My good friend Puppy and some other folks on this site advocate exposing the affair to the people around you. I can understand why you would want to. With the goal in mind of saving the marriage (which is the goal on this site), I’d like to talk about why I don’t advocate it, and I especially think folks shouldn’t recommend it to a newbie. My basis is the examples on the board over about 8 years, and experiences in my own life with friends, family and coworkers.
IT’S ALWAYS BETTER TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD The high road is about restoring the relationship to a loving one. Exposing the affair is not the high road. It isn’t gentle. It doesn’t allow for the other person to change gradually. The highest road would involve requesting your partner to give up the other person, working to meet their needs they felt were lacking, making yourself more attractive to them, winning them over. There are scriptural examples… Hosea initially exposed Gomer and divorced her, God had him seek her out to get her to return to him….even better. Joseph wasn’t willing to expose Mary when she was pregnant and he thought it was by another man.
ACT OF WAR Your spouse is very likely to perceive being ‘outed’ as an act of war. And now that everyone knows, so why not continue the affair, and by the way, let me tell you how bad MY spouse is, and why the new person is so much better.
MAKES YOU LOOK WEAKER Exposing the affair is actually a bold act, most likely coming from a place of strength…however, the person talking about it is often seen as whiny, weak…highlighting that they were ‘left’.
ALIENATES SPOUSE The spouse being exposed is often alienated from a child, and sometimes alienated at their job, church, etc…they places they need to be connected to restore and heal in the relationship. This COULD work for the spouse doing the exposing, but could work against as well.
UNFAIR BURDEN TO THE PERSONS BEING TOLD Not everyone wants to know this news. Folks don’t really want to have to take sides. They will feel they are being asked to take sides, and many will. Oddly enough, it might not be YOUR side.
AFTER the LAST RESORT If you decide to do it, it should definitely be an AFTER THE LAST RESORT technique.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
IT’S ALWAYS BETTER TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD The high road is about restoring the relationship to a loving one. Exposing the affair is not the high road. It isn’t gentle. It doesn’t allow for the other person to change gradually. The highest road would involve requesting your partner to give up the other person, working to meet their needs they felt were lacking, making yourself more attractive to them, winning them over. There are scriptural examples… Hosea initially exposed Gomer and divorced her, God had him seek her out to get her to return to him….even better. Joseph wasn’t willing to expose Mary when she was pregnant and he thought it was by another man.
I am not going to get into quoting scripture as not all on this board are christian. I would argue that outing the A is not necessarily done from malice. One may regard taking the high road as being honourable and truthful and not enabling someone to be deceitful. One can out an A with care and honesty.
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ACT OF WAR Your spouse is very likely to perceive being ‘outed’ as an act of war. And now that everyone knows, so why not continue the affair, and by the way, let me tell you how bad MY spouse is, and why the new person is so much better.
I believe the majority of S's that are outed are actually shamed by their actions. I know mine was. Mine was actually ppulleed up short and suddenly couldn't believe that he had acted so badly. They also worry about their jobs etc., and so continuing the A becomes harder. There will always be some that were looking for an exit A however and so outing will make no difference to them. Very seldom is the new person perceived as better by those around, and the person who tries to justify an A on that basis just makes a fool of themself generally.
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MAKES YOU LOOK WEAKER Exposing the affair is actually a bold act, most likely coming from a place of strength…however, the person talking about it is often seen as whiny, weak…highlighting that they were ‘left’.
It is all a question of HOW it is done. Also my H said it showed great strength and was a sign of how much love I held in my heart for him. In my instance showing that much strength was a 180.
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ALIENATES SPOUSE The spouse being exposed is often alienated from a child, and sometimes alienated at their job, church, etc…they places they need to be connected to restore and heal in the relationship. This COULD work for the spouse doing the exposing, but could work against as well.
This is all about HOW it is done again. My children and those around us were told that we both had made errors in our M that had led to my H feeling the need to have an A. We were very upfront about not wanting anyone to take sides and judge. It just needed to no longer be a secret if we were to heal and move on. To conceal would be lying by ommission. We NEVER tried to bias our children against one another. Our friends have all continued to be our friends.
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UNFAIR BURDEN TO THE PERSONS BEING TOLD Not everyone wants to know this news. Folks don’t really want to have to take sides. They will feel they are being asked to take sides, and many will. Oddly enough, it might not be YOUR side.
You don't have to put friends, family, children etc. in a place where they have to take sides. You are assuming, it seems, there is malice in the outing, and point scoring. That shouldn't be the case if you do it because you want to save your M. Often these very people can be supportive and offer you the help you need to recover. We were given a lot of practical support in the form of looking after the children etc so my H and I could find time to reconnect.
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AFTER the LAST RESORT If you decide to do it, it should definitely be an AFTER THE LAST RESORT technique.
Everyone's situation is different.
I think this is a very interesting discussion.
I also think when outing an A the timing of it is quite important. I am very aware that the fallout can go either way, and in my case I am sure that certain elements were critical in it working.
Firstly, the A had been ongoing some 18 months and so the 'shine' was wearing off. My H was actually leaving hints around but I never suspected him of having an A. OW was putting immense pressure on him as she had left her H and her young children.
Secondly, I had been working on changing myself because I knew my M was in a bad way, before knowing about the A.....and my H could see those changes and new they were for real....so my going public and outing it all when he told me about the A just swayed him more towards me, as he viewed me as 'fighting' for him, as opposed to shrugging my shoulders and just giving up. If I had let him cake eat, which he did initially request whilst he 'made up his mind' he would not have respected me as much. The more public I was, the less chance he had of cake eating.
I believe that outing an affair is like taking a plaster off quickly as opposed to letting it remain secret which is like peeling it off slowly. Personally, I would rather go for the short, sharp, option. But that was MY choice and I thought it best in MY situation. Everyone's situation is different and there really is NO one way fits all IMO.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
This is a hard issue in my opinion. In my sitch, for the last 6 months I have chosen to not "out the affair" my W is having in the hopes of taking the high road and reconciling the marriage. Sadly I have had little success, the A is still ongoing, albeit it more EA now than PA - at least as far as I can tell. To a certain extent I feel like I've merely been an enabler, keeping the dirty little secret to myself and therefore my spouse has had no consequences of her action. That has actually made me feel week. Just my two cents.
For me there would never be choice, I would never be able to keep my mouth shut about something like this even if I could. It would be like trying to bottle up a tidal wave....
But I've also tried to turn it around and imagine myself in the same situation. I think it would be much easier for me to stay in an affair and continue it if I felt no one knew about it. Others knowing would take some of the steam out of it for me. It wouldn't be this "special secret friend" thing anymore. Then I'd have to consider the reality of the affair.
On the other hand, if it were exposed and then my spouse was angry, controling, and trying to humilate and talk me out of it, then I might feel the better option for me would be continue the affair relationship. Espcially if the OP were supportive and helping me feel positive and good about myself. Why would I choose someone who showed anger, hurt and disdain when there was someone supporting me and helping me feel good about myself?
That's my two cents...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I am talking from what I've seen, and holding a DB perspective. I've had a boyfriend 'cheat' but I didn't have to deal with this in my marriage. If I had to actually live it, it is very possible that it would be public knowledge.
However, if I were the one having the affair, and I were exposed, and humiliated, I would never go back to the marriage.
It does work for some ... like puppy and saffie....
Last edited by sgctxok; 02/19/0903:15 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
It does work for some ... like puppy and saffie....
. . . and tens of thousands of others.
Saffie and I didn't just make this stuff up. Best-selling books and entire MC practices have been built around it, and while it's probably still the minority view, I'd estimate it's probably a 40/60 minority view.
Yep. It worked for me too. My husband was pretty embarrassed when OW called him to complain that S23 had called and told her that he knew she had spent a weekend with his father and she had better end the relationship. And you know what? She did end the relationship. And there was nothing he could do about it. Affair over.
SG states the opposing view very eloquently, and I know she's sincere in her beliefs. But despite the 1,000 words on it, the bottom line is exposure WORKS, and IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
Affairs thrive on secrecy. Take away the secrecy, and the affair's already 80% dead.
Why is it the right thing to do? Because you know something, and other people who are potentially going to be damaged greatly by the illicit relationship have a right to know. Put it this way. Replace "adultery" with "larceny." If you knew someone was stealing other people blind -- including their spouse -- wouldn't you have a moral obligation to tell them?
Of all the horrible things that one person can do to another, I can't for the life of me figure out why THIS one is supposed to be kept from everyone, and we're all supposed to enable it and even tacitly approve of it. This is where Sandi and I go 'round and 'round over this: what other crime/habit/sin/behavior is treated as sacrosanct, and we're all supposed to go along? If someone had a gambling addiction or a porn addiction, and were robbing their family blind, we wouldn't think twice about intervening and doing everything we could to stop it. But when it's infidelity, we're supposed to do the Little Bo-Peep Approach: leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them.
Sorry. I don't buy it. Affairs cause intense damage to families -- medically, financially, emotionally and spiritually, and innocent kids are often their collateral damage. I'll have no part of that. Aggressively busting up an affair by all means possible -- including exposure -- hastens the affair's natural death, and every month it is shortened is one less month of incredible harm to all involved.
I vote expose, and I prefer the nuclear option (everyone at once). I did everything but call her work and out her to management simply because I knew if she got fired I would be on the hook for more money in support.
Not outing an affair is a passive acceptance of the affair.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
My DH's affair was outed--his family, my family, D17 found out, and many of our joint friends who are all in support of reconciliation, if for no other reason than for the kids. DH, as of August was still in communication with her and flew to see her right before he left on deployment, but he hid it from everyone, including his parents. I have no idea if the A is continuing at this point, but am living with the assumption that it is.
I handled some things very wrong--while I outed him, I was still allowing cake-eating and doing everything else against DB--crying, begging, pleading, telling him to think about the kids. With him being military, there are substantial financial risks involved in going to his command--that is the only thing that has kept me from it.
I do not wish I had not outed him, I just wish I had done it from a position of strength instead of the weak, crying woman I was at that time.
Blessings, grace, and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
