Hi all was directed to come here to get the best the advice to get my marriage and life back. My story is of lies, secrets, and betrayel. It all started back in 07 where I had an affair on my wife. It lasted for over and just recently we had signed the seperation papers. During the course of year i did everything to fool my wife in believing nothing was going on, but she knew better. The whole time during the affair I wasnt myself. I deeply loved my wife and wanted to come home but deep down inside i was so scared to ask her forgiveness thinking that things would have gone worse even though she still loved me and gave me chance after chance to move back home. I truely dont know what had come over me. I cant believe i hurt the person that cared the most for me in my life this way. And worst part we have a beautifull D together which im sure in time she will be in alot of pain too. So as of right now we are currently talking and ive been begging to move back home but she wants no part of it and i dont blame her. I dont want to chase her away but im afraid if dont pursue it she will then find some one else and Ill be left looking in. Ive seen my errors and faults and are trying to repair them to this day. Im desperately seeking some advice and how to make her see that I have changed and that ready to a father again as well as a loving husband, the one she fell in love with many many years ago.
You changed your name. And I recall you were over in "Separated".
A word to the wise, it's easier for folks to keep up with you and track the conversations with you if you have just one thread in one forum at a time. A lot of folks start out over in "Newbies" ("Newcomers") and then move to one of these other forums as their situation progresses down one path or another.
Starting a thread here in "Infidelity" -- does that mean you suspect your W is being unfaithful? Because I don't gather that from your initial posts, either of them.
If not, may I suggest you restart your thread over in Newcomers? There is a lot of activity over there and you might get more responses (then again, there are so many "hungry mouths" there that some get overlooked.)
As I stated before, you really need to place your focus on fixing yourself and being the best father you can be. If your W comes back to you, that's great, but if not then you will at least know that you have done something positive for yourself.
There is no easy fix. No one is going to say do x,y and z and you will win her back. Work has to be done, by you. You know she was here for a long time trying to figure out how to bring you home and save your marriage. You kept telling her that nothing was going on.
You need to hear her now. You won't win her back by constantly telling her that you love her. You need to show her by actions that you can respect her space. You need to take this time to focus on you and get yourself to a place that you can be proud of. We will help if you really are willing to try.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hi dwarf! Don't want to call you dumb now, b/c it sounds like you are trying to make smarter choices?
I agree with NC's and Kat's advice. Focus on yourself and making yourself the best person you can be. Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? That's a great book and I 100% recommend it. Keep posting here and following the advice. That's about it. Quit any pursuing and that type stuff. Try to GAL a lot. What kind of GALing activities are you doing? Karen
Hans? A word to the wise, it's easier for folks to keep up with you and track the conversations with you if you have just one thread in one forum at a time.
Starting a thread here in "Infidelity" -- does that mean you suspect your W is being unfaithful? Because I don't gather that from your initial posts, either of them.
Nocode,
This one is on me, I suggested this forum, 1st because I know the good people in here and know how much it helped me, 2nd because the entire current situation is as a result of infidelity and I know that there have been some successful wayward spouses in this forum, 3rd depending on the interpretation of a marriage it is possible that some will agree dwarf's wife was ufaithful(I do not), so he is also dealing with emotions involving that on both sides.
Take care,
~Snow
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Hey Kat i am more than willing to try with everything i have. I know in the past this group helped my W get thrue the pain. I have communicated to her that im doing the best i can not to push the issue but it is hard for me.
There isnt a minute that goes past that im not thinking about her and what she is doing. I miss her so much.
hey Karen no i have not read the book but i do believe W has told me she did and has recommended I do to,I will do anything to better myself. As for GAL I do play hockey but that i only clears my mind for an hour at a time.
I will keep posting here cause i do believe it will help me and my marriage.
I know you do. You know I think of her as a sister. She is hurting and right now you aren't helping your cause. Please give her some space. Pushing the issue is only going to push her further away.
I give you kuddos for coming here, I really do. But I also know that you need to focus on yourself. I can't tell you that enough. She has been trying to do that. I think she has done a pretty good job.
While you put the focus on yourself you need to look at some of your not so great moments with her. Those actions in the past I believe are what are going to keep you from her if you can't correct those behaviors. She can tell you herself how concearned I was for her safety.
roll up your sleeves, if you are in for the long haul.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I am in for the long haul kat and thank-you for being here for me I appreciate it vey much. Yes I know you two have become close and she is lucky for having someone like you to get her past this nonsense.
I have told her her some of my plans to better myself like enrolling in A.A. cause in my eyes it is a major problem in my life right now.
The problem that I have is that I know about OG and it kills me inside that i drove her to this. The other night she was so upset that she told him she didnt want to talk to him nomore and he didnt seem to care. This really hurt me deep and now I know what W went thru everyday. This is why I think I push the issue of coming home cause I dont want to see her like that ever again.
Another big concern of mine is that she lied to me about having sex with OM which also hurts. Even though she said it was over with OM cause he wasnt leaving his girlfriend for her which she was led to believe (I think he toke advantage of her emotional state and just wanted to put a notch on the bed post) Im finding myself having a very hard time believing her.
I hate this feeling and sorry to W for ever putting her thru this misery. Its not pretty on the other side.
Good about AA. That is a great step. Now that you have an inkling of what she felt like, you can understand how deeply this hurt your R and her trust and faith that she had in you.
I know it is difficult but you can not focus on her liking someone else. You have been apart nearly a year. You both have changed a lot in that time. Think about what caused alot of this to begin with and make changes that would prevent that from happening again.
This is just some food for thought.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
