Your words have sunk in very deeply. You have simply put into words the whirlwind of thoughts that have been in my head. You are right in implying that my wife may never be able to give me what I need. This has been the saddest thought, that is to consider that we may never reconnect the precious passionate love that we once shared a very long time ago.
Your question itself is not really hurtful since I’ve become used to dealing with that concept. She has told me outright many times, with sincerity and gentleness, that she has very little (or none?) romantic feelings for me, or anyone else for that matter. This is the cornerstone of her defense regarding the loss of intimacy in our relationship. She states that she is simply asexual, incapable of sexual affection and has no need to find it again. These kinds of statements are so incapacitating. When she says these kinds of things I am completely flabbergasted, in shock. What can you say to something like that?
There are some strange contradictions in this situation. While she states that she thinks I would be better off with another woman that deserves me, she acts somewhat jealous at times, asking suspiciously about bruises on my shoulders (love bites in her mind) or other “suspicious” behaviors or items. At times I feel like she is probing me, planting seeds to see if I “break” or “spill the beans” about the women she already suspects I am seeing. She has a way of making me feel almost guilty for affairs that don’t even exist! I actually get nervous when she starts interrogating me, which, no doubt, makes her believe I am cheating on her, when I am not. Very bizarre, I tell ya.
Like you described your ex, I know that she would also be “destroyed” if she find out I was with someone else, even though she has told me several times to do that very thing.
She is a wonderful person, don’t get me wrong. I know she honestly wants me to be happy, from this come the suggestions for finding another woman that is capable of loving me the way I need. She must have absolutely no concept of what an incredible joy we are missing out on. I am capable of giving so much, putting such passionate spark into a relationship, it is strange to have to hold myself back, restraining the desire and gifts of my love. You would think that with so much frustration and resentment that has built up over the years that I would not feel the love that I do. She melts the anger with one kiss, I'm crazy about her. She even wonders how I can love her so much, how I can still feel my heart jump when she walks into the room. Damn folks, wouldn't most ladies melt for a guy that feels this way about his wife? I just don't f********ing get it. Pardon my censored Français.
I feel like I’m also being kept at arms length (emotionally), although she is eager and willing to hug me (both a blessing and a curse!) and we hug on a daily basis. The thing that hurts is when I get closer to kiss her lips she turns her head so my kiss gets planted on the cheek. If I try to give her more than 3-4 kisses even on the cheek she starts getting quite agitated and says not to overwhelm her.
Adopting my wife’s perspective, my son sees the way I reach out for her or look at her with “that sparkle” as the uncontrolled behavior of a horny pervert that is obsessed with women. It kills me to see his concept of sexuality being formed in such a twisted perspective. I’m hoping that as his hormones start really kicking in he’ll understand what it’s like to desire.
Finding a way “to make myself whole and complete without her” is definitely all that I can do. However, the pain of losing a loved one is not easily recovered from, whether it is from death, divorce or emotional/intimate separation. Who can honestly say that they don’t need their spouse for happiness? Let’s be frank, it’s BS to think that we can be complete if we suddenly or slowly, over the years, lose our loved one. Sexual divorce is definitely a loss of an important aspect of one of the most significant relationships we can experience as humans. It takes a very long time to recover from any kind of loss and when we continue to live with the person that we’ve ”lost” then we are trapped in frozen state that is impossible to completely leave, in order to move ahead with our lives and find new happiness solely within ourselves.
I hope what I’m trying to say makes sense.
Any thoughts?
I’m going to invite my wife out to dinner tonight, hopefully we’ll have a chance to chat about our situation, she doesn't like to discuss it and prefers to talk about her issues with friends and work. I’m still looking for some clue to the reason she lost her sparkle for me. Maybe one of y'all will see past the cloud that is filtering my vision into the problem.
