Well today was the big meet up... only it turned out to not be that big. The things we were going to discuss i.e. the proceeds split from the house did not get discussed. H forgot to bring the forms (he only realised that halfway on the bus) with him and wasn't forthcoming with 'free' discussion on the matter. I debated whether to bring it up myself as I was 'ready' to talk about it but I decided not to because he wasn't in the best mood and I don't think it was really the right time plus there will be time enough in the future.
So, it ended up we just met for lunch, which was fine. When I got there he had a right mood on and it was really hard work on my part. I thought this boded badly for our discussion which made me nervous but I concentrated on keeping my speech slow and not show it.
He opened up and settled down after a few minutes and it got easier. We had general work discussions and he made a really helpful suggestion for my pay rise endeavours. I gave him lots of encouragement over some interviews he is going for and discussed tactics for the interview. We just made general chit chat and I controlled myself when he used the phrase 'home' for his new flat because that gets me every time and everything was light. He paid for the main meal and then it came to ordering dessert and I asked him if he wanted one (this would have been his perfect excuse to politely end the meet up if he had wanted to - I expected a 'I have to get back to work' comment) but he said he wanted one and I paid for that. We were together about an hour and a half which was positive as for the first time for about 19th months I haven't felt like work comes above me. When we left he looked like he was going to hug me or something but didn't really know what to do so I just smiled and said goodbye and he said 'see you soon'. Next time I may try a touch of the arm as an experiment.
I was looking quite foxy in a total 180 outfit and was bubbly (perhaps talked a bit too much, I seem to have a tendency to do that it feels like) and discussed how well I was doing at work etc. He was fine, nice and everything but he was quite hard work but I am *not* taking it personally and being disappointed. He said that he was really tired and I accept that was the reason and that is fine. Before I would have taken the blame on myself for not being 'good enough'.
I felt really tired afterwards as I had built myself up for a big discussion but it was fine to just meet for lunch. It felt like friends meeting up and that is fine. I have to say though the thought of ow does still 'get' me, it's a bitter taste. Sometimes I see flickers of old h in a smile or look but mostly he does seem to have a 'dead' look. Whether or not that is general or reserved for me who knows. That is for him to work through...
At work the other day they were talking about how circumstances can affect healing and getting well form illnesses. They described it as living under 'vexatious circumstances'. I just loved that phrase... I feel like I have been and am living under vexatious circumstances, luckily now I am seeing an end to the tunnel.
(((Lisa, Kassie))) thanks for visiting and for your encouragement
