith, and prayer has helped me a lot over the last 8 months or so. My concern is W. She is, and always has been agnostic.
She's gone to church with me a few times in the past, but really doesn't know what she believes, other than "there probably is a higher power, or God if you want to call it that, but I don't buy in to this whole organized religion, fire and brimstone, repent or you will go to hell philosophy".
In the past I just kept my beliefs to myself, and believed that in time she would come to know the Lord and accept him, but on her time, and when she was ready. Admitedly, I was a passive Christian, didn't go to church (I learned all that when I was a kid), and even though down deep I believed and felt myself to be a Christian, I didn't pray regularly, and just kind of took my faith for granted, just like I did my marriage.
Now, I have been regularly attending church, I have spoken with my pastor about my sitch, and I have been praying for W's salvation every morning and night, and also for my kids, as they are at the age where they are asking a lot of questions, and getting very different answers from Mom and from Dad.
I know I can't force my beliefs on her, or the kids, or anyone for that matter, but what can I do, other than praying for them? Is there anything else I can do?
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She is obviously having some real internal battles going on, and I'm afraid that if she keeps bottling it up and pushing it down, nothing's going to change.
It's a common trait in her whole family - her mother is an alcoholic, and when she goes "into la la land" as they call it, everybody carries on as-if nothing is out of the ordinary - they all just pretend everything is OK, and eventually it will be.
She puts on such a brave face, and impenetrable demeanor, but I can tell that she is hurting deeply, and I want to be he one to comfort her, but how can I do that if I am the one causing her the pain?
At our last MC meeting, when asked about how she feels about the R she said "I keep waiting for something, anything to make me want to make it work, but I just get so tense and sad when I'm with you, and I feel at peace when I'm not. I don't know if it can change, or if I even want it to change, I just don't know what I want, but I really feel like we just don't belong together. "
These are the issues I just can't seem to put out of my mind, I keep running them over and over trying to find answers. Here I am posting them again, trying to find answers. [/sarcasm] I appreciate any feedback, suggestions, encouragement, even 2x4s - thanks!
Hi Song, good to hear from you again. My heart goes out to you about your burden for your wife and her lack of belief in the Lord. Your best way of "winning her" over in the Christian life is by your own personal habits as a Christian....such as getting back into regular attendance in Church. It is not always so much of what you say as what you do. We can pray that others will say things and things will work together to cause her attention to be focused on the fact that their is, in fact, a living God and then hopefully her acceptance of Christ as Savior. When God opens a door for you to say something, you will feel that impression and you will have the words. You are in a sensitive situation when there is M problems and you want to lead her to Christ. You will mostly have to pray for her and that somebody else will be able to do what you can't at times. As far your children:
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I know I can't force my beliefs on her, or the kids, or anyone for that matter, but what can I do, other than praying for them? Is there anything else I can do?
You are correct. We cannot force our beliefs on anyone, but when it comes to our own children....which BTW, I am very protective of what they are told in the realms of religion and by whom, I look at it this way......you make them go to school and do their homework and you instill certain standards and morals in them....right? Then why not fight for their souls? It is very difficult if she is there giving the opposite view of what you are telling them, but I would not sit back with the attitude that you cannot force your belief on them. You said you got most of what you know when you were a child, so I take it that somebody saw to it that you were in church. As their parent, God holds you accountable (and especially as their father) to see to it they are raised in the ways of the Lord. So, I would suggest that you tell them to be ready to go to Church every Sunday. There will be no asking "if" we are going b/c it will be understood that we "are" going, regardless (unless sick). If your wife says you are "forcing" your beliefs on them, tell her that is your right as their parent.....and it is. We make them do everything else, whether they want to or not....why would we sit idly by and let them lose their soul?
Anyway, that is my opinion, for whatever it's worth.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I value your guidance. I have been going to Church religiously (pun intended), and have been bringing my sons on the Sundays they are with me. I'm now very sorry that I didn't put a higher value on Church earlier in their lives, because it probably seems like it's a response to the bomb.
I guess in a way it is, but maybe that is why the bomb came when and how it did. After all, it was the catalyst that re-established my faith. I feel like I'm being punished for all my years of ignorance and excess.
I feel like I'm being punished for all my years of ignorance and excess.
If you have asked God to forgive you and accept His forgiveness by faith and not feelings, He will forgive you as He promised in I John 1:9, but it doesn't mean we don't have to face the consequences of our past decisions. I think that is what you are dealing with more that God's punishment. Try not to worry about how it may appear or whatever, b/c M problems have brought a lot of people to their knees and that is okay as long as we don't forget to stay on our knees. You still have a chance to win the kids and just rely on the Holy Spirit to do His work also. Sometimes, we try so hard that we end up "pushing" and I know you will be careful about that, but a lot of time has escaped, so I do hope that they will take hold and will belive the truth instead of following after their mom. The world's ways are hard for kids today to overcome, but prayer is very powerful. Just keep taking them while you have that authority over them. Don't cave to what they want or if they throw a fit about not wanting to go.....like a lot of parents are doing these days. Let them know that you have been wrong for going so long out of Church and not taking them and that it is an understood rule that you and your kids will be in Church on Sundays. I forget their ages, but if they are very old, expect a fight! If they are almost teens, then it will even be harder and if they are in their teen years......oh goodness. Do the best that you can. If they are in their teens, then try having a heart to heart talk.
Anyway, I will pray that things go well.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Facing the consequences of my past decisions... thats it. I know God is love and doesn't punish, that is why I'm so conflicted... but once again Sandi, you've provided clarity, my feelings are not in sync with my faith.
That's even one of the things the DB coach said, "Feed your faith, not your fears"
I guess that also explains why I'm where I am with my M - I miss things that are obvious to others, and I need constant reinforcement or else I screw up.
Well, I didn't mean to imply that He never punishes disobedient Christians. He doesn't want to, of course, and He is very patient and merciful in giving us plenty of time to get ourselves together and do what we are suppose to do, but if we are rebellious and refuse to live in obedience with Him, then He often times has to give us a divine spanking to get our attention back on Him. Then if we get our heart right with Him and confess our sins and claim His forgiveness, then He is faithful and just to forgive us according to I Jn. 1:9. But like I said earlier, if we have messed up bad enough in our past decisions, then we have to still have to live with the consequences. Kind of like getting pregnant out of wedlock and asking God to forgive you.....which He will, but you still are going to have that baby! It doesn't just disappear. However, there are cases where people who are Christians get so far away from God and live so badly that He does have to carry them to the divine "woodshed". You are right, He is a God of love, but He has a lot of other attibutes as well. Oh, you done got me to preaching again....lol.
I am just so glad that you found your way back.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This morning W & I met with a developmental psychologist to give an overview of S11 developmental progress since birth. W decided that he needs to be in counseling because he's having a difficult time with transition, that being our separation and the uncertainty of how things are going to turn out.
I arrived 5 minutes early and W arrived at same time. I tried talking with her about light stuff, and she was very very cold. Looking straight ahead, no eye contact, one or two word answers, and again she had this look on her face like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders.
I'm having a lot of difficulty navigating this mine field I'm in because: 1) She spends the majority of the time with the kids, and I'm less and less involved with their lives, knowing what's going on, what issues or problems they are having 2) I'm trying to give her the space she has asked for, yet in doing so I'm also creating space between me and the kids 3) I told her that next week I will be spending 3 nights at the house instead of the normal 2 and she got all flustered and thinks it's bad for the kids because we are not giving them consistency 4) I feel like every week that goes by, there's more distance between us, and I'm really afraid that she's getting more and more used to me not being around
She used to be much more cordial when I was around more often, and even though I was pursuing, it seemed like we were on better ground than we are now.
I'm having trouble determining wether what I'm doing is working, or if it's just pushing her further away.
How do I make that determination? Do I just stay the course? Should I be trying something else?
I realize I'm a bit scattered, but that's how I'm feeling. Spending an hour with a counselor, talking about S11 problems without talking about M was very surreal.
Hi Song..my first post. When I filed and her anger came, she used the kids against me. Their homework bags would be locked in her car. She would do the homework before I got home. Same thing...I was being alienated from my kids.
DO NOT LET IT HAPPEN. DO NOT BE AFRAID OF STAYING IN YOUR CHILDREN'S LIFE. DO NOT LET FEAR OF PUSHING YOUR W AWAY KEEP YOU FROM DEFENDING YOUR BOUNDARIES.
Staying in your kids lives is a N.U.T. (Levine)
I fought to do homework twice a week. I began to look thru their schoolbag everyday and log events into my Blackberry. I began enrolling my kids in their sports...staying on top...keeping myself in the loop. I became a coach of my son's BB team and my D5's lacrosse clinic.
Don't be an amputated parent.
Don't be afraid to stay involved.
Don't be afraid to stand your ground.
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You can't stand up for them if you can't stand up to them.
NB....I didn't say yell, scream, be an a$$hole, etc.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I'm in the same boat (though no D filed), she does their homework with them every day, although that's how it always has been done. We both are involved with their sports, and I've been more involved lately. I guess I just need to stay the course with no R talk and PMA if she is around when I'm there, and be more present in my kids day to day. Going dark really isn't the right way to be approaching this, I need to look at it a little differently.
I really appreciate your perspective, I have read your posts to other people, and I'm glad you have taken an interest in my sitch.
I just received a copy of "N.U.T.S." today, and will be reading this weekend.
