Expose the Affair?

[saffie]

IT’S ALWAYS BETTER TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD
The high road is about restoring the relationship to a loving one. Exposing the affair is not the high road. It isn’t gentle. It doesn’t allow for the other person to change gradually. The highest road would involve requesting your partner to give up the other person, working to meet their needs they felt were lacking, making yourself more attractive to them, winning them over. There are scriptural examples… Hosea initially exposed Gomer and divorced her, God had him seek her out to get her to return to him….even better. Joseph wasn’t willing to expose Mary when she was pregnant and he thought it was by another man.

I am not going to get into quoting scripture as not all on this board are christian. I would argue that outing the A is not necessarily done from malice. One may regard taking the high road as being honourable and truthful and not enabling someone to be deceitful. One can out an A with care and honesty.

ACT OF WAR
Your spouse is very likely to perceive being ‘outed’ as an act of war. And now that everyone knows, so why not continue the affair, and by the way, let me tell you how bad MY spouse is, and why the new person is so much better.

I believe the majority of S's that are outed are actually shamed by their actions. I know mine was. Mine was actually ppulleed up short and suddenly couldn't believe that he had acted so badly. They also worry about their jobs etc., and so continuing the A becomes harder. There will always be some that were looking for an exit A however and so outing will make no difference to them. Very seldom is the new person perceived as better by those around, and the person who tries to justify an A on that basis just makes a fool of themself generally.

MAKES YOU LOOK WEAKER
Exposing the affair is actually a bold act, most likely coming from a place of strength…however, the person talking about it is often seen as whiny, weak…highlighting that they were ‘left’.

It is all a question of HOW it is done. Also my H said it showed great strength and was a sign of how much love I held in my heart for him. In my instance showing that much strength was a 180.

ALIENATES SPOUSE
The spouse being exposed is often alienated from a child, and sometimes alienated at their job, church, etc…they places they need to be connected to restore and heal in the relationship. This COULD work for the spouse doing the exposing, but could work against as well.

This is all about HOW it is done again. My children and those around us were told that we both had made errors in our M that had led to my H feeling the need to have an A. We were very upfront about not wanting anyone to take sides and judge. It just needed to no longer be a secret if we were to heal and move on. To conceal would be lying by ommission. We NEVER tried to bias our children against one another. Our friends have all continued to be our friends.

UNFAIR BURDEN TO THE PERSONS BEING TOLD
Not everyone wants to know this news. Folks don’t really want to have to take sides. They will feel they are being asked to take sides, and many will. Oddly enough, it might not be YOUR side.

You don't have to put friends, family, children etc. in a place where they have to take sides. You are assuming, it seems, there is malice in the outing, and point scoring. That shouldn't be the case if you do it because you want to save your M. Often these very people can be supportive and offer you the help you need to recover. We were given a lot of practical support in the form of looking after the children etc so my H and I could find time to reconnect.

AFTER the LAST RESORT
If you decide to do it, it should definitely be an AFTER THE LAST RESORT technique.

Everyone's situation is different.

I think this is a very interesting discussion.

I also think when outing an A the timing of it is quite important. I am very aware that the fallout can go either way, and in my case I am sure that certain elements were critical in it working.

Firstly, the A had been ongoing some 18 months and so the 'shine' was wearing off. My H was actually leaving hints around but I never suspected him of having an A. OW was putting immense pressure on him as she had left her H and her young children.

Secondly, I had been working on changing myself because I knew my M was in a bad way, before knowing about the A.....and my H could see those changes and new they were for real....so my going public and outing it all when he told me about the A just swayed him more towards me, as he viewed me as 'fighting' for him, as opposed to shrugging my shoulders and just giving up. If I had let him cake eat, which he did initially request whilst he 'made up his mind' he would not have respected me as much. The more public I was, the less chance he had of cake eating.

I believe that outing an affair is like taking a plaster off quickly as opposed to letting it remain secret which is like peeling it off slowly. Personally, I would rather go for the short, sharp, option. But that was MY choice and I thought it best in MY situation. Everyone's situation is different and there really is NO one way fits all IMO.