Aching Man, Chapter One

[Cathy47]

She states that she is simply asexual, incapable of sexual affection and has no need to find it again. These kinds of statements are so incapacitating. When she says these kinds of things I am completely flabbergasted, in shock. What can you say to something like that?

I think how one would respond would depend on the context in which the statement is made. My ex told me he loved me but just did not know what the big deal about sex was. My sister told me that she has no "romantic feelings" for her husband....that it wouldn't bother her if they never had sex again but that she can't imagine her life without him. Why do people allow their feelings for the one they marry to get to that point? How do they get to the point that they need to separate sex from the relationship? My sister and her huband have no children so she focused on her career. It takes up a great amount of time and energy and it's my opinion that she had to let go of that aspect of her relationship with her husband to retain the level of energy she needed for her job. I wonder about your wife. What is her focus on? Is she feeling a need to shut down in that particular aspect of her life so she can keep up in something she feels is more important right now? I know some women do this once they become mothers.

She has a way of making me feel almost guilty for affairs that don’t even exist! I actually get nervous when she starts interrogating me, which, no doubt, makes her believe I am cheating on her, when I am not. Very bizarre, I tell ya.

How does the guilt you feel when she questions you cause you to react to her "probing?" She seems to say one thing and then seek out proof that you are not actually acting on what she says. I agree, it is very contradictory.

You would think that with so much frustration and resentment that has built up over the years that I would not feel the love that I do. She melts the anger with one kiss, I'm crazy about her. She even wonders how I can love her so much, how I can still feel my heart jump when she walks into the room. Damn folks, wouldn't most ladies melt for a guy that feels this way about his wife? I just don't f********ing get it. Pardon my censored Français

Well, I'll be honest with you, I'm not sure how I would react if I knew someone constantly wanted me or felt that level of desire for me. I think it might cause me to feel responsible for that person's happiness which would cause me to withdraw. It would feel like a tremendous burden to me. There is that "thrill of the chase" thing also. No one wants what they know they don't have to work for. I have a feeling that if she were ready, willing and hot to trot every time you made a move that you would find yourself losing a little interest also. I think my level of desire for my ex was directly related to the fact that he was so hard to get. You might want to think about that...is all that love and desire causing some unitended consequences?

Adopting my wife’s perspective, my son sees the way I reach out for her or look at her with “that sparkle” as the uncontrolled behavior of a horny pervert that is obsessed with women. It kills me to see his concept of sexuality being formed in such a twisted perspective. I’m hoping that as his hormones start really kicking in he’ll understand what it’s like to desire

How do you know that your son percieves it as perverted that you desire his mother? Has he told you this or are you just transfering your fear onto him. If you and your wife hug and are affectionate in front of your son then I'm sure that what he is seeing are his parents show love. I'm pretty sure you aren't walking around with horny pervert stamped on your forehead.

Finding a way “to make myself whole and complete without her” is definitely all that I can do. However, the pain of losing a loved one is not easily recovered from, whether it is from death, divorce or emotional/intimate separation. Who can honestly say that they don’t need their spouse for happiness? Let’s be frank, it’s BS to think that we can be complete if we suddenly or slowly, over the years, lose our loved one.

You equate whether or not you have a wife with the amount of sex you have with your wife? I think what might be holding you back or maybe even causing your pain to be worse is this "losing a loved one" thinking. I know all the arguments about sex being only 10% if the marriage is good and 90% if the marriage is bad...due to sexual issues anyway. You seem to feel though that if the sexual issues do not get better then you have lost her completely. It would be a loss of one aspect of your relationship with her but not your complete relationship. It would be the loss of something that you feel is enormously important and a very painful loss but it would not be a complete loss of your loved one. It is painful to see any aspect of the relationship change, especially one that gave us great pleasure. Maybe that is something that needs to happen so that other aspects of the relationship can grow. Maybe there needs to be growth in other aspects of the relationship before the loss can be recovered. Who says that her attitude right now is a permanent state of mind?

Sexual divorce is definitely a loss of an important aspect of one of the most significant relationships we can experience as humans. It takes a very long time to recover from any kind of loss and when we continue to live with the person that we’ve ”lost” then we are trapped in frozen state that is impossible to completely leave, in order to move ahead with our lives and find new happiness solely within ourselves.

I think how any of us choose to look at, feel about, or handle a loss is completely up to us. This is so intensely important to you that you might be viewing it as to be all, end all thing that breaks any kind of bond you have with your wife. It may be the very thing you feel like you need as a husband to continue to feel a bond with her. Have you thought that maybe your attitude and the level of importance that you are choosing to put on this aspect of the relationship at this time is what is causing most of the pain? I don't really think you need to find new happiness solely within yourself but I think you might want to think about finding happiness with her that does not henge on how often you have sex or how much you feel she desires you. Once again I want to stress to you this point...your belief that you need her to connect to you in that way may be the very thing that is getting in the way of her connecting with you in that way. I'm not being critical cause believe me, I understand how you are feeling. It was very important to me that my ex desire me...that is how I showed my love for him and it was what I thought I needed in return to feel loved. Your wife does not equate sex with love. I believe though that those who are feeling their needs met as far as being loved are more open sexually. Those that are feeling pressured...if nothing more than a kiss....are more likely to withdraw and stay stuck.

I’m still looking for some clue to the reason she lost her sparkle for me.

I doubt seriously that even she knows where the "sparkle" has gone. She might be able to make up plenty of excuses for her feelings....I'm busy, stressed out at work, the kids keep me run down." All sorts of things could be the reason in her mind. I imagine all she knows is that it is gone and she has no idea how to get it back. We tend to put off things that aren't easily answered. I hope your dinner went well and that you were able to talk but I'm curious...how often do you have these talks with her? When you talk about the "situation" is it always in relation to the lack of sex? What, if anything, does she believe the problems are in the relationship? When you talk to her what words do you use? Do you tell her you feel like you have lost her? Do you tell her you would give anything to have her back? Are you saying things to her that might make her believe you equate her and the importance of her in your life with the amount of sex you have with her?

These are just thoughts that I have. Things that pop out at me and when I view it the way your wife might it makes me wonder how your desperate need to have her back might make her feel. Not sure my thoughts will be of any help.
Cathy