I've been trying to detach more from this whole mess. I am definitely a person who likes to be in control and to analyze and fix things.
It's a challenge for me to balance the DB techniques (detaching, not controlling, not "helping" too much) with the idea of being a supportive friend to my H during this time.
This past week, he's been actively looking for an apartment. He told the MC on Sunday that he is completely decided that he will move out. He feels that if he doesn't move out, things will worsen between us to a point that we can't even be friends. Of course, all of this is extremely difficult for me to hear/believe, given what I thought was a good relationship between us.
He's been talking with me about all the apartments. It's SO hard to listen to this, and I'm finding myself getting angry inside when he discusses them with me. He asks me for advice about them (he's not from the US so isn't very familiar with the process) and even asked me last night if I would help him (!!) look for an apartment for him. Talk about a stab in the heart.
I tried to maintain my composure (only half succeeded - I get overwhelmed and teary) and told him that it's HIS decision to move out of our apartment, and that HE needs to make the decision about where he lives. If I were to be involved, it would be the apartment that I helped him find, rather than his own independent place. (One of his big issues with our R is my tendency to make the decisions and for him to bow to my wishes in order to avoid conflict. He's mentioned how he feels like I picked out everything in the apartment and he doesn't like the furniture, etc. - even though I felt like we had picked things out together...) With that in mind, I don't feel right about helping him find an apartment.
Then I feel guilty that I'm not helping him like a friend might.
Help! Any thoughts?
Thanks...
Do not feel guilty.
This is his decision, let him make it, let him stand on his own two feet.
Be a friend and let him make his own choices.
If it makes you uncomfortable to talk about the apartments, be honest and just tell him you would rather not talk about it and if he presses further about why, just tell him because and leave it at that.
Allow him to make his own decisions & choices, allow him to be independant and allow yourself some freedom from having to worry about him - he isn't worrying about your feelings and needs so you can feel free to do the same.
It's a growth opportunity for you, use it to your advantage. ;-)
