Don't know if it's encouraging or not, but beneath the bluster and selfishness, your W does seem to want to find a way to connect.
Aud, I think you're right. I think she wants to connect, too.
I've been reading DB for the second or third time. I'm realizing that in Piecing mode, I'm going to need to incorporate more of a DB mindset. I've been utilizing GAL for social connection and Do Something Different to integrate positives into the R , and my religious self-help books to keep me from developing ill will, but I can see that I'm going to need to be more skilled at DB, if I'm going to navigate Piecing.
DB tallks about the Solution Becoming the Problem. In my R, my W attempts to get me to be more intimate with her by venting her frustration indirectly. She also attempts to get me to be more intimate by diagnosing me with an intimacy problem, that needs to be addressed in IC. She hasn't figured-out that she needs to act in ways that would make me want to be closer to her.
I want to live with a W who is respectful in her communication, and is mostly pleasant to be around. In order to obtain that, I'm going to have to be more connected in a physical manner with her.
I've tried hiring a housecleaner as a dirty house is stressful for her. I've signed us up for a world travel group, as she wants to travel on a regular basis. I've put the sheep puppy dog in daycare, as she cannot tolerate being with him all day. I cook a meal for her weekly. I've become a skilled dancer, so that we can share a hobby together. All of these efforts have not prevented her from relapsing into sleeping elsewhere behaviors.
I have to figure-out another approach. IC may be helpful. I was validated in an email today, because I admitted that I need to work on relational skills. As long as she gets the impression that I am working on my relational skills to improve intimacy, she is content. She likes it when I admit that I have issues.
When I'm done with DB, I probably should start on Mars & Venus, to get some ideas on how to communicate with women.
I think my W is correct about my defensvieness and reactivity around her. I need to become more aware of those patterns. I have a book on order that addresses those issues. As you've stated, I've had my guard up for a long time in this R.
I'll keep thinking. This is a back to the drawing board phase.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
