Our current situation right now is that she's working full time bringing in 60k a year and I'm a full time student bringing in 30k between loans and part-time job.
A second apt. is honestly not anywhere near affordable and under normal circumstances would be a punch line to a joke. Reasoning, though, is not quite working at the moment.
I suggest that you ask her to sit down with you and propose exactly where in the budget this can be afforded right now, and let her know that you are NOT willing to incur any additional debt so she can "find herself."
Quote:
She's said that he still has feelings for her but she doesn't know if she's capable of having feelings for anyone at the moment.
Hate to say it (and others hate when I do as well), but that's SCRIPT.
I agree with Puppy. It sounds like she has a relationship or at least feelings for this OM and she wants to separate to pursue him free from you.
When my wife first dropped the bomb I did everything that you're doing. I addressed all of her complaints about the marriage and become a model husband. But it didn't make a dent in my W. She still moved out with a "too little, too late attitude." A couple months later I discovered that she had been having an affair the entire time.
When people are high on the affair drug it doesn't matter what you do. All they want is their fix, and nothing you say or do will make a difference. The only thing you can do is get some intel to see if she's cheating on you. Check her cell phone records, put a keylogger on her computer, check her email. Is this snooping? You bet. But you need to know if she's having an affair or not because it changes the way you approach this.
Has finding out more about the A helped you in any way? I'm assuming that it's detrimental to reconciliation but helps in your mental state of dealing with your "inner monologue" day to day.
Together since Feb. 2003 Maried since July 2007 Bomb occured early Dec. 2008 She's approved for a lease mid Feb. 2009 (deciding on if to take it or not)
Neglected...blah. That's what I think of it. Sure, you probably didn't show her as much attention as she would like, but her sudden lack of love has as much to do with OM as with you. You could dote on her 24/7 and she'd still feel you didn't do enough. I don't believe that OM is not an issue anymore or believe her when she says, "she isn't ready for a relationship with anyone". If she moves out, her and OM will be a steady item in no more than two weeks.
That's beside the point. I do not think your plan of action is to either withdraw entirely or to smother her with attention. Perhaps try to introduce a few outside activities into your life and casually invite her along. If she says no, then go anyway. Show her attention in the form of casual, friendly questions about her job, her day, her life, but don't follow her around like a puppy dog. Be strong, be put together, be seemingly happy, and accept that although you may want this to work out, it may not (but you'll survive and thrive). Don't ditch your life or schoolwork for her sake.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
This is a total sidebar, and I'll probably get blasted for this, but why is it when a man is BUSTING HIS ASS to provide for the family, and working long hours, he is said to be "neglecting" his wife?
I wonder if she liked the income you were providing.
Not saying this doesn't happen, but I'm guessing that this is just a smokescreen 75% of the time.
OK, end of entirely-un-PC rant
It is largely a smokescreen. You have to have some excuse why you cheat. Being emotionaly neglected is as good an excuse as any.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Has finding out more about the A helped you in any way? I'm assuming that it's detrimental to reconciliation but helps in your mental state of dealing with your "inner monologue" day to day.
Can't speak for SW, but it helped me tremendously:
- helped me form my strategy and tactics
- helped me know I wasn't crazy, paranoid, or imagining things!
- helped me learn OM's weaknesses, and possible areas to exploit in their new relationship
- HELPED ME DETACH. Trust me, when you hear what I heard, and see what I saw, you do NOT have to worry about "gee, why do I still love her/him so much???" I found the "loving" part of "loving detachment" much harder to keep up in the face of her continued infidelity and deceit, than I did the "detachment" part
- helped me make legal decisions about whether or not to go for custody of our two sons
- helped me make marital decisions about whether or not this was someone I wanted to remain married to
- helped me BUST UP THE AFFAIR much sooner, thus avoiding deepening emotional attachment between them, greater health risks, and more dissipation of our family's finances and my self-esteem.
- once she asked to end her affair and come back to the marriage, and she agreed to no-contact and transparency, it helped me verify that she was, in fact, doing so
I could go on, but I'm a big believer in good intel, as you can see.
Perhaps try to introduce a few outside activities into your life and casually invite her along. If she says no, then go anyway. Show her attention in the form of casual, friendly questions about her job, her day, her life, but don't follow her around like a puppy dog.
Hi Helpers, So sorry that you're going through this! My H is actively looking for an apartment for himself right now too. Our financial situation is such that the idea of taking on two rent payments is laughable, but at the same time, what can you do? Ironically, we've got savings in the bank for a "someday" house down payment, so that's where the rent $ will come from for now until my H finds a job (he's a full time student right now.) Seems like we've got some similiarites! Just wanted to let you know that I'm rooting for you and hoping that you can find some relief here.
lemonsnap
Me - 29 H - 29 M - 6 months T - 8 years ILYBNILWY - 1/24/09 Recovery begins 3/1/09
Finding out about the A helped me tremendously as well. My W was in MAJOR denial about the affair, and had seemingly even convinced herself that she wasn't having one. When I confronted her, with evidence, she crumbled. Completely fell apart as she realized just what she had been doing. Until that point she had been having an affair in complete secret from all of her friends and family and was living a lie.
Now my W is filled with shame, guilt, and regret. Am I happy about this. No, it kills me to see my W filled with so much self-hatred. But did it need to happen for our M to have a chance? Yep. An affair is the ultimate betrayal, and my W needs to own the consequences of her actions. I hate to see her going through such pain, but she has to go through that to truly heal and become a better person. And that would never have happened if she continued to live in denial about what she did.
This was all about a week ago, so I can't tell you if it has helped our chances at getting back together. But it has helped me finally detach. For the first time I realized that this whole thing wasn't all my fault and that my W wasn't some kind of poor neglected martyr (which was what she was going around telling everybody and probably believing on some level herself). I also realized that no matter what happens, I can hold my head high. I have done the right thing, the honest thing, while my W has gone down a path of lies and betrayal. So the question is no longer just "Will my W take me back?" It's also "Will I take her back?" Right now the answer is yes, but every day that goes by without her recommitting to trying to make this work is a day I get closer to shutting those doors and moving on.
And, like Puppy said, it helped me form my strategy, helped me know I wasn't being paranoid (this is actually a HUGE mental relief and cannot be underestimated), and helped me learn OM's strengths (which are few) and weaknesses (which are many).
Me: 33 WAW/MLC: 33 M: 4+, T: 10+ Separated: Nov 08 A#1: Oct 08 - Jan 09 (exposed and ended) A#2: Feb 09 - ? 1: http://tinyurl.com/mrmistakes 2: http://tinyurl.com/ckch9t 3: http://tinyurl.com/stillwaters3
Hi Helpers, So sorry that you're going through this! My H is actively looking for an apartment for himself right now too. Our financial situation is such that the idea of taking on two rent payments is laughable, but at the same time, what can you do? Ironically, we've got savings in the bank for a "someday" house down payment, so that's where the rent $ will come from for now until my H finds a job (he's a full time student right now.) Seems like we've got some similiarites! Just wanted to let you know that I'm rooting for you and hoping that you can find some relief here.
Thanks for the support. I know what you mean - you wonder how all of this happened all of a sudden. I'm rooting for you too!
Together since Feb. 2003 Maried since July 2007 Bomb occured early Dec. 2008 She's approved for a lease mid Feb. 2009 (deciding on if to take it or not)
