My good friend Puppy and some other folks on this site advocate exposing the affair to the people around you. I can understand why you would want to. With the goal in mind of saving the marriage (which is the goal on this site), I’d like to talk about why I don’t advocate it, and I especially think folks shouldn’t recommend it to a newbie. My basis is the examples on the board over about 8 years, and experiences in my own life with friends, family and coworkers.
IT’S ALWAYS BETTER TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD The high road is about restoring the relationship to a loving one. Exposing the affair is not the high road. It isn’t gentle. It doesn’t allow for the other person to change gradually. The highest road would involve requesting your partner to give up the other person, working to meet their needs they felt were lacking, making yourself more attractive to them, winning them over. There are scriptural examples… Hosea initially exposed Gomer and divorced her, God had him seek her out to get her to return to him….even better. Joseph wasn’t willing to expose Mary when she was pregnant and he thought it was by another man.
ACT OF WAR Your spouse is very likely to perceive being ‘outed’ as an act of war. And now that everyone knows, so why not continue the affair, and by the way, let me tell you how bad MY spouse is, and why the new person is so much better.
MAKES YOU LOOK WEAKER Exposing the affair is actually a bold act, most likely coming from a place of strength…however, the person talking about it is often seen as whiny, weak…highlighting that they were ‘left’.
ALIENATES SPOUSE The spouse being exposed is often alienated from a child, and sometimes alienated at their job, church, etc…they places they need to be connected to restore and heal in the relationship. This COULD work for the spouse doing the exposing, but could work against as well.
UNFAIR BURDEN TO THE PERSONS BEING TOLD Not everyone wants to know this news. Folks don’t really want to have to take sides. They will feel they are being asked to take sides, and many will. Oddly enough, it might not be YOUR side.
AFTER the LAST RESORT If you decide to do it, it should definitely be an AFTER THE LAST RESORT technique.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
